Confessions

I have some confessions to make, Friends.  What better place to confess than on the world wide web (enter sarcasm here)?  Really though, a few things are on my heart, so bear with me as I open up and keep it real this evening . . .

I'm bummed this weekend and my heart is heavy, down-trodden, if you will.  I have a bit of a bad attitude.  I am discouraged.  Like I said, I'm keeping it real.

This weekend was supposed to be an amazing time.  Mom and I had the opportunity to go to a Women's Conference in Tulsa with a great group of ladies from my parent's church.  It is a fun group of girls that has welcomed me with open arms, and I was looking forward to spending time with them and getting a fresh Word from the Lord.  And who doesn't want to get away for a bit?!

Friday started off well, and we made it to our destination, laughing all the way.  My friend Nina and I were even able to make a Hope Link visit to a sweet boy named Joshua!  Can I tell you how much I LOVE doing those visits?  It was very sweet, and I left smiling.

As the day and evening went on, my head started hurting badly.  I'm having some blood pressure issues lately and my high BP was making me feel awful.  I did my best to focus, stay calm and keep my heart-rate low during our Conference time.  It wasn't easy though because I SO wanted to get into it!  I SO wanted to get a fresh word from the Lord.  I SO wanted to hear something life-changing, something meant completely for ME!  I really don't feel selfish in confessing that - I just was expecting something to be shared that was meant just for my heart; for a connection of some sort to be made.  I was looking forward to it.  I needed to hear something just for me.

I did walk away Friday night with something that I felt God had for me . . .

"When God says 'Go Forward!', don't even think about standing still". God has been calling me to move forward for a while.  I haven't been exactly sure what He was telling me to go forward from, but hearing this confirmed that indeed my Father wants me to move forward.  And then, God laid it on my heart what I needed to walk forward from; what I needed to leave behind.  It's sin that I've carried too long.  And just like that, God confirmed to me that I needed to walk forward and leave that sin behind.  I made a choice to do just that; walk away from my sin and lay it at His feet once and for all. 

Even with God giving me that on Friday night, I walked away tired, discouraged and feeling sick.  I am not ignorant to Satan's schemes. I know that I was under spiritual attack (as I'm sure many others were), but that was so disheartening to me. Couldn't I just have one weekend free of attacks and hardships?  Admittedly, I'm sure things seem worse to me since I don't feel well (my BP is still very high).

All weekend I was reminded of the loss of my Ellie Kate.  People we met.  Friends I ran into that follow our story.  I had jealousy and anger over a woman who shared at the conference about her grandchild with a behavior disorder.  I wish MY girls had a behavior disorder rather than being born with something terminal.  I wish my daughter wasn't dead.  I wish both of my daughters could be dancing like the little girl in the video that was shown on the big screen.  I wish my daughter was alive and was able to twirl and dance for beautiful pictures like my friends.  But, that isn't what God has chosen for me, and sometimes the realization of that is just plain hard.  

So, here I am this evening, stuck in bed because of my blood pressure, looking over my notes from the weekend.  I didn't get the major revelation that I was hoping for.  I didn't get the connection I was desperately seeking.  I didn't get to stay the entire weekend with my momma (because of being sick), as we had planned.  I'm brooding over my sin, brooding over my loss, brooding over my hurt.  That's just me being honest with you.  I have no words of wisdom or encouragement for you this weekend.  I am so sorry about that, because I truly love allowing God to breathe life into others through the words that He lays on my heart to share (believe me, it's from Him and not from me!).  Tonight, I have nothing.

Maybe this is a good thing - being at the bottom of yourself physically, mentally and spiritually.  I think that's where God wants us a lot of the time, even though it isn't a popular place to be.  It isn't a fun place to be either, but I know many of you are there tonight, just like me.

Ryan