A Solemn Dance

It's a Solemn Dance,  with"Mourning" and "Thanksgiving" as the Partners.  It can be confusing, frustrating, and oftentimes, the unknown of it all can make you physically sick.  

At points, this Dance is intensely precious, passionate, and beautiful - so much so, you want to hold on each part, every picture in your mind, hoping to fully grasp the intense feelings it can bring.  You may not fully understand, but you know it is Holy and can only come from God.

This Dance - the coinciding of these intensely genuine, human emotions, awkwardly trying to find balance; giving and taking, back and forth, fighting to make something beautiful . . . 
THIS, is Suffering for the Believer.  

Thanksgiving was a sweet time of reflection and gratefulness for our family and we were blessed by the presence of Mike's Parents, Stan and Jayme.  As you may know, in October, Stan was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer, which has metasticized.  He is determined to live-out more days on earth with his family, yet the chemo and cancer have started to ravage his body - this tall, strong man who played college basketball; the Paw Paw we cheerfully call, the "Pied Piper", because the grandchildren follow him around like little ducklings.  He is kind, a gentle-giant, and it hurts our hearts to see him struggling.  What a GIFT it was to be in Stan's presence this Thanksgiving! 

Lucy and Paw Paw, 2014

Sweet Lucy slept most of Thanksgiving Day, but we did have some sweet moments when she was lucid and awake.  Her body is brutally thin, her hair starting to fall out.  She hardly has any energy at all, yet there are times when we hear her precious giggle and laughter, even in the middle of the night.  Last evening, Lucy started throwing up with each feeding, no matter how small the amount that was given.  She's been weak, pale and often trembles, but on Thanksgiving she joined us in the living room as we sat around, sharing all we were thankful for.  At the top of the list: Thanksgiving for another Holiday to spend with Stan and Lucy.  

Last evening, we had the honor of decorating Stan and Jayme's home for Christmas, which was a special request from Stan.  Tonight, we start decorating my Parent's house, mainly with Lucy in mind.  Something about the warm glow of the lights, the colors all around the house, the smells and sounds that come with it all - it brings comfort, love and a familiarity that is . . . HOME.  It's something we all want during the Holidays, especially for these family members who are suffering so in the physical realm.  I cannot wait to see Lucy's face when she sees the lights and the tree!  

Oh Lord, Why Now?  

Why would you allow all of this suffering AGAIN, 

during the same Holiday Season? 

 Isn't one time enough, 

with Ellie Kate's death, December 23rd? 

 It's been five years since we buried Our Girl and now, 

TWO more members of our family 

firmly face earthly death, 

if not for a complete miracle for God.  

My heart grows weary and cries out often. 

Oh, Ya'll!  It's hard not to despair completely, knowing these Precious Ones suffer so!  And on a MUCH-lower level, I find myself tempted to despair over my feelings of loss and heartache, as well as anticipation of what I KNOW is coming.  It's compounded by feelings of not having our own space, as we are selling our house, and continue to live with my Parents (who so graciously have allowed us here).  I long for our own space, especially this time of year, as silly as it sounds.  Admittedly, this is THE very hardest time of year for me, personally and for our family - Ellie Kate's birthday on December 4th, leading up to her Heaven Day on December 23rd, followed by the festivities of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  Of course, our Dear Bowen Jane's FIRST Birthday ALSO falls on December 23rd too.  There are many mixed emotions flooding my heart, mind and body; intense thoughts and memories.  Sometimes it feels my emotions swing like a pendolum, back and forth, from one extreme to another . . . and right now, it  compounds the feelings of knowing nothing seems to have it's place. 

When God has done SO MUCH for us, providing miracles for Our Family through precious people, many times, it is still a battle to overcome the sadness, the sorrow, and the mourning for the future and for what we know will come. 

The Holidays can be BRUTAL, 

and not just for Our Family. 

 I know so many of you are in similar circumstances, feeling similar things this Season, many fighting depression and darkness; hopelessness and despair.  

You KNOW God has been incredibly good and yet, 

at times, the circumstances surrounding you seem too heavy to bear.  

You aren't alone.  

It's during these times, I am drawn to God's Word; 

the Precious Words of Life, 

the ONLY never-changing Truths 

in this broken, scarred-filled World.

Rest in knowing you aren't alone: 

for Ages, Fellow Believers have joined us in this very longing . . . 

