Lucy is Three!

I've been bursting with joy, excited to post about our Sweet Girl this morning!  I'm just overjoyed that Lucy is OURS and that God has allowed her to live to the age of THREE! What an unspeakable blessing!

Although Lucy isn't officially our "rainbow baby", she comes very close to it.  She was only one when Ellie Kate died, and she has been a saving grace to me, to our family, in so many ways.  Lucy is the baby we didn't know we would have, but she is a blessing God knew we needed!

I remember longing for another baby, but we knew the risks - a one out of four chance with each of our pregnancies to have NKH.  Those aren't good odds, folks.  I spoke to my Dear Friend and faithful prayer partner Dana one evening, and shared with her our desires.  She committed to pray, and a few weeks later, we found out we were indeed pregnant.  How can you get pregnant on birth control?  I don't know, but Lucy is proof that it does happen! 

Early on I could feel this Sweet Baby move inside of me, just as with Ellie Kate.  10-12 weeks is early to feel a baby, but I promise that I felt those girls move that early.  I was thin with both of those pregnancies.  As soon as I felt Lucy move so early, I knew she had NKH.  I didn't want to believe it though, and we of course went ahead and did our CVS testing.

The first time I saw Lucy on that large screen in the genetic OB's office, I knew she was a mover and a shaker  She was this little sprite, all of twelve weeks gestation, moving and bouncing all around in my womb, just as Ellie Kate had done.  Mike and I had several names in our head for this girl (I knew it was a girl because of how sick I was from the beginning and I only get sick with my girls).  We saw this Baby Girl that day and knew she was a Lucy, right away.  "Bright Light" is what she was, bouncing around in there, happy and free.  And her middle name would be "Belle" after a dream God gave me of bringing beauty from ashes.  Oh, how much truth was layered in the name God had given Lucy Belle!

Lucy's birth was exciting!  I was terrified of early labor, and had contractions on and off for months.  I made many trips to Labor and Delivery.  I knew that all of our doctors, the geneticist, the NICU, etc all had to be on hand, and I didn't want to miss that window.  So at any sign of labor, I went to the hospital.  The morning of the 26th, I was tired.  I got the kids to school and went to my parents to take a nap.  I woke up frustrated and hurting, in the same labor pain that I had been in for weeks.  I stood there telling my parents that I refused to go to the hospital anymore until my water broke (which was silly, bc my water had never broken with any of my other babies).  I kid you not, folks - right then and there, my water broke!  In front of my parents, and we laughed and laughed. 

I ran to take a shower and get ready.  After all, I heard all of these stories of girls' water breaking and them having hours before delivery.  Once I got into the shower, it was clear that this baby was coming fast.  I barely got clean and we jumped into the car, Henry and mom in the back and my Dad driving us to OU Children's Hospital.  I was hurting and felt like I would have that baby right then!  This was not in our birth plan. 

We arrived and I got into a room and was already dilated to an "8".  It was less than an hour since my water had broken!  My dear, dear friend Holly Hall was able to come in and take pictures of our labor and delivery.  We had planned this because we didn't know what would happen with Lucy.  Would she stop breathing right away?  Would she cry?  Would we ventilate her?  We weren't sure about anything, but knew God would tell us during the moment.  So, we asked Holly to capture the moments that could be Lucy's first and last breaths.  I am so grateful for these treasured photos! 

A couple of pushes and a sweet cry, and this tiny blonde-haired girl was in my arms.  They let me hold her for a few moments before the team (and literally, there was an entire team in that room) took her to the NICU.  The boys were outside the door of the delivery room and they, along with grandparents, were able to see our girl be taken to the NICU in her incubator.  I stayed in that room, wondering what was happening.  It was such a strange feeling to have everyone gone and to be just me and the nurse. 

I see now that Lucy Belle McLaughlin IS our "rainbow baby", even though she wasn't born after Ellie's death.  She is a reminder that God is good, even through struggles.  The joy Lucy brings gives life and hope to my heart and to the hearts of our entire family.  I don't know what I would do without this precious, unexpected gift of "Beautiful Light". 

