Birthday-Testimony

Wednesday was my birthday and I am now officially the big 3-7!! Ya'll, I have never had a birthday, in my adult life, where I have felt so loved.  Really and truly, I felt so incredibly special from the time I woke up until well past midnight. 



Special Love on Momma's Birthday

 



The messages I received through texts, emails and FB were overwhelmingly meaningful to me.  I am still reading each one of them; I want to drink in your kind words and let them sink into my heart and into my spirit.  I do hope to respond to each message soon - thank you for your patience.

I was spoiled by a dear friend the morning of my birthday, who gave me a generous surprise birthday gift.  That gift stuck with me the entire day and I felt just a sense of peace.  I FELT LOVED.  My Mother took me shopping for something special.  My husband had the most beautiful cake made for a little party that he put together.  I was impressed that Mike took care of so many little details on my behalf.  The food, drinks, cake, inviting our parents . . . he did such a good job and I am just so proud to be his wife!  I FELT TAKEN CARE OF. 

Beautiful cake made by Heather Thrower

 

Henry helping mommy blow out the candles

 

My Sweet Love

 

As a momma, I wanted to spend time with all of my children on my birthday.  I visited "Ellie's Spot", even though I know it's just her little earthly shell.  I had some special time there then headed home to my earthly babies.  By the end the evening, all  three children had fallen asleep in our bed with me.  We didn't have a night nurse, so Mike took the first shift and I took the second. He caught some sweet photos of us all together.  It really was the most precious thing I could have asked for on my birthday.  I FELT SAFE there in our bed, with our beautiful babies snuggling together.  The same bed where Ellie took her last breath is the same bed that I experienced such a sense of security that night.  Only God, Friends - ONLY GOD - can make something so breathtakingly beautiful come from something so excrutiatingly heartbreaking. 

Feeling Loved.  Feeling taken care of.  Feeling safe. These are three important things that God has so graciously shown  me over my 37 years; three things that He has allowed me to feel and experience for His glory.  I have an overwhelmingly urge from the Spirit to share my testimony with you here, on my birthday week.  It isn't all of my testimony, but it is some, and I do hope you take the time to read it.  I have no doubt that God has a word for someone through these words . . .

You know, the Father has brought me through so much in my life.  I've gone through times of obedience and times of rebellion, just like anyone.  Through my failures and through life's circumstances, I've learned more and more of who God is.  I've gone from seeing Him as a Father for whom I had to perform; One who would love me more, the more good that I did; to NOW seeing Him as an adoring parent, an Abba Father who loves me the same no matter what I do.  In the beginning I had trouble trusting Jesus because I knew I wasn't good enough and I knew I couldn't add up.  But I wanted to be good enough for Him to really love me more than others.  I really, really wanted to be the best Christian ever. 

As a young girl, I had a plan set out for my own life and it mostly depended on ME and how "good" I was.  I would make it all happen because well,  I could do it.  Until I couldn't.  Until I started to fail immeasurably, which was pretty early on, seeing that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was five years of age.  My failings became more visible to me starting in junior high, then more in high school.  Then it was college - in my mind, I had a new chance to start over; to make God even more happy.  But there, I failed more than ever.  

Once I started to see myself failing so much, I decided to give up.  No, I didn't give up on my relationship with Jesus.  I knew I would go to Heaven when I died and my personal relationship with Him was secure.  But I gave up trying to be good.  And I just lived.  And I did what I wanted to do, and I know I hurt others and mostly myself in the process.  I felt empty.  I felt abandoned.  I felt alone. I knew I couldn't perform well enough for God to love me as much as He used to.  Oh, Believer, do you know how twisted that thinking is (God has ALWAYS loved me the same with His perfect, holy love)!  I started to question the Character of God.  I needed to know what was real and what was not.  I needed to know the truth.  Because, if a relationship with Christ meant spinning my wheels or being a hamster on wheel . . . well, I wasn't up for that type of Christianity because I knew I would just keep on failing.

One of the saddest things is that I thought God loved me only because He had to - because I accepted Him as my Savior.  I thought loving me was a burden to Him.  One of my greatest struggles in life is the need I have to please others.  And when I stopped being able to please God (or so I thought), I thought I couldn't be close to him.  He HAD to love me, but He didn't have to like me, or speak to me, or even use me.  He just Had to love me because I had accepted Him as Savior and had given my life to Him.  That's very much how I felt.

At that time, I met Mike and started going to a Church with a pastor who was so incredibly humble and sincere, and not works-based at all. My eyes had never been open to that in church leadership before.  My perception of Christ started to change.  I learned about God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit - all THREE of which are incredibly much alive and at work in my life and in the lives of fellow Believers. The Lord showed me that all of my sin was paid for on the cross, so that when He looks at me, He only sees His son Jesus - perfect, and without blemish.  Nothing could make Him love me more.  Nothing could make Him love me less.  When Jesus looks at me, He doesn't see my past failures.  He sees Jesus - His perfect and holy son.  And that is ONLY because of His great love for me and for you, Dear Friend. 