Romans 8:23 ,"And even we asChristians, although we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, also groan to be released from pain and suffering. We, too, wait anxiously for that day when God will give us our full rights as his children, including the new bodies he has promised us—bodies that will never be sick again and will never die".

Rest in knowing there is Purpose in Suffering:

 Romans 5:3,4  . . . "We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame".

Romans 8:17 ,"And since we are his children, we will share his treasures—for all God gives to his Son Jesus is now ours too. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering".

Rest in knowing God comforts Us in every Season:

2 Corinthians 1:3-5,"What a wonderful God we have—he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us. 5 You can be sure that the more we undergo sufferings for Christ, the more he will shower us with his comfort and encouragement . . . "

There is Purpose in EVERY 

heartache and suffering, Friend.  

For Centuries, Believers everywhere have experienced deep disapointment and loss, 

somehow intertwined with joy and thanksgiving; 

surely, we too can move forward 

in Faith as they did.  

Through every Season, even in those which seem confusing or all-too-heavy, 

HE IS OUR COMFORT.

God is with us every step of the way, 

always and forever.  

********************************************************************************
December 1st is upon us, and "Ellie Kate's Month of Reckless Love" will soon begin!  It's an entire month, Ellie's Month, dedicated to loving and serving others in reckless, unexpected, over-the-top ways.  I cannot wait for it to begin!  FIVE years - it just doesn't seem possible that we've spent FIVE Christmases without Our Eldest Daughter, our Brown-Haired-Beauty, whose green eyes glistened with every giggle.  

This year, in honor of Ellie Kate and in celebration of her month, we'll be adopting THREE Hope Link Families.  Hope Link is the Foundation (501c3) birthed in 2007, when the Lord first revealed our Pre-Destined Mission as a couple, as a family, and as individuals: loving and serving families within the medically-fragile and special needs communities; families like ours.  Hope Link seeks to serve families of children with rare, serious and undiagnosed disorders.  Several of our families have already lost children to their rare diseases and disorders as well.  It will be a JOY to bless THREE of our families with Christmas this year and I hope you make plans to participate!  

Also this year, in celebration of Ellie Kate's Fifth Heaven Anniversary, we will be fulfilling, "Ellie's Wish", which reaches to our extended NKH Family, all around the world.  Families apply for specific things their child with NKH may need and YOU will have the opportunity to help grant that wish!  "Ellie's Wish" joins NKH Crusaders in blessing and providing for these precious NKH children, and I cannot wait to see their needs met.  

Thank you in advance, 

for preparing to participate in 

Ellie Kate's Month of Reckless Love. 

 It means more than you could know, 

especially on this milestone anniversary 

of EK's Heaven Day. 

More information will soon be posted, 

and I pray you will be watching 

in excitement and anticipation, 

ready to love and serve with Ellie Kate in mind.

In Mourning and Thanksgiving, 

Ryan

A Raw Look at Reckless Love

Warning:  This is NOT a happy post, but a post to make you think and dig deep.  It's a true picture of my heart, and I'm afraid it's not pretty, but rather a very messy place at this time.  I promise that there is a lesson to be learned, and I assure you it comes straight from the depths of my heart.

I consider myself a "feeler"; I feel as though I am in tune with other's people's emotions and needs, even though I readily admit that I don't always follow through in loving other the way God wants me to.  I am a "Mercy" person, and my heart often hurts too much for others (although I'd choose this as a fault over others for sure!).  I hurt for people and I long for people to understand me and for me to understand other people.

But, what do you do (as a 'Feeler/Mercy') when your heart and your head are so mixed up that nothing makes sense?  You see, I've learned that stress and grief and loss take a toll on your body.  I mean, they really and truly take a toll on your body.  David wasn't kidding when he spoke in the Psalms about his heart and body failing him.  My heart, my body, my emotions are failing me.

For example, since Ellie's death, I have had something called Grief Eye.  It's a true condition that stems from your eyes producing too many tears.  It causes blurry vision and sometimes even pain in your eyes.  I've had GI issues that have inflamed, and I often can't keep food down or in my body.  My migraines (which I've always had) have flared to an all-time high.  And my heart - well, I have severe heart palpitations and I also have been diagnosed with Hypertension (in my case, extreme high blood pressure).  All of these things are because of grief.  Did you know that your mind is even affected by grief?  Your seratonin levels can get incredibly low; so low, that you don't understand or see the world clearly.  It's not just depression.  It affects the entire body, including the mind.  That's how God created us.  When our heart, spirit and soul are violently broken, our body responds in crazy and amazing and often devastating ways. 

