I Believe; Help My Unbelief

My mind, my heart and my flesh have been so deep in sorrow lately.  The first four months after Ellie Kate died were terribly hard, just barely surviving.  Then it got a little better, a little easier.  It feels like the nine-month-mark hit hard again, and I started to feel like I was drowning in sorrow.  And tomorrow - tomorrow is the ten-month-anniversary of Ellie's death; and I find myself struggling to breathe.  

I'm desperate for peace and hope - those things I have felt before in this journey.  What did I do to negate these things?  How have I let fear and distress creep in?  What do I even know to be true? It's me being brutally honest here, Folks.  I think if we are honest, we have ALL felt this way at one time or another (but then again, maybe it's just me).  

So tonight, as I sat here wallowing in my sorrow and pain, I came across this verse: 

Joshua 1:9, " Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” ESV

And just like that, after feeling all alone, I am reminded that I am NEVER alone in anything.  Jesus is with me wherever I go - He's with me everywhere I go physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, etc.  He is with me now in the darkest of places as I relive Ellie's last moments, and as I dread watching Lucy's someday.  He is with me and I am not alone.  So much peace comes from knowing that we aren't alone!


HE is My Hope.  HE is MY Comforter.  Oh, My Soul - find your hope in Him!  Find your peace in Him!  Find your joy in HIM!  It's the only place to run, the only place to find comfort; of this I am surely convinced.  I choose to see You in my life.  I choose to trust You, Lord.  I choose to believe.  I believe; help my unbelief. 

-Ryan

On a Lighter Note, and to add a little smile to your day, here's a photo of Lucy Belle in the new wheelchair we ordered her on Monday.  Of course, Lucy's will come in pink (She wasn't as impressed with it as we were)!