It seems as though I am going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe. With Conner starting 5th grade next fall and with the recent issues in the Oklahoma Public School Systems (i.e. Common Core, etc), I'm desperately wanting to do something different. I mean, I am desperately wanting better education for my children.
For so long, we've been in "survival mode", and I truly haven't had much time to think about the boys and school (please don't judge). Afterall, our local elementary school has high marks and is close enough for them to walk to. And I must say, there are a few teachers there that we really and truly love!
There is just something missing . . . Is it REALLY okay to have 27 kids in ONE classroom? Should I just put up with the fact that I don't feel welcome at the school, that I don't feel like I fit in, that we have yet to truly connect with our neighbors (except for two families, one of which is Conner's good friend Matthew and his family)? We've been in our home for almost FOUR years. Shouldn't we feel at home, at ease, and even welcome (gasp) at the school and in the neighborhood? But alas, that is not the case.
The time I've spent with my friend Jenni over the last few years has reminded me of the precious connection one has by being in a small Christian school. People rally around you during hard times. People pray for you. People serve along side of you and teach your children to serve as well. Classrooms are smaller. Families and individuals are truly known and they genuinely care; that is a priceless thing to me. It's sort of like going to school in a small town where everyone knows everyone else. I want that for my kids.
I want my children to be known. I want them to excel because of one-on-one attention in the classroom and on the field. I want them to learn character qualities and experience life with teachers and coaches who are Believers. I want to play a part in their education, rather than the government dictating so many things. I want them to have life-long friends like I do, ones that I can trust to care for my children. I want them to know the Lord in a deeper way, and for that to be taught in the classroom.
This is something that Mike and I are intensely praying about. Right now, there is no way we can afford ANY Christian school in the Metro. We don't live an extravagant life as it is (have you seen our cars lately?? I'm not complaining, just sayin'). There is nothing we can cut from our budget to help. I thought about homeschooling, using the curriculum from one of the local Christian schools, but what would happen if Lucy had a doctor appointment, had testing, appointments, or was in the hospital for weeks??? Unfortunately, I don't think this would be a possibility for us. It just isn't realistic.
So, what IS a possibility??? Well, we could sell our house and move into a smaller, older home. That would give us some extra funds to put towards school. And if I keep working my Plexus business, that would help too! And of course, God would need to pour some major manna from Heaven, folks. He would have to clearly show us that this is what He wants by providing in a miraculous ways.
It hurts my heart to leave this home where the memory of Ellie Kate is so alive! This is the place she died; where her spirit left this earth, right here in my bed. Could I leave this house? The desire I have for the boys is burning so strong that I would be willing to leave, to sacrifice. To be honest, my dream is to move into a historic house in Edmond, in the same neighborhood as many of our good friends, all of whom we go to church with or do Hope Link with. Ahhh, that would be the life!
I'd love to live in a crickety old house, on a tree-lined street and be able to send our kids to the Christian school there. But, that isn't realistic for us. And though I am sad that we can't do that at this time, I find solace in the fact that God is orchestrating it all. And isn't that what parenting is all about?? Sacrifice is what we are called to as Believers. Sacrifice is what we are called to as parents. It isn't fun, it isn't easy, it isn't always what we want to do . . . but if it were, then it wouldn't be sacrifice, now would it? Sacrifice builds character and makes us more dependent on the Father.
We would love your prayers as we seek the Lord in this. I truly believe He is working on our hearts at this very moment. Only HE could place this desire in our hearts. The Holy Spirit is at work, and I want to listen whole-heartedly!
Waiting on the Lord (and wondering if mid-life crisis are typical when you are 36) -
Ryan
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Monday, May 19, 2014
May 20th - The Day The World Changed
Tomorrow is May 20th; it's the one year anniversary of the tragic EF5 tornado that stole so much from so many here in our town of Moore, Oklahoma. Over 4,000 homes were severely damaged or completely destroyed. Think about that - 4,000 households dealing with significant loss. The tornado was on the ground for a long 39 minutes. 377 were injured. 24 precious people lost their lives. It was a day that changed the lives of everyone in our town. Literally, our surroundings - our World, had changed.
