To Jen Hatmaker - When the Precious Things Don't Live . . . A Letter to Encourage Your Heart

I've never done this before - writing to a particular person, other than to Our Ellie Kate.  However, I feel the need to do so this morning, especially in light of what I personally experienced last night at an event where Jen Hatmaker shared from her heart, where the Holy Spirit was present, where the Father moved in many hearts, including in mine.  While this message is specifically FOR Jen Hatmaker, I do not know if she will ever read it.  I just know I'm supposed to write it and I pray it encourages her heart, especially during the difficult times she's faced within the last few years.  I pray God would speak to all who read this, wherever you are in the world, wherever you are in your journey, wherever your heart may be at this time. 

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Miss Jen,

You don't know me from Adam, but I was there Monday night at the 7:30 event, new babe on my chest, there on your left, just a few rows from the front.  I didn't even know you were in town, but a Dear Friend gave me a ticket via FB around 6pm and by 6:30pm, this momma of five (four living on earth), dropped it all and jumped in the car for the 40 min drive up to OC.  My hair wasn't done and I had literally thrown clothes on as I was walking out the door.   I had our newborn, adopted daughter in the backseat and our struggling 8yo son ran after me in tears, as I tried to drive away in our handi-van (handicap van). I did my make-up in the car and later noticed I looked like a bit like a clown with stage make-up upon arrival at the event, but hey - I made it!

I.was.THRILLED . . . thrilled to be away, thrilled to be swept off my feet by the Father, as He so clearly took me away from the mess and stress of everyday life and brought me to a place to focus on Him, as He spoke through you.  Undoubtedly, many people were encouraged and touched, challenged and called out last night, and I'm in that group for sure. 

Your story resonates with me . . . FEAR.  LOSS.  ANXIETY.  HEARTACHE.  FAITH . . . God has rocked me in all of those ways, with all of MY Most Precious Things and more.  While I never hoped, planned or prayed for things to turn out this way, to look this way, to fall into place in this way, God DID.  He allowed things and caused things, and I can now look back with gratefulness and thanksgiving, even though that is still sometimes a choice as I know you so clearly understand from your testimony Monday night. 

Here's the thing, I feel the Lord wants you to know this, to be reminded of this truth: Even if the Precious Things DON'T live, even if things DON'T get better, God STILL redeems what is lost.  It may not be how we thought it would look like, or what we would expect, but He does it and will continue to do it until we meet Him again in eternity. 

I hope and pray my snip-it of a testimony will convey this very thing. 

Monday night, when you were talking about getting through the difficult times, you reminded us that as Believers, we will always overcome, which is absolutely true.  You even said, "you'll live and you're people will live".

But the thing is, what if they don't?  Meaning, what if you don't live or what if your Dearest Ones don't live, as in physically, there is death?  OR what if the difficult, the struggle, that specific heartache . . . keeps going on and on and on?  Even after experiencing it personally or as a family, even after you think God has brought you through it, what if God keeps you in it, always? 

With all of this in mind, and with the Holy Spirit laying this on my heart for you,

I'm daring to devote this blog post to you, in hopes you will read it;

in hopes others will be encouraged in the Faith. 

The MOST perfect example to me of personal loss, heartache and anxiety is Job.  I was spurred on to re-read it and was reminded of just how "human" Job really was - how he too broke down and longed for a break, longed for God to step in.  His testing lasted a long time and had life-changing consequences or outcomes.  He was left without his servants (A big deal in Biblical times), without his precious children, his family, everything he owned (which was a lot), even his friends.  STILL, God used it for His own glory and for Job's good and in the end, Job STILL chose God and worshiped Him! *For those who haven't read Job, jump in and read it as it only will take a little time to do so.  You won't be sorry! 

Job 1:21, ESV
"And he said . .  The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;

blessed be the name of the LORD.”

Job 3:25-26

“For what I fear comes upon me,
            And what I dread befalls me.

      “I am not at ease, nor am I quiet,
            And I am not at rest, but turmoil comes.”