 

Oh Father, you are SO GOOD!  Your plans are ever-unfolding before us and they are too wonderful for our comprehension!  Thank you for the life of Lucy Belle.  Thank you for the love, joy and hope she brings to my heart as a mother.  Thank you for the light she brings to her Daddy and to her brothers.  Thank you for allowing me to love another special little girl - for entrusting me with such an incredibly special gift, design directly by you.  Your ways are not our ways, and I am so grateful.  Bless my daughter on this, her third birthday.  Be close to her heart.  Allow her to always she you physically around her, to see her angels physically protecting her.  Let Lucy know how much you love her, Jesus.  Let her grow and soar developmentally!  Let her know just how much she is loved.  Allow her to feel safe and secure.  Oh Father, I ask that you give Lucy a long and healthy, happy life here on earth.  Help us as her parents to give her what she needs and to teach her about your love for her, always pointing her to Christ.  Thank you for this precious, most Beautiful Light. 

 

Sweet Alissa

Today, we celebrated the beautiful life of Miss Alissa Ellyn Green.  Alissa is the daughter of my dear friend, Nellie who is one of our very first Hope Link members.  Alissa was one of Ellie's first special-needs friends and she is very special to us.  Their birthdays were literally just five days apart, and these girls had a special bond.   Now, they are healed and whole together, running and playing in ways that they only dreamed of here on earth!

Alissa went to be with Jesus last Friday night, in her home.  Much like Ellie Kate, Alissa was surrounded by the people she loved the most.  A long, hard, tearful, gut-wrenching day, with a beautiful passing of a precious child.  We watched, from the earthly side, as Alissa stepped into heaven.  We watched, on this end, as she was set free.  Oh, how I wish we could see on the other side!  I prayed all day that the Lord would allow Ellie to be there to greet Alissa and welcome her Home.  I pray that was the case as Alissa walked into Heaven last Friday evening. 

My heart has been so broken for Nellie.  I think it's because our girls are the same ages and I have many memories of them doing fun things together. Every year, it ended up that the girls had their birthday parties on the same day.  But last year, we were able to attend Alissa's birthday and it was so special, even though Ellie Kate wasn't with us.  Nellie and I used to walk the mall with Ellie and Alissa, and they loved it.  They even did their special-needs beauty pageant together!  So many fun things, although I think Ellie annoyed Alissa because she liked to pull on her thick, curly, black hair and Alissa didn't care too much for that. 

Ellie Kate and Alissa on one of their Shopping Trips

Life is so short, Friends.  I've attended four funerals, for four special lives, in the last two months.  My heart is so heavy, and my Spirit is broken.  My body aches as I think of the burdens that these mommas specifically carry, with arms that long to hold their daughters.  Today during Alissa's service, I was reminded of several passages of The Bible that bring truth and comfort to my heart at this time . . .

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
² You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

 

I do not understand why Alissa had to endure so much here on earth, but I do know that God created her in specific ways.  There is nothing about her that He did not know, did not plan, or did not allow. He had a specific plan for her life, and He has a plan for her death as well, even though we may not see or understand it just yet. 

And for us who are left behind with our girls in Heaven, I am reminded that God is with us always.  He goes before us and even behind us.  We are secure and safe in Him, even when our hearts break and our world falls apart.  And in the dark times, when it's quiet and we feel as though everyone has forgotten us, our loss and our child, God is with us.  He has not forgotten.  His thoughts about me - about you- are precious.

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For those of you who are hurting and who have deeply lost, find comfort in the truth of God's Word written in Psalm 139.  His words are true.  His promises are trustworthy.  He is with you, even when it doesn't feel like it.  He understands ALL of our feelings and can take the good, the bad and the ugly.  He knows it anyway and sees it all, yet He loves us just the same and He is fervently chasing after us so that we can know Him on a more intimate level. 

 

Please pray for Nellie and her tender heart.  Nellie is a compassionate, thoughtful, hopeful, joyful mother that misses her daughter terribly.  Her life will never be the same.  Everything will be different . . . it will be hard, even beyond hard, at times!  Pray for encouragement and peace and that the Lord would flood her mind with precious thoughts and memories of Alissa.  Pray too for the other mommies who are also longing for their daughters tonight - Deani Merrell, Janna Jennings and Marianne Johnson.  We are part of a club that no one wants to be a part of. 

