It Hurts

This week has been one THE hardest, MOST draining, and most intense we have faced since after Ellie Kate died.  Spiritual Warfare to the max; blows that come out of nowhere and knock us to the ground.  You know, the ones that you don't know how to remedy and yet they shake your world to the core?  Yep, those.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to fix things.  I'm literally on my knees, hands up in surrender, crying out to God . . . "It hurts . . . Oh, God!  It hurts!".  I know many of you have been in the same place mentally, physically and spiritually as well.

Little Henry is having a very hard time.  I wish I could explain to you or go into all of the details, but I do want to be so careful and respectful of his privacy.  I will say that his PANDAS outbursts have been so intense this week that it's literally been out of control.  His OCD has been out of control too.  And it seems to rage inside of him and that eventually causes rage on the outside.  I have the scars to prove it.  He has broken blood vessels in his precious, beautiful face from screaming so hard for so long (which is something I've been warned about by other PANDAS parents).

We know Henry is in a flare.  He has a bad tooth that needs surgery, and I'm pretty sure that it's not just one that needs to be removed.  He's on two antibiotics for PANDAS, and I love you folks, but please don't send me any remedies for his teeth at this point (thanks in advance).  The pain he has from his teeth and the infection going on from his tooth, has intensified his PANDAS flare.  We are anxiously awaiting insurance approval and an opening from out dentist next week!  Maybe then it will all settle down???

I still feel that it's hard for others to understand Henry's behavior.  Maybe it's because it's hard for me to understand.  But I do want to clarify because I desperately want people to understand my precious son.  It's become clear that Henry's behavior lines up with that of Aspergers.  He has almost all of the traits.  Looking back, we've seen some of these behaviors from the beginning.  But of course they have truly intensified since Ellie's death, and even more so since his last bout with strep.  So, is it Aspergers?  Is it PANDAS?  We don't know.  Right now he is diagnosed with PANDAS, which does