The Similarities and The Reality

My Sweet Loves

 

 

Precious Sisters

 

 

 

Do you see it?  Can you tell which picture is of Ellie Kate and which is of Lucy Belle?  It takes my breath away so often, especially lately.  Lucy is a little girl now, and not a toddler.  Her body is lean and long, just like her big sister's.  Her feminine mannerisms are JUST like that of Ellie Kate, and it's amazing to me, because they obviously aren't learned behaviors.  My daughters are both just very feminine little girls who love to cross their legs and move their hands in dainty ways.  Don't get me wrong, they both are spit-fires and have the tomboy side too!  But the feminine way that they both move . . . it's so dainty and girlie.  Sisters.

We used to call Ellie Kate "Wildcat", because she would turn on you like a dime, and out of nowhere, her claws would scratch you and her teeth would be after your flesh - laughing the entire time with that deep giggle of hers.  In turn, we called Lucy "Kittycat" because she had the tiniest cry in the beginning that she literally sounded like a baby kitty!  But now, Lucy has turned into the Wildcat in her own rite. 

 

The similarities are such a blessing.  They are a sweet breath from the heart of God; a balm to my soul that heals like no other.  At the very same time, at the very same time, I am thanking the Father for those priceless, perfect reminders, I am hit with the intensity of our reality.  Our reality - where both of our daughters were born with a rare and terminal genetic disorder.  Our reality - where we have watched our Beloved Daughter take her last breath.  Our reality - where we take our boys and our baby girl to visit their sister's earthly shell at the cemetery.  A reality where we live each day knowing that, at some point in time, unless God heals Lucy here on earth, we will also be visiting her grave beside her Big Sister's.  The similarities and the realities - they are endearing and unbearable at the very same time. 

 

 

 

Those same similarities and realities spill over into the lives of Conner and Henry, and as ya'll know, both of these things take a toll on Our Boys.  It hurts my heart to see, that what sparks a happy family moment, also sparks the thought of what life will be like without Lucy.  And a walk through Target can make you excited because you get to see the toys, but also sad as you walk by the area where we bought Ellie's clothes, and you look through those clothes and choose what ones Ellie would have liked and what we would have bought for her, if she was still alive.  And sometimes . . . that understandably brings anxiety to Conner and to Henry.  And although Henry's outbursts have all but disappeared since his oral surgery, his anxiety over Ellie's death and Lucy's possible death, confuses his hurting mind and heart even more.  That's when I have to trust.  I have to CHOOSE to trust that God causes ALL THINGS to work together for the good of Henry.  God loves Henry more than I do.  He wants good things for Henry - even more than I want good things for Henry.  And He wants Henry to have a full, loving, abundant life here on earth (that doesn't mean there won't be heartache, but God does want us to enjoy the life that He gives to us).  I'm choosing to trust, Lord. 

 

 

Mike and I are fighting to trust, that's for sure.  But we also want to do what's best for the boys and try to make this strange, crazy, roller-coaster life, as easy and as clear as possible.  That of course, will look different at different times.  Right now, Henry has a lot of anxiety in our home.  We've noticed that a switch comes on when he walks in the door of this house, and he is even able to verbalize those bad feelings (I am SO proud of him for using I his words to tell us how he feels!!).  So many memories are in this great house - memories of us with Ellie Kate.  Memories of us bringing Lucy home from the hospital.  Memories of the first days of school.  But there are also a lot of really, really hard memories such as memories of Ellie passing away in our home.  Memories of them wheeling her precious, broken body out the front door.  And while we try our best to protect the boys, there will always be bad memories; everyone has them, right?  There are just a lot of bad memories for Henry that are attached to our house and he is begging for us to move and for him to switch schools.  Bless his heart, he just wants a new beginning, and I can't really blame him; I want one too!  Mike and I both do.

 

 

 

We would love prayer concerning this very thing - MOVING.  Mike has a wonderful job.  Although we've tried to make things work by planning to live elsewhere in the Metro, God has clearly shown us (over and over and over again), that we need to stay in this area.  Our hearts are still with our beloved Bridgeway Church, and we have absolutely NO plans to move from our Church Home.  It's just the house and this itching for something new and the possible real, tangible need to make that a reality in the near future.  Of course, God would TRULY have to make that happen on so many levels.  We've seen Him work in big ways before and honestly, letting house ideas/the right house/medical debt-reduction/perfect timing/etc, would be so much easier than parting the Red Sea (in my mind, at least).  If He wants it to happen, it will happen.  I have no doubt (but I'm human and I doubt those details and I sometimes want things outside of God's timing). 

Thank you for staying with me in this very heavy update, Dear Friends.  We love you so much.  We covet your prayers.  We choose to trust God and His plans. 

-Ryan