Each and every struggle; each and every rollercoaster twist and turn, has led me deeper and deeper in my walk with Christ.  Do you know why?  Because now, all of these years later, after searching and trying and failing; after not knowing who I was . . .  I now am secure in my identity in Christ.  I know that Jesus loves me know matter what, and that will NEVER change.  And, I know that, no matter what heartache may befall, Jesus is with me.  His Spirit is in me.  And God the Father is causing ALL of it to work for MY good.  Not only that, but He will use all of these things for the GOOD of my marriage and of my children. Romans 8:28 I am His for eternity and He will lavish all the love He has upon me, His beloved child, because He sees Jesus in me.  I don't have to prove myself.  I don't have to do a song and dance routine to earn his favor.  I have His favor as one who has given my life to Him, and His favor for me will never change.

I have experienced more pain in life than I ever thought possible.  I've watched my Daughters suffer.  I've watched our eldest Daughter take her last breaths here on earth. We've seen our boys cry and ache in ways that we don't know how to handle on our own. We have been through times of  pain financially because of medical bills and all the things that go along with them.  And most recently, I've seen the pain from seeing My Henry change so drastically and the maddening feeling that I cannot help him.  Mike and I have seen the stress of our life affect our marriage.  And without Jesus, we wouldn't keep going. Without His grace, His hope, the security we have in Him.  That's what we clinge to.  Even through these struggles in life, GOD'S CHARACTER DOES NOT CHANGE.  He is who He says He is.  And even when evil befalls me, God is there overseeing it all, leaving His Spirit within me to fill me with the words that I need in the darkest of moments.

Within the last while, I've been learning that I cannot depend upon other things for comfort or for safety.  I cannot trust others to fill voids in my life.  I cannot trust things of this world to fill voids either.  I must run to My Jesus, the Author and Finisher of My Faith. 

No person, no title, no comfort, no job, no reputation can feel my voids like My Father can.  And the way I can see and feel him fill those voids is to spend time with Him every day.  I know that is so hard as a mom, but He will allow time.  You can fight for that time alone with Jesus.  And you can pray anytime, ya'll!

I stand before you today and say that I belong to Jesus.   He is FOR me.  He has not forgotten me.  He has great plans for me.  He continues that precious fatherly relationship with me.  I am safe in Jesus because I know that nothing can happen without Him allowing it.  I choose to trust him rather than the passing comforts of this world.  I still struggle in pleasing people, as that is part of who I am as a person.  I long for everyone to like me and understand me, and I long to understand others as well.  But people won't always love me and I cannot please everyone.  I can only choose to sit at the Throne of God and trust Him to lead my words, my heart, my actions and make me more like Him. 

Do you struggle with your identity in Christ?  You aren't alone.  Seek Him a million times over.  He will show you. Cry out to Him in every situation, little prayers, long prayers, one word.  He wants you to seek Him and He will show you who you really are.  Start with His infallible Word.

Do you try to please God with actions so that He will love you more?  Father, break this lie in Jesus name and may your truth clearly reign!  Friend, you do NOT have to work to make God more proud of you.  You do NOT have to do things to make Him love you more.  It's impossible, so surrender it and give up.  Ask Him to show you His lavish love for you. 

Are you in a deep struggle physically, mentally or financially and you can't see God's goodness?  He IS at work for those who love Him; for Believers in Christ.  He IS with you and He IS for you.  HE WILL CAUSE ALL of it to work for your good and for the good of other individuals.  Trust and rest in that.  Listen to me . . . very rarely will it feel like all of the bad you experience will somehow work for good; but it will.  And it will be for His Glory. 

Are you a Believer who feels that they have sinned too much to have God's love, even as a Believer?  You gave your life to Christ early, but at one point, you chose to live a very self-indulgdent life-style.  You are NOT too far gone.  LISTEN TO ME:  As a Believer, You can NEVER be too far gone from Your Father and His love for you.  Father, break the myth that you hold our sins over us!  Break the myth that you don't let them go, that you bring them up to us later in life!  The truth is that, he has separated your sin as far as the east as from the west.  As far away as humanly imaginable. 


Feeling Loved.  Feeling taken care of.  Feeling safe. 

I've felt all of the above this week, even now.  He IS good because that is His character.  He loves you so much, Sweet Believer!  Surrender to Him.  May the reality of Christ's love for you fall over your body, mind and spirit like a warm, heavy rain.   If you have never accepted Christ as Savior, I encourage you to do so NOW.  Do not wait.  Do now wait another minute apart from the lavish love the Father wants to bestow upon you as His son or daughter.  There is truly SO MUCH LIFE within God.  Apart from Him, there is only fear. 

With Hope,
Ryan