The tornado was close to us. I saw it from our front porch and was sure it was going to hit. I was shocked that it turned slightly South, which tornadoes rarely do. We were safe, but so many were not. All I remember from that night was that I kept thinking, "It could have been us". It was a blessing that we didn't have power, so were weren't exposed to the news stories or pictures. We didn't really know how bad it was, although we knew it was bad. The tornado was slow, of that I was sure. And it kept going on and on.
On May 21st, we went into action, like thousands of others did. I think it was more for us than for anyone else, to be quite honest. It was a few days away from the five-month anniversary of Ellie Kate's death. The way we ended up helping was was tough, heart-wrenching, and so very, very tragic. There were families who had lost children close to Ellie Kate's age. I knew what they were about to face as they started this terrible journey. I knew how hard it could be, and I hated that they had to go through this as well. When we met them, I kept thinking, "I got to say goodbye. I knew it was coming. These families didn't have that chance". Life was stolen from them.
There are so many things that could be said about May 20th, about the "celebrations" that are taking place on the one-year-anniversary, about the different events taking place. But really, all I can think about are the families of those who lost someone they loved exactly one year ago tomorrow. These are my friends. These are people that I love. We are part of a fraternity that no one would choose to be a part of, and yet here we are, bonded for life.
I'm very protective of my friends as they face this hard day tomorrow, and the many more to come. I can only compare it to what I know, and that is the first anniversary of my Ellie Kate's death (I had to go out of town for that anniversary. It was a blinding time of grief. 'How could it have been a year?! Please God, don't let it have been a year since I've seen or touched my Daughter!').
I think of these Dear Ones as they are constantly reminded of this tragedy over and over and over and over again through the media. I think of them as they are hounded by press and by photographers who want the "inside scoop" of how they feel, or what they are thinking. I wonder how they feel about these "celebrations" and events being held on the very day that their children died. My mind wonders about how they can't escape this pain because is surrounds them in so many ways. I wonder how it would feel to be so deeply mourning and yet not be able to get away. I think of them as they relive those last moments, those last conversations, those last hugs. And for these things, my heart bleeds for them.
May 20th affected every Oklahoman - every parent, every individual, every church, every organization. It still affects us all as our town rebuilds, as people deal with loss, as many learn to live with their fears. But really, to me May 20th is about honoring the lives that were lost and loving and praying for their loved ones that were left behind.
Please join me tomorrow in honoring these precious lives. And oh, Friends, pray for their families - for the parents who long to hold their children, the son who misses his mother, for the husband who now lives without his wife.
Lord Jesus, you are The Blessed Controller of All Things, and yet we still mourn and hurt over the losses we face in this life. We live in a fallen, broken world where unfair things happen; where bad and terrible things take place. May these things point us to YOU, Jesus. Oh Lord, have mercy! We cry out for mercy on behalf of those who lost their loved ones one year ago. Meet them where they are, Lord. Please wrap your arms around them. Holy Spirit, show yourself mighty. We trust you to heal the hearts of the families. Use us, Lord. Be glorified even now.
-Ryan
AP photos of the May 20th Anniversary
ESPN Story, Narrated by Kevin Durant
"Where Was God?" movie trailer
*"Where Was God?" is a beautiful story of redemption through the May 20th tornado. It is a must-see movie that will affect you on so many levels. "Where Was God?" is playing exclusively at the Warren Theater in Moore, OK.
The tornado was close to us. I saw it from our front porch and was sure it was going to hit. I was shocked that it turned slightly South, which tornadoes rarely do. We were safe, but so many were not. All I remember from that night was that I kept thinking, "It could have been us". It was a blessing that we didn't have power, so were weren't exposed to the news stories or pictures. We didn't really know how bad it was, although we knew it was bad. The tornado was slow, of that I was sure. And it kept going on and on.
On May 21st, we went into action, like thousands of others did. I think it was more for us than for anyone else, to be quite honest. It was a few days away from the five-month anniversary of Ellie Kate's death. The way we ended up helping was was tough, heart-wrenching, and so very, very tragic. There were families who had lost children close to Ellie Kate's age. I knew what they were about to face as they started this terrible journey. I knew how hard it could be, and I hated that they had to go through this as well. When we met them, I kept thinking, "I got to say goodbye. I knew it was coming. These families didn't have that chance". Life was stolen from them.
