The Beauty that is Adoption is so much richer, so much deeper, so much sweeter, than I ever thought possible - and we are just at the beginning of it all! As you may remember, Mike and I have always had a heart for adoption and God so clearly stirred our hearts deeply towards it again, especially last December. Here we are, a year later, with a Baby Girl in our arms - this Most Precious Gift; an unspeakable gift, because I could never fully put into words just what Bowen Jane means to me, to us, and we've only had her in our arms less than a month!
Bowen Jane
"Small, Victorious One who is Our Gracious Gift from God"
Those who know me know that I am quite empathetic (to a fault) and one of my main Spiritual Gifts is "Mercy". My heart bleeds for others and I often feel deep emotions when others hurt. Even so, I don't pretend to begin to understand adoption and the many layers it holds. There are so many emotions for the adoptive parents, for the bio mom especially; emotions for the extended family, for siblings on both sides; it's a ripple effect. Its deeper than I ever thought, messier than I ever imagined and affects you in ways you don't always understand. We WILL TAKE IT! All of it, we will take it, with open arms and happy, humble hearts. Even though we still hurt for our birth mother (and now friend), even though anxiety rises as the relinquishment date approaches, even with the financial changes it's brought to our family - we will take it and CHOOSE it, a million times over!
When Ellie Kate was four, before we were pregnant with Lucy, I took her to school one day and heard a song on the radio along with the story behind it. It was the story of Matt Hammitt and his son, Bowen. It's where I first heard the name and it's meaning, and Matt shared of their fears and heartache as they've navigated through life-threatening heart issues with their sweet baby boy. Tears flowed when I heard that song because it so beautifully related to what we felt for Ellie Kate. The song Matt wrote in response to this specific time in their lives is called, "All of Me".
Ellie couldn't tell us that she loved us. She never was able to look us in the eye and at that time, couldn't really hug us or show much emotion toward us. We knew her life was fragile and we adored her, even though we very rarely got anything in return (don't you know God must feel the same way about us?). Because of God's love for us, Mike and I loved (love) Ellie Kate and gave (still give) her our hearts forever, regardless of the hurt or pain we knew might come, would come, could come, did come.
Similarly, our hearts are vulnerable with Bowen. At this time, up until relinquishment, we are not promised to be her forever family. We are not promised to even be in her life, even though she is now in our arms. Things can change in a moment, even up until the end, and while we don't believe things will change, there is still a chance. That's scary and has brought me terrible anxiety. Wildly worse anxiety than I have ever experienced. Adoption is a very vulnerable place to be, no matter what side of it you are on.
Yesterday, as I was driving, the VERY first song that came on was that same song from Matt Hammitt, "All of Me". The radio personality even went on to share about Bowen Hammitt too. I was BLOWN AWAY by God's timing (Which is so silly, seeing all He has done!). I knew it was God comforting my heart.
This song has come to mean so much to me, and I want to share it with you. It is a beautiful reminder for me with all of the children God has entrusted to me - the Even if you don't believe in God, even if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, you can still relate to this song - esp for those of us who have children with "terminal" diagnoses, those who are medically fragile, those with any type of special needs. We, as parents, choose to love with our WHOLE BEING, even if it is hard, even if it is scary, NO MATTER WHAT.
I share the words of this song with you today as well as a link so you can listen to it (it's totally worth listening to!). Thank you for sharing in our journey and for loving us as we travel this new road. We are so grateful for such support friends and especially for those fellow adoptive families who have chosen to walk beside us, teaching us all about the ins and outs of this precious subject God calls ALL BELIEVERS to participate in and with.
We can't wait to share more pictures and details with you soon!
Ryan
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"All of Me" - Video Link; LISTEN HERE: https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Matt+Hammit+All+of+Me&Form=VQFRVP
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Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart and pray he makes you whole
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every fallen tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every fallen tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
Heaven brought us to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every fallen tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every fallen tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start
Songwriters: BERNIE HERMS, MATT HAMMITT
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.
For non-commercial use only
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