Within the last 14 years of marriage, my husband and I have faced the following (please know I'm not listing for a 'pity-party' or for ya'll to feel sorry for us. I simply want the world to see that Believers face ON-GOING trials sometimes - trials that don't stop or let-up, and it isn't because of anything we've done or didn't do, nor is it bc of anything our kids have done.  It's because we live in a fallen, broken world.  It's because God is glorified through brokenness!):

• We have been given two, gorgeous girls born with NKH (non-ketotic hyperglyccenemia, or glycine encephalopathy), a rare and terminal genetic disorder
• We've suffered financially in great ways because of medical issues and strains brought on by medical fragility
• We've spent months upon months in the hospital, esp with our eldest daughter, Ellie Kate.  She spent most of her life in the hospital here in OK and in Texas and bc of that, we weren't able to bond and presently love the children we had at home during those times.
• Ellie Kate left this earth December 23rd, 2012 just days after her 7th bday.  She was home on hospice only three days before she died, but we were able to be there, holding our Darling Girl, as she took her last breath here and her FIRST breath in Heaven. 
• After Ellie Kate died, our youngest son was diagnosed with PANDAS, which is brought on by strep.  Strep attacks his body and brain on a daily basis and the symptoms it causes can be hell on him and on everyone around him.  We struggle to seek the best treatment, find the best doctors and counselors, but even still, he struggles and it is heartbreaking.  (symptoms are similar to mental illness as well as Aspergers and Autism).
• Our eldest son struggles with fear and anger - anger that he is the only "normal" or "healthy" one in the family, anger over so much childhood that was strained.
• After Ellie died, our youngest son was also diagnosed with brain malformations and seizures
• Our youngest daughter, Lucy Belle (who also has NKH) has many appointments and therapies throughout the week.  She doesn't walk or talk and only eats via g-tube.  She has intractable epilepsy and seizes many times on a daily basis, despite being on a total of 12 medications for seizures and for her disorder. 
• My husband has experienced job losses over the years as he's tried to balance sleepless night and hospital stays with his work commitments.  He even lived states away from us for a year in order to provide for our family.
• I was called to leave my career in Higher Education; Speaking and writing is something I love, but God has allowed that also to be put on the back-burner, which is sometimes super frustrating and sad.
• I was diagnosed with several auto-immune issues, including Intercystial Cystitis, which causes severe pain in the bladder and kidneys (like a constant severe UTI). I can't work out bc of physical pain, and God has taken away any pride I might have had in my body. 
• Friends have come and gone - most have the best of intentions but it is so difficult. lt's hard to love and befriend a family with special needs and medical fragility, which I totally understand.

Our list may be familiar to many and I am sure there are so many who's lists are

much more lengthy and detailed than ours! 

Within the pain and heartache, even at our lowest points, even at MY lowest points, God has been FAITHFUL and TRUE.  I've clung to what I know is true, as you encouraged us to last Monday:  It's the only way to get through the circumstances that don't make sense, that don't stop, that don't change. 

Philippians 4:8 (ESV)⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

In God's faithfulness, and BECAUSE of the things I've listed above,

God has done the following and MORE . . .

• PERSONAL MISSION:  God gave me a personal mission through our journey - a mission to love and serve those within the special needs community, and it's a mission our family has adopted as well.  I never would have looked at precious people in this way, and never thought I would be an advocate within this special community.  God had other plans, and through our experiences, HE has given me a new love for those who are physically broken.  I am SO GRATEFUL! 

• WONDERFULLY MADE: God stirred my heart, and the heart of our church, to start Wonderfully Made, a ministry to families within the church, whose children have special needs or who are medically-complicated.  God has taken this ministry and grown it greatly and it isn't because of anything I've done, or that we've done as a family!  There are now Wonderfully Made ministries (and those like it) around the country, reaching out to this people group who are SO easily forgotten by the Church!  Families see that they are NOT forgotten.  Children see that they ARE important, no matter how they are made by God, no matter what may happen to them on earth.  The atmosphere among the typical kids at churches changes too and everyone has become more loving, more accepting, more understanding of families like ours. It's all because of God's goodness and rich plans which we couldn't foresee.  I am SO GRATEFUL!

• OKC HOPE LINK:  God stirred within us a desire to start a support group for families whose children suffer from rare and serious disorders.  A precious friend of mine started Hope Link in 2007, reaching out to families like ours, letting them know they aren't alone.  Hope Link is open to any and all, no matter what your religious beliefs or backgrounds. In the last few years, we've become a 501c3, have developed a Board of Directors, and have seen continued growth within the group!  Hope Link has monthly support groups for moms, support for dads, events for the families throughout the year, a kid-free night where children are cared for by trained professionals, an annual retreat to spoil these warn-down, warrior mommies, and so much more!  We have given back to Make-a-Wish Oklahoma and give Care Baskets to OU Children's Hospitals, letting families there know they are loved and not alone. 

I am the first to admit that I am not any more special than the person next to me.  I haven't earned God's grace or goodness or even favor.  He hasn't punished me and my family by the difficulties He's allowed to befall us, but rather He has done so that we may KNOW that HE ALONE is GOD.  He has done so that it's obvious HE alone gets the glory.  He has done so for OUR good and for the good of our children. 