There are so many things that could be said about May 20th, about the "celebrations" that are taking place on the one-year-anniversary, about the different events taking place. But really, all I can think about are the families of those who lost someone they loved exactly one year ago tomorrow. These are my friends. These are people that I love. We are part of a fraternity that no one would choose to be a part of, and yet here we are, bonded for life.
I'm very protective of my friends as they face this hard day tomorrow, and the many more to come. I can only compare it to what I know, and that is the first anniversary of my Ellie Kate's death (I had to go out of town for that anniversary. It was a blinding time of grief. 'How could it have been a year?! Please God, don't let it have been a year since I've seen or touched my Daughter!').
I think of these Dear Ones as they are constantly reminded of this tragedy over and over and over and over again through the media. I think of them as they are hounded by press and by photographers who want the "inside scoop" of how they feel, or what they are thinking. I wonder how they feel about these "celebrations" and events being held on the very day that their children died. My mind wonders about how they can't escape this pain because is surrounds them in so many ways. I wonder how it would feel to be so deeply mourning and yet not be able to get away. I think of them as they relive those last moments, those last conversations, those last hugs. And for these things, my heart bleeds for them.
May 20th affected every Oklahoman - every parent, every individual, every church, every organization. It still affects us all as our town rebuilds, as people deal with loss, as many learn to live with their fears. But really, to me May 20th is about honoring the lives that were lost and loving and praying for their loved ones that were left behind.
Please join me tomorrow in honoring these precious lives. And oh, Friends, pray for their families - for the parents who long to hold their children, the son who misses his mother, for the husband who now lives without his wife.
Lord Jesus, you are The Blessed Controller of All Things, and yet we still mourn and hurt over the losses we face in this life. We live in a fallen, broken world where unfair things happen; where bad and terrible things take place. May these things point us to YOU, Jesus. Oh Lord, have mercy! We cry out for mercy on behalf of those who lost their loved ones one year ago. Meet them where they are, Lord. Please wrap your arms around them. Holy Spirit, show yourself mighty. We trust you to heal the hearts of the families. Use us, Lord. Be glorified even now.
-Ryan
AP photos of the May 20th Anniversary
ESPN Story, Narrated by Kevin Durant
"Where Was God?" movie trailer
*"Where Was God?" is a beautiful story of redemption through the May 20th tornado. It is a must-see movie that will affect you on so many levels. "Where Was God?" is playing exclusively at the Warren Theater in Moore, OK.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day. It's a time to honor your mother; to love on her in special ways, to give her gifts of appreciation and to care for her in ways that you don't normally do in the everyday life. But for moms who have lost children, it can be excruciating. Really and truly, this day can be so painful.
Somehow, I think that Mother's Day may be harder than other holidays, for those whose children are in Heaven. On holidays, birthdays and "Heaven-Days", people surround you and lift you up. They love on YOU because they know how hard it is. On Mother's Day though, they are celebrating their own mothers and grandmothers and rightfully so! It's just that many moms of dead children (let's call it what it is, folks) don't always get the out-of-the-ordinary encouragement and reckless love that they may receive on other holidays.
Yesterday was horrible for me (I'm just being real). I was focused on the fact that one of my children was missing on my Mother's Day weekend. Ellie Kate will always be missing from this special time; and that hurts. I was in a terrible mood and stomped around the house, around the soccer fields and around the grocery store. My poor family, including Nurse Mindy, put up with so much. How grateful I am for their patience!
Since there's a chance for severe weather, I also took yesterday to put my energy into getting our storm shelter ready. This included gathering Ellie's precious things that I want to be sure and save. I stomped around in the attic, and then I broke down. I fell on top of those clothes - the ones I never again will see Ellie Kate in. I couldn't catch my breath as I opened her armoire. I touched those dresses. With each piece of clothing came a memory. They flooded my heart so quickly that I almost couldn't stand it. I went to Ellie's spot and left a little gift (it's more for me than for her, obviously). I went to bed heavy-hearted, holding on to Ellie's shirt (which I do every night).
Ellie's Spot at Sunset Yesterday
I thought today would be miserable for me. But you know what? It hasn't been! Even Lucy's extreme crying spells haven't made me upset (although I do hurt for her and long to help her). I've felt special and loved. Mike, Mindy, Conner, Henry, and even Lucy have made me feel loved and special today. I proudly used the bag Ellie Kate gave me Mother's Day 2012 as my purse today, and it made me smile. Of course, I miss her being with me, having all of my children together. But, I'm thankful that she is complete and whole and is no longer suffering, and that makes me happy. Lord knows all of us mommas want our children to be happy; we want to take away their pain, and that is something I could never do for Ellie. But now . . . NO PAIN!