 

I leave you with this beautiful poem that was shared at Alissa's Life Celebration today.  It sums it up perfectly.  Take heart, Dear One.  It is not in vain.  Thank you Lord for making us in beautifully specific ways, for your glory.  Thank you for knowing us so intimately.  I am so grateful that your love for me does not change, even when my feelings do!  Be near, Dear God.

 

"Because of you I appreciate
the sunset more than before.
Because of you I stop to lookup at the moon and wish upon a star.
Because of you I look forward to hearing the birds sing in the morning, and thank God for their beautiful songs.
Because of you I am more understanding of others and accept people for who they are. ...
Because of you material things don't matter.
Because of you the touch of someone you love is more precious than any gift you can receive.
Because of you I have a broken heart but I thank God for sending you to me.
For there is no stronger love than I hold for you.
Until we meet again" . . . 

 - By J. Melia

Joy

JOY - it's such a wonderful word, isn't it?  And I've been experiencing it, My Friends!  This is a BIG DEAL, ya'll.  There was a time where I didn't think I would feel joy again; where I wouldn't see true joy again in my life, in our lives as a family.  But, the Lord has recently given me great joy.  Oh, I am so indescribably grateful!

I've combined a few definitions of "joy" for you . . . 

 1. a :  the emotion evoked by well-being or by the prospect of possessing what one desires 

     b :  the expression or exhibition of such emotion 

      2

:  a state of happiness or felicity 

      3

:  a source or cause of delight

Last Friday I was able to speak at the OANAPT Conference at Mercy Hospital in OKC.  I love public speaking, even though I am a bit rusty, and I've been praying for more opportunities to do it. It's a part of my life that I really miss. Last week God gave me that opportunity and it gave me so much joy!  Not only that, but I was able to see many of our precious friends/therapist of whom we are bonded for life because of Ellie Kate.  Truly, the time was precious in every way and I am still so full of joy from the experience (if you need a speaker, I'm available . . . just sayin'!).

Yesterday, I was able to take Lucy to the mall in the handicap-accessible van.  This was HUGE to me as a momma.  The van was given to us by The Lord (through friends) for Ellie Kate, before Lucy was even born.  It had some major repairs that needed to be done and we just weren't able to get it fixed for a long, long time.  But, because of your gifts and the GoFundMe page, we were able to get it completely fixed, air-conditioning and all and Lucy is now able to ride in it!!  

Check out her PURE JOY . . . 

She couldn't get enough!

Going to the mall is a typical thing, yes?  And I was able to do it with MY DAUGHTER!  I felt good enough, she felt good enough, and we had the transportation to get there.  We met Mindy and her daughter Lexi, along with sweet Lyla, whom Lucy adores.  We shopped and I actually allowed Lucy to "play" on the playground!  She loved being around all of the kids, and most of the parents were so kind and gracious.  

Me, Lyla and Lucy

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Lucy loved the candles at Bath and Body!  Two hands!

Last night, I let the boys watch Lucy while I took a shower and while Mike was in the kitchen.  Henry ran into me saying, "Mommy, Lucy has a seizure, Lucy has a seizure!".  I ran into to find my sweet boys in bed with their sister, holding her and stroking her head.  She was completely fine, and even though she had a few slight seizures and the boys know how to recognize them, etc - I was STILL overjoyed at the thought that they care for Lucy.  The boys LOVE their sister, even though she is sick and even though they know she will likely be in Heaven before they will be.  It was a normal moment to me, something typical - brothers in bed with their baby sister, playing and talking to her.  JOY to my heart!  

And as I think about the upcoming weeks, I am filled with joy as well.  Sure there is some anxiety, stress, etc, but God has given me joy for this time.  It is a gift I do not take for granted!  Lucy starts school in just two weeks.  Her third bday is just weeks away too!  And then we will be on our Make-a-Wish trip to Disney!  And before you know it, we will be celebrating Ellie Kate's birthday at OU Children's (more to come on that).  

I feel loved and cared for.  My heart is delighted, and I thank Jesus for this precious time in my life and in my heart.  I know I won't always feel this joy, but for now . . . I am relishing in it.