Hang in with me, Friends because there IS a lesson in all of this sharing of my heart.  Just keep reading . . . 

I had no idea how this Thanksgiving would affect me.  We packed for a little family trip, and as I got out the gloves and hats, I saw Ellie's things right there with the rest of them.  Oh, that sweet little hat that I had saved for Christmas last year (Hello Kitty).  Why didn't I give her that little hat early?  And those sweet little gloves that never stayed on her busy hands.  Her coats still hang in the coat closet.  I bought her a new one last year because she had grown so much.  I wish she had been able to wear it more.  I didn't know.  We didn't know that last year would be Ellie Kate's last Thanksgiving on earth.  The boys say it was the best Thanksgiving ever, and in many ways I would agree.  I just wish I hadn't taken it for granted.

And as we drove to our destination several hours away, I cried almost the entire time.  I cried that Ellie wasn't with us.  I cried that she wouldn't get to see or play with her cousins.  I cried that she wouldn't get to experience our time together surrounded by the beauty of God's creation.  

During our short time away, I cried that she wasn't there.  I cried in gratefulness when our family brought up her name.  I took some walks, and I took a drive (which my close family will tell you is the way I deal with things when I need to get away, as I no longer can 'work out' or run it out because of my heart issues).  I let my emotions get the best of me.  

It just all became truly REAL. You see, God blessed us with something very bittersweet.  In less than a month's time, we will celebrate and remember many things.  We will celebrate Ellie Kate's birthday.  We will remember that last hospital stay.  We will remember the day we met with her precious doctors as we made those terribly hard decisions that no parent should have to make (not a dry eye in the room, mind you). We will remember the incredibly precious moment when all of Ellie's beloved nurses came out and cheered for her as we left the hospital one last time.  We will remember the day we brought EK home on hospice.  We will celebrate my sister's birthday - the very day that we will celebrate Ellie Kate meeting Jesus face to face (He was REALLY excited to welcome her home, but that's another story).  We will remember them coming and wrapping her blue, lifeless body in a cold white sheet, carrying her out of the house and loading her in the vehicle.  We will remember them driving our girl away from our house for the last time.  We will remember the funeral preparations, the burial preparations, and even seeing her one last time at the viewing.  And then there is Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then the day of Ellie Kate's Celebration of Life, then the day of the private burial.  All of this in less than a month.  Oh Lord, help me to accept your ways and to see your goodness in what seems so harsh!  

Finally, getting to the lesson in all of this and not just the bleeding of my heart; thank you for hanging on . . . 

I do not in any way share all of these things for you to feel sorry for me or for my family.  With all of my heart, with all of my being, I desire for good to come from our sufferings.  I desire for the world, particularly the Church as a whole, to learn to love, serve and better understand those who are truly at the bottom; those like me, who sometimes can barely find their next breath because of the pain of this life.

Right now; right in this VERY moment, think about those people around you who are hurting because of a loved one lost or because of a tragic situation; maybe that person who has been hurt so deeply by words that have been said and can't be taken back.  Think of that person you run into is undergoing chemo, and is desperately wondering how they will make it through.  Maybe it's the wife that's been abused or abandoned, or the tragedy that comes from tornadoes, fires, and other major life events.  ALL heartache can affect your body and your soul and your spirit, but the most hurt is experienced in those who have been hurt so badly that they can't see straight.  

Think about that person and GO LOVE THEM WELL.  I promise you, recognizing it and saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  REACH OUT and serve them by offering a meal or offering to babysit, clean their house, wrap their Christmas gifts.  I'm NOT asking you to do this for us, as we are surrounded by many friends and strangers who love us well.  I'm asking you to reach out to that person in your life that isn't loved well; maybe YOU haven't loved them well on purpose or out of fear.  Get over that fear and love well.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for us.  Do it in Ellie Kate's memory.  Do it because God calls us to STOP what we are doing and "mourn with those who mourn, and weep with those who weep".

BOTTOM LINE:  Grief and hurt run deeper than anything you could ever imagine.  They affect your mind, body, soul and spirit.  Use our life, use Ellie's life, as an example (or even as an epiphany or reason) to go and love well.  

Desiring to See More Reckless Love,
Ryan