I am able to rejoice today - rejoice in the fact that I was able to have my children because I know that is something many people long for; including some dear friends. I'm able to rejoice because my family is honoring me. I'm able to rejoice because My Precious Daughter is with her King today! It is a good day.
Thank you for your prayers, Dear Friends. Thank you for your many texts and posts. You have encouraged my heart. If you know a momma hurting because of child loss, because of miscarriage or because of infertility, please go and love on them today in a reckless way.
Enjoying My Mother's Day,
Ryan
Somehow, I think that Mother's Day may be harder than other holidays, for those whose children are in Heaven. On holidays, birthdays and "Heaven-Days", people surround you and lift you up. They love on YOU because they know how hard it is. On Mother's Day though, they are celebrating their own mothers and grandmothers and rightfully so! It's just that many moms of dead children (let's call it what it is, folks) don't always get the out-of-the-ordinary encouragement and reckless love that they may receive on other holidays.
Special Times with My Darling Girl
Yesterday was horrible for me (I'm just being real). I was focused on the fact that one of my children was missing on my Mother's Day weekend. Ellie Kate will always be missing from this special time; and that hurts. I was in a terrible mood and stomped around the house, around the soccer fields and around the grocery store. My poor family, including Nurse Mindy, put up with so much. How grateful I am for their patience!
Since there's a chance for severe weather, I also took yesterday to put my energy into getting our storm shelter ready. This included gathering Ellie's precious things that I want to be sure and save. I stomped around in the attic, and then I broke down. I fell on top of those clothes - the ones I never again will see Ellie Kate in. I couldn't catch my breath as I opened her armoire. I touched those dresses. With each piece of clothing came a memory. They flooded my heart so quickly that I almost couldn't stand it. I went to Ellie's spot and left a little gift (it's more for me than for her, obviously). I went to bed heavy-hearted, holding on to Ellie's shirt (which I do every night).
Ellie's Spot at Sunset Yesterday
Happy Mother's Day Gift for Ellie's Spot
I thought today would be miserable for me. But you know what? It hasn't been! Even Lucy's extreme crying spells haven't made me upset (although I do hurt for her and long to help her). I've felt special and loved. Mike, Mindy, Conner, Henry, and even Lucy have made me feel loved and special today. I proudly used the bag Ellie Kate gave me Mother's Day 2012 as my purse today, and it made me smile. Of course, I miss her being with me, having all of my children together. But, I'm thankful that she is complete and whole and is no longer suffering, and that makes me happy. Lord knows all of us mommas want our children to be happy; we want to take away their pain, and that is something I could never do for Ellie. But now . . . NO PAIN!
Thundering Up for Church!
On the 50th try (okay, I'm exaggerating), we finally got a decent one (halfway decent).
I am able to rejoice today - rejoice in the fact that I was able to have my children because I know that is something many people long for; including some dear friends. I'm able to rejoice because my family is honoring me. I'm able to rejoice because My Precious Daughter is with her King today! It is a good day.
Thank you for your prayers, Dear Friends. Thank you for your many texts and posts. You have encouraged my heart. If you know a momma hurting because of child loss, because of miscarriage or because of infertility, please go and love on them today in a reckless way.
Enjoying My Mother's Day,
Ryan
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Lucy Belle
We are home! Thank you so much for praying for Lucy Belle. She is doing so much better, although she still isn't back to her full, happy self. We've upped a few seizure meds and have added a new rescue med for her long seizure episodes.
There is no way we could get through these things without your love and support. This was such a scary time for us and for Lucy. Your encouragement has meant the world to us. Your prayers have lifted us up more than you could know. We truly just couldn't do this without YOU. YOU are a huge part of our journey!
Lucy did start running a fever tonight, and if it gets too high, we have to go back to the hospital; you can imagine how much we DO NOT want to do that!! Please pray for her fever to go away completely. Also, please pray that she will be back to her self again. We are so ready to see our Bubbly Little Girl rolling around the house!