Even though the bad times, the tough times, the heartache doesn't yet stop for our family; even though we are still in this season of total dependence upon the Father, even though we don't always see "the light at the end of the tunnel" . . .  I personally can say that He is STILL GOOD and He DOES GOOD and we can all trust Him with everything we have, even our MOST PRECIOUS things - especially our Most Precious things.  He takes them and makes something more beautiful than we could ever have hope or imagined - so much better than anything we could have planned!  His ways are not our ways, and I'm truly grateful for that today. 

Like Job, we firmly say, Job 5:9, “As for me, I would seek God,
and to God would I commit my cause,
9who does great things and unsearchable,
marvelous things without number:" Job 5:9

Jen Hatmaker, if this applies to you, GREAT!  If not, that's totally fine too.  At least I've been obedient and sent it out for all the world to see.  I hope it's an encouragement to you, if and when those tough times don't stop for you and for your family.  I hope this is an encouragement to fellow Believers when the struggle seems to never end.  He WILL redeem and bring life, new ministry, new purpose, new joy! 

It may not be the way we expect, but He will ALWAYS do it, just as He's promised. 

*One last story of redemption for Our Family - God has given us a precious baby girl through adoption; a baby born in Shawnee, across from OBU, by doctors who attended your same school.  God allowed Our Daughter to be born on our Ellie Kate's Heaven Day, December 23rd!  Only God could bring redemption to that day in such an intimate way!

Truly, "The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy!" (Psalm 126:3)

With Great Love, Appreciation and Hope,

Ryan

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*Further promises from the Father:

Joel 2:25 (NIV)

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten-- the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm -- my great army that I sent among you.  

Isaiah 40: 8-10 (ESV)

"But you, Israel, my servant,
    Jacob, whom I have chosen,
    the offspring of Abraham, my friend;
⁹ you whom I took from the ends of the earth,
    and called from its farthest corners,
saying to you, “You are my servant,
    I have chosen you and not cast you off”;
¹⁰ fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"

Isaiah 43:1-2

"But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
² When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you."

Psalm 30:11, New Living Translation
"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.

You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy"

All of Me

The Beauty that is Adoption is so much richer, so much deeper, so much sweeter, than I ever thought possible - and we are just at the beginning of it all!  As you may remember, Mike and I have always had a heart for adoption and God so clearly stirred our hearts deeply towards it again, especially last December.  Here we are, a year later, with a Baby Girl in our arms - this Most Precious Gift; an unspeakable gift, because I could never fully put into words just what Bowen Jane means to me, to us, and we've only had her in our arms less than a month! 

Bowen Jane

"Small, Victorious One who is Our Gracious Gift from God"

Those who know me know that I am quite empathetic (to a fault) and one of my main Spiritual Gifts is "Mercy".  My heart bleeds for others and I often feel deep emotions when others hurt.  Even so, I don't pretend to begin to understand adoption and the many layers it holds.  There are so many emotions for the adoptive parents, for the bio mom especially; emotions for the extended  family, for siblings on both sides; it's a ripple effect.  Its deeper than I ever thought, messier than I ever imagined and affects you in ways you don't always understand.  We WILL TAKE IT!  All of it, we will take it, with open arms and happy, humble hearts.  Even though we still hurt for our birth mother (and now friend), even though anxiety rises as the relinquishment date approaches, even with the financial changes it's brought to our family - we will take it and CHOOSE it, a million times over! 

When Ellie Kate was four, before we were pregnant with Lucy, I took her to school one day and heard a song on the radio along with the story behind it.  It was the story of Matt Hammitt and his son, Bowen.  It's where I first heard the name and it's meaning, and Matt shared of their fears and heartache as they've navigated through life-threatening heart issues with their sweet baby boy.  Tears flowed when I heard that song because it so beautifully related to what we felt for Ellie Kate.  The song Matt wrote in response to this specific time in their lives is called, "All of Me". 

Ellie couldn't tell us that she loved us.  She never was able to look us in the eye and at that time, couldn't really hug us or show much emotion toward us.  We knew her life was fragile and we adored her, even though we very rarely got anything in return (don't you know God must feel the same way about us?).  Because of God's love for us, Mike and I loved (love) Ellie Kate and gave (still give) her our hearts forever, regardless of the hurt or pain we knew might come, would come, could come, did come. 

Similarly, our hearts are vulnerable with Bowen.  At this time, up until relinquishment, we are not promised to be her forever family.  We are not promised to even be in her life, even though she is now in our arms.  Things can change in a moment, even up until the end, and while we don't believe things will change, there is still a chance.  That's scary and has brought me terrible anxiety.  Wildly worse anxiety than I have ever experienced.  Adoption is a very vulnerable place to be, no matter what side of it you are on. 

Yesterday, as I was driving, the VERY first song that came on was that same song from Matt Hammitt, "All of Me".  The radio personality even went on to share about Bowen Hammitt too.  I was BLOWN AWAY by God's timing (Which is so silly, seeing all He has done!).  I knew it was God comforting my heart. 

This song has come to mean so much to me, and I want to share it with you.  It is a beautiful reminder for me with all of the children God has entrusted to me - the Even if you don't believe in God, even if you don't have a personal relationship with Jesus, you can still relate to this song - esp for those of us who have children with "terminal" diagnoses, those who are medically fragile, those with any type of special needs.  We, as parents, choose to love with our WHOLE BEING, even if it is hard, even if it is scary, NO MATTER WHAT. 

I share the words of this song with you today as well as a link so you can listen to it (it's totally worth listening to!).  Thank you for sharing in our journey and for loving us as we travel this new road.  We are so grateful for such support friends and especially for those fellow adoptive families who have chosen to walk beside us, teaching us all about the ins and outs of this precious subject God calls ALL BELIEVERS to participate in and with. 

We can't wait to share more pictures and details with you soon!
Ryan

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"All of Me" - Video Link; LISTEN HERE:  https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=Matt+Hammit+All+of+Me&Form=VQFRVP

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All of Me, Lyrics -

Afraid to love

Something that could break

Could I move on

If you were torn away

And I'm so close to what I can't control

I can't give you half my heart and pray he makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every fallen tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms

I won't let pain keep you from my heart

I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose

For every moment I share with you

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every fallen tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

Heaven brought us to this moment

It's too wonderful to speak

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

So let me recklessly love you

Even if I bleed

You're worth all of me

You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every fallen tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me

You're gonna have all of me

'Cause you're worth every fallen tear

You're worth facing any fear

You're gonna know all my love

Even if it's not enough

Enough to mend our broken hearts

But giving you all of me

Is where I'll start

It's where I'll start

Songwriters: BERNIE HERMS, MATT HAMMITT

© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

For non-commercial use only

When You See His Hands and Feet

2017 - A New Year is upon us, and it hardly seems possible.  I think I say that every year, but I genuinely feel that each and every time the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve, when Ellie Kate's "Month of Reckless Love" comes to an end.  I hate seeing it go - December, that is. 

This year, it was hard for me to jump into Ellie Kate's month, hard for me to get things organized, hard for me to put out our requests.  I think part of it is because we have been sharing with all of you for eleven years now.  That's a long time to be an "open book" and it's a long time to be vulnerable, opening yourself up and admitting your needs, weaknesses and troubles of this world.  This is, however what God has called us to do, to continue to do, sharing the ups and downs of people who love Jesus and also go through extreme difficulties.  Thank you all for your patience with us as we changed things up this year in celebration of Ellie's life, while also preparing our  hearts for adoption.  

Even though it felt chaotic to us, I know God has been in control.  We know this because we've literally sat back and watched God at work, forming relationships and working things out so that this little baby girl could come to be part of our family.  Not only that, He CLEARLY worked out the details for the outpouring of service during Ellie Kate's Month of Reckless Love, and more detailed items were given and shared than ever before!  Having a specific family to donate to, to provide for, has been such a joy for us to witness and I am just thrilled to fill you in on it all! 

Mike and I do so want to protect this sweet family which God has led us to "adopt" for Christmas and for Ellie Kate's Month of Reckless Love this year, so with that in mind we'll continue to keep their details private. However, I absolutely want you to know just how incredible and detailed your gifts have been and how deeply they have touched this particular family and ours as well!  I am THRILLED to tell you, because of YOU and your generosity, the following has been donated during this season (both new and used items): 

• New mattresses for mom and three children
• New bedding for mom and children
• New sheets for mom and children
• New mattress pads for all four, which is important bc they've dealt with bed bugs in their apartment complex before
• Furniture for their apartment, including a kitchen table, which they've never had before AND a gorgeous couch!
• Beautiful bed for Mom and eldest daughter (the kids have been sleeping on the floor)
• Floor lamp, rugs and home accessories
• New crock-pot
• Gift cards for groceries, clothing, restraunts, shoes, household items
• An entire Pantry-full of food and dry-goods was given including detergent
• Feminine products
• New, soft blankets for each member of the family (something they needed)
• Socks, gloves, coats, and hats for each member of the family
• Shoes for several members of the family
• Clothing was donated
• Warm Robe for mom
• Monetary gifts allowed bills to be paid, including electric bills, so that heat could stay on!  Basic needs could be taken care of because of one large financial gift. 
• A new laptop for the teenage daughter, which she can use now in high school and can take with her to college (they've had no computer access except when they go to the library)
• Games for the family to play together
• A camera and video camera for mom, which was her main wish.
• Pajamas for all family members, soaps and shampoos, razors, etc
• A few toys for the 8yo son and teenage toys for the girls, including make-up and nail polish
• Hair services for mom and daughter (they've never had this before)

More importantly, we have friends trying to help Mom get a job there in Shawnee and  we've contacted a few precious churches so that the family will be followed-up with on a regular basis. 

Our prayer is that the family will continue to see the Love of Christ in Action, through His Body, there in their town.
 Our desire is that Jesus' reckless love would capture their hearts and minds so greatly that their lives will never be the same after this "Reckless Love" experience!  

Equally as important to us has been the giving spirit you've shown towards our fellow NKH Families, in honor of our Daughter.  Each and everyone of the gifts we listed were purchased and given to the families!  Not only that, a precious Sunday School class further adopted one of the NKH families and provided incredible gifts and needs for this family who is dear to us.  

How in the world do we even BEGIN to thank those of you 

who've given to these two projects?  

How do you pour out your heart and express your thankfulness for 

something done in your dead Daughter's name, in her honor?  

There are SO many people to thank and many of them would be embarrassed at me mentioning their names. These blessed, giving hearts - many of whom have sacrificed in order to give in honor of Ellie Kate, in order to take care of the basic needs of people they don't and haven't even met!  What love and compassion must lie in the hearts of those who have given!  There are many of you who have wanted to give but just weren't financially able to.  You've come along beside us anyway, encouraging us and reaching out.  Most importantly, so many of you have prayed intensely, interceding on behalf of those God has laid on our hearts this season.  

When Mike and I married, our friend Laura Ramey sang "How Beautiful" at our wedding, which describes the Body of Christ being the hands and feet of Christ.  It was truly a prayer we shared because we wanted our marriage to be a picture of just that.  God has been gracious and because of our story and because of what we've been through, because of Ellie Kate, others have been inspired to love others with reckless abandon, giving and serving without expecting anything in return.  

I was reminded of this sweet song and although it most definitely IS "Old School", I ask that you take the time to listen to it.  I think the Lord will touch your heart, reminding you of what Jesus did for you while He was here on earth, fully in human form.  I hope it will remind you of the beauty of YOUR hands and YOUR feet as you continue to love without expectation.  

 "How Beautiful" - you tube version

A Prayer for You this New Year . . . 

We thank you for involvement in this past month in which we honor Ellie Kate!  We thank you for your continued encouragement as this time of year still has a deep sting and frosty bite.  We pray that the Father would bless you so richly this year, this 2017 - that you would know Jesus more deeply, that he would capture your heart in incredible ways; we pray that you would see, feel and hear him (even literally) in this New Year and that He alone would be glorified in that!  We pray too that this coming year will be full of sweet moments and memories with friends and family and also sweet memories with the Lord, as you open your heart to hear from Him.  

With Hope and Thanksgiving, 

Mike and Ryan

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Adoption - thank you for your precious words and encouragement as we continue the adoption journey with our Bowen Jane!  We have NO doubt that God has chosen her to be our daughter, esp after being born on Ellie's exact Heaven-Day.  There is just so much more involved within this process than we ever knew, more than I especially ever knew or understood and it's taken it's toll on us emotionally and physically.  We covet your prayers for a safe continuation of the adoption process and that all will fall into place quickly and easily.  As in times past, we will CHOOSE to trust that God has this under His control.  

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How Beautiful, Lyrics

Twila Paris

How beautiful the hands that served
the wine and the bread
and the sons of the earth.
How beautiful the feet that walked
the long dusty roads
and the hills to the cross.
How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.
How beautiful the heart that bled
that took all my sin
and bore it instead.
How beautiful the tender eyes
that chose to forgive
and never despise.
How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.
And as He laid down His life
we offer this sacrifice
that we will live just as he died:
willing to pay the price
willing to pay the price.
How beautiful the radient Bride
who waits for her Groom
with His light in her eyes.
How beautiful when humble hearts give
the fruit of pure lives
so that others may live.
How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of Christ.
How beautiful the feet that bring
the sound of good news
and the love of the King.
How beautiful the hands that serve
the wine and the bread
and the sons of the earth.
How beautiful
how beautiful
how beautiful is the body of