10"Hear, O LORD, and be gracious to me; O LORD, be my helper." 11You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, 12That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalm 30:11

For the Lord will deliver Jacob 

and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they.

12They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion;

they will rejoice in the bounty of the Lord—

the grain, the new wine and the olive oil,

the young of the flocks and herds.

They will be like a well-watered garden,

and they will sorrow no more.

13Then young women will dance and be glad,

young men and old as well.

I will turn their mourning into gladness;

I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

14I will satisfy the priests with abundance,

and my people will be filled with my bounty,”

Jeremiah 31:11-14

"Truly, truly, I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will grieve, but your grief will be turned into joy."

John 16:20

Man of Sorrows

Sometimes I feel as though I am "Debbie Downer" when I post.  You know, the lovable (sarcasm) SNL character who always brought the room down with her depressing lines?  Ya'll, I certainly do NOT want to be a Debbie Downer, not in any way, shape or form.  And I want to fiercely apologize if I come across that way.

The woman in this photo is NOT Ryan McLaughlin

The truth is, we have lots of wonderful times as a family!  We have SO many blessings - food, a home, vehicles, medical insurance, a job, etc, etc, etc.  We have SO much to be grateful for, and everyday I really and truly have a grateful heart.  I have seen God's goodness and I know His heart is tender towards us.  In fact, this week has included an OU game, birthday parties, Community Group, sleepovers with grandparents, and a date night!  This Blog is my journal though, and sometimes you write your deepest, most heart-felt thoughts down in your journal, and those thoughts and feelings aren't always pretty; actually, they rarely are because they are raw.  Truth is raw and real and messy, so that's what you often see here in my words. For that, I will not apologize.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about all of those hurting, those who have experienced loss and grief.  My heart is often so very heavy for others.  One of my spiritual gifts is Mercy, so I long to connect with people and let them know that they aren't alone.  Sometimes though, this can get you in a place where you are mostly, if not entirely, surrounded by hard stuff.  Remember that truth is raw and messy, right?  Same with life.  Real life and struggles can be most disheartening for those going through dark times and for those who are around them, trying to love them through it, becoming emotionally attached and involved.  Let's be real.  Life is messy for ALL of us. 

Mercy- "kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation" - Merriam Webster

But here's the thing . . . Jesus had a heart of mercy too.  He created mercy after all, and He places it in our hearts for others because He wants us to be His hands and His feet.  And did you know that Jesus was called "The Man of Sorrows"?  He was so wrapped up in the hurt of others; He was so heavy-hearted for those around Him who were hurting, that He literally was called "The Man of Sorrows".  

Isaiah 53:2-4, "For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. 3He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.…"

I am not claiming to be Jesus, Friends (Oh, I am SO far from that, you don't even know!), but I do know this:  when we give our lives and our hearts to Jesus Christ, He makes us tender towards others.  He allows us to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.  He calls us to do that as Believers - that's how He wants it to be!  And that means that sometimes, we are sorrowful and may seem surrounded by sorrow.  But don't let that dishearten you - it is a quality of Christ and one that we are called to! 

During these times when I see so many hurting and struggling, Scripture breathes life into my Spirit as I remember that Jesus promises to be with us.  Jesus promises that He has overcome the world, and THAT is something we can all rejoice in!  

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

No matter what I'm facing, what my friend is facing, or what I am facing with/for/alongside of my friend, God has overcome and WILL be glorified.  

May you find peace in these truths tonight - 

Ryan 

All About Henry

This week has been a rough one, I'm not gonna lie.  If you follow us on Facebook, you know that this is true - our hearts have been hurting with more friends who are going through trials and heartaches (more about that in my next post).  My IC flare has intensified with a UTI that won't clear up, and Henry put us through quite the scare! But, this post is really all bout Our Henry Mac . . . 

I've been so concerned for Henry as he started first grade, his first time to go all-day to school.  With everything he has dealt with this summer, including diagnoses and introducing meds, my heart has been even more tender towards our Sweet Boy.

Henry lost his first tooth a week ago!