On a lighter note . . . we are SO grateful for all that you did to show us love on NKH Awareness Day! Here are just a few fun pics that you posted and sent to us on May 2nd:
There is no way we could get through these things without your love and support. This was such a scary time for us and for Lucy. Your encouragement has meant the world to us. Your prayers have lifted us up more than you could know. We truly just couldn't do this without YOU. YOU are a huge part of our journey!
Lucy did start running a fever tonight, and if it gets too high, we have to go back to the hospital; you can imagine how much we DO NOT want to do that!! Please pray for her fever to go away completely. Also, please pray that she will be back to her self again. We are so ready to see our Bubbly Little Girl rolling around the house!
On a lighter note . . . we are SO grateful for all that you did to show us love on NKH Awareness Day! Here are just a few fun pics that you posted and sent to us on May 2nd:
Thank you, Friends. We are truly blessed by you in so many ways.
With Love,
Ryan
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Prayers for Lucy
Yesterday, Lucy was taken by ambulance to OU Children's for seizures and low oxygen levels. Her seizures had been increasing since Wednesday. We first thought that the seizure increase was from her surgery, but they continued to increase and became almost constant.
The ER was amazing, and everyone welcomed us in and started right away to get Lucy cared for. The Attending said, "Well hello, Lucy Belle" as we wheeled in from the ambulance. There is that comfort factor again, which I am so grateful for.
We had a very hard time getting Lucy's seizures under control yesterday. In fact, they continued to get worse so more and more meds were administered. By 11pm, her little body stopped seizing (at least as far as we could tell). She was put on oxygen because her oxygen levels again were going low.
Overnight, Lucy slept well. She is snowed but is now on room air, doing great without oxygen. We aren't sure why this has happened. We don't know how long we will be here. We don't know much, to be honest - no one does. We will just go off of Lucy's cues. Today will be all about her. We pray that she will wake up soon and that her seizures will be over, or at least back to her "normal".
Since Lucy is so sensitive right now, we are asking for no visitors. Thank you so much for praying for Our Lu Lu.
Ryan
The ER was amazing, and everyone welcomed us in and started right away to get Lucy cared for. The Attending said, "Well hello, Lucy Belle" as we wheeled in from the ambulance. There is that comfort factor again, which I am so grateful for.
We had a very hard time getting Lucy's seizures under control yesterday. In fact, they continued to get worse so more and more meds were administered. By 11pm, her little body stopped seizing (at least as far as we could tell). She was put on oxygen because her oxygen levels again were going low.
Overnight, Lucy slept well. She is snowed but is now on room air, doing great without oxygen. We aren't sure why this has happened. We don't know how long we will be here. We don't know much, to be honest - no one does. We will just go off of Lucy's cues. Today will be all about her. We pray that she will wake up soon and that her seizures will be over, or at least back to her "normal".
Since Lucy is so sensitive right now, we are asking for no visitors. Thank you so much for praying for Our Lu Lu.
Ryan
Thursday, May 1, 2014
May 2nd - NKH Awareness Day
Tomorrow is NKH Awareness Day! That's right, Friday, May 2nd is a day set aside to spread awareness for this disease which affects less than 500 people world-wide. Last year we celebrated NKH Awareness Day in the hospital, but this year - THIS YEAR, WE ARE HOME!! Wahoo!! Lucy is home, and we are excited to celebrate our big NKH Day out of the hospital.
We had such a great response last year from our friends and family. There was so much support in raising awareness for Non-Ketotic Hyperglycenemia or Glycine Encephaloopathy . Some of your support looked like this . . .
We are asking you again to spread the word on this disorder that has taken the life of so many, including Our Ellie Kate. You can do this everyday, but in particularly, spread the word tomorrow! Tell people about NKH. Tell people about Ellie Kate. Tell people about Lucy Belle. Tell the world and raise awareness!
Also, we ask that you mark yourself to spread awareness. Yep - mark yourself! Use your body to write special messages, like the ones seen above. Undoubtedly, people will see your NKH markings and will ask you about it. It will give you the perfect chance to tell the world about this disorder! Also, post your pics on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram! We want to see your NKH Love, so show it loud and proud!
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you too for supporting our girls, our family, and our extended NKH Family around the world.
For more information on NKH, please visit the following sites:
NKH Family Network, NKH Crusaders and Hope for NKH
With Hope,
Ryan
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