Warning: This is NOT a happy post, but a post to make you think and dig deep. It's a true picture of my heart, and I'm afraid it's not pretty, but rather a very messy place at this time. I promise that there is a lesson to be learned, and I assure you it comes straight from the depths of my heart.
I consider myself a "feeler"; I feel as though I am in tune with other's people's emotions and needs, even though I readily admit that I don't always follow through in loving other the way God wants me to. I am a "Mercy" person, and my heart often hurts too much for others (although I'd choose this as a fault over others for sure!). I hurt for people and I long for people to understand me and for me to understand other people.
But, what do you do (as a 'Feeler/Mercy') when your heart and your head are so mixed up that nothing makes sense? You see, I've learned that stress and grief and loss take a toll on your body. I mean, they really and truly take a toll on your body. David wasn't kidding when he spoke in the Psalms about his heart and body failing him. My heart, my body, my emotions are failing me.
For example, since Ellie's death, I have had something called Grief Eye. It's a true condition that stems from your eyes producing too many tears. It causes blurry vision and sometimes even pain in your eyes. I've had GI issues that have inflamed, and I often can't keep food down or in my body. My migraines (which I've always had) have flared to an all-time high. And my heart - well, I have severe heart palpitations and I also have been diagnosed with Hypertension (in my case, extreme high blood pressure). All of these things are because of grief. Did you know that your mind is even affected by grief? Your seratonin levels can get incredibly low; so low, that you don't understand or see the world clearly. It's not just depression. It affects the entire body, including the mind. That's how God created us. When our heart, spirit and soul are violently broken, our body responds in crazy and amazing and often devastating ways.
Hang in with me, Friends because there IS a lesson in all of this sharing of my heart. Just keep reading . . .
I had no idea how this Thanksgiving would affect me. We packed for a little family trip, and as I got out the gloves and hats, I saw Ellie's things right there with the rest of them. Oh, that sweet little hat that I had saved for Christmas last year (Hello Kitty). Why didn't I give her that little hat early? And those sweet little gloves that never stayed on her busy hands. Her coats still hang in the coat closet. I bought her a new one last year because she had grown so much. I wish she had been able to wear it more. I didn't know. We didn't know that last year would be Ellie Kate's last Thanksgiving on earth. The boys say it was the best Thanksgiving ever, and in many ways I would agree. I just wish I hadn't taken it for granted.
And as we drove to our destination several hours away, I cried almost the entire time. I cried that Ellie wasn't with us. I cried that she wouldn't get to see or play with her cousins. I cried that she wouldn't get to experience our time together surrounded by the beauty of God's creation.
During our short time away, I cried that she wasn't there. I cried in gratefulness when our family brought up her name. I took some walks, and I took a drive (which my close family will tell you is the way I deal with things when I need to get away, as I no longer can 'work out' or run it out because of my heart issues). I let my emotions get the best of me.
It just all became truly REAL. You see, God blessed us with something very bittersweet. In less than a month's time, we will celebrate and remember many things. We will celebrate Ellie Kate's birthday. We will remember that last hospital stay. We will remember the day we met with her precious doctors as we made those terribly hard decisions that no parent should have to make (not a dry eye in the room, mind you). We will remember the incredibly precious moment when all of Ellie's beloved nurses came out and cheered for her as we left the hospital one last time. We will remember the day we brought EK home on hospice. We will celebrate my sister's birthday - the very day that we will celebrate Ellie Kate meeting Jesus face to face (He was REALLY excited to welcome her home, but that's another story). We will remember them coming and wrapping her blue, lifeless body in a cold white sheet, carrying her out of the house and loading her in the vehicle. We will remember them driving our girl away from our house for the last time. We will remember the funeral preparations, the burial preparations, and even seeing her one last time at the viewing. And then there is Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then the day of Ellie Kate's Celebration of Life, then the day of the private burial. All of this in less than a month. Oh Lord, help me to accept your ways and to see your goodness in what seems so harsh!
Finally, getting to the lesson in all of this and not just the bleeding of my heart; thank you for hanging on . . .
I do not in any way share all of these things for you to feel sorry for me or for my family. With all of my heart, with all of my being, I desire for good to come from our sufferings. I desire for the world, particularly the Church as a whole, to learn to love, serve and better understand those who are truly at the bottom; those like me, who sometimes can barely find their next breath because of the pain of this life.
Right now; right in this VERY moment, think about those people around you who are hurting because of a loved one lost or because of a tragic situation; maybe that person who has been hurt so deeply by words that have been said and can't be taken back. Think of that person you run into is undergoing chemo, and is desperately wondering how they will make it through. Maybe it's the wife that's been abused or abandoned, or the tragedy that comes from tornadoes, fires, and other major life events. ALL heartache can affect your body and your soul and your spirit, but the most hurt is experienced in those who have been hurt so badly that they can't see straight.
Think about that person and GO LOVE THEM WELL. I promise you, recognizing it and saying something is better than not saying anything at all. REACH OUT and serve them by offering a meal or offering to babysit, clean their house, wrap their Christmas gifts. I'm NOT asking you to do this for us, as we are surrounded by many friends and strangers who love us well. I'm asking you to reach out to that person in your life that isn't loved well; maybe YOU haven't loved them well on purpose or out of fear. Get over that fear and love well. Do it for yourself. Do it for us. Do it in Ellie Kate's memory. Do it because God calls us to STOP what we are doing and "mourn with those who mourn, and weep with those who weep".
BOTTOM LINE: Grief and hurt run deeper than anything you could ever imagine. They affect your mind, body, soul and spirit. Use our life, use Ellie's life, as an example (or even as an epiphany or reason) to go and love well.
Desiring to See More Reckless Love,
Ryan
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