Henry's been complaining of a tummy ache and a sore neck for almost two weeks.  I had our nurses look at his throat and it wasn't even red.  He didn't have any other symptoms, and although I did believe him, I thought it was all due to going back to school - getting used to carrying his backpack, getting into a new routine, reading at a desk, etc.

The boys were out of school on Tuesday and he slept in until 9:30am.  We had a full weekend with friends and family activities, so I thought he was just tired.  He woke up and ate a few bites of breakfast and went back to bed until about 4pm.  I kept checking in on Henry and he didn't have a fever, but I knew something was up.  I thought he may be coming down with something, so of course I was looking up symptoms online.  When I finally got Henry to wake up, he was confused and wasn't making much sense.  He was extremely lethargic and said his entire body hurt.  He wouldn't even stand up for me, so I knew he was pretty sick.  It was so close to 5pm that I decided to wait a few minutes and take Henry to a pediatric urgent care right at 5pm.

This new pediatric urgent care close by us is run by some precious doctors from OU Childrens.  These are girls (um, doctors) whom we have seen grow up in the program and it is SO exciting to see them go out on their own like this!  Needless to say, we were thrilled when we walked in and saw one of our very favorites, Dr. P and of course she got Henry right in.  Dr. P had cared for Ellie Kate and Lucy.  She knew who we were, and I had no doubt that God went before us because I was a nervous wreck.

Henry couldn't stand up for his weight check and was very wobbly.  He still was extremely sleepy and out of it.  During some of his neuro checks his little eyes rolled back into his head.  I'm not going to lie, I screamed out to God internally at that moment, "Oh God, do NOT do this to another one of my children!".  It looked so seizure-like and I panicked.  His behavior was worrisome and Dr. P knew we needed to head to the OU ER. She called the attending there to let them know we were on our way and what to expect.  And off we went!

OU Children's ER is usually pretty busy.  We waited a while and finally got back, Henry still lethargic and asleep.  We had a new attending - one we had never met before, and it was NOT the same one that Dr. P had talked to before we arrived.  Shift change happened during our wait and thus we had an attending who didn't know us, didn't know our history with the girls (which has never happened in that ER), and who honestly didn't seem to want to be working that night.

Henry's bloodwork came back normal and so did his urine (which I had to ask to be done).  They did an ultrasound on his belly and found some intestinal issues that apparently are not uncommon, and the kind he has was supposedly supposed to correct itself.

Sparing the details, I packed Henry up and took him to the car while Mike wrapped things up in the ER.  Don't mess with a momma-bear who has any background whatsoever in special-needs or in working with doctors and nurses.  Our expectations are unapolagetically high, and we WILL hold you to a higher standard, a standard you pledged to when you became a doctor.  We left without many answers but SO many of you contacted us with texts, emails and messages.  We know you were praying for us; faithful are the prayers of the Saints!!!

Henry has continued to get better each day, although his neck still hurts a bit.  He had a clean bill of health from the doctor yesterday.  She thinks it could have been a bad virus, and I agree.  He definitely was scary-sick, but now he is better!  Henry in particular misses Ellie Kate so much, and this week he even dressed like her while he was home sick.  I'm not sure what to do with that or how to parent that.  His friends Jazzy and Rye brought him some balloons to cheer him up and he let two of those balloons "go to Ellie Kate" by letting them loose outside.  His little heart hurts.

Would you continue to pray for Henry's health?  Would you pray that the Lord would lead Mike and I as we seek wisdom in parenting Henry?  I'm also conflicted about Henry's schooling, although we do like his school and LOVE his teacher.  I just want to do what's best for him and his tender heart.

Daddy and Henry on our "Henry Date" last night

LUCY . . . 
So this update isn't ALL about Henry:).  Lucy is doing SO well and we were able to get her helmet this week thanks to some generous friends!  God ALWAYS provides, and we've been blown away by your thoughtfulness and willingness to bless us.  We have other things we are going to be able to soon order for Lucy and we have been able to pay some of her bills, which is WONDERFUL (I just cannot tell you what a good feeling it is to NOT get a phone call about a bill because it's been paid for!!).  So, thank you.  Thank you for giving and for supporting us through the "GoFundMe" page.  It's so humbling. With all of my heart, thank you.  

She loves it, I promise!  More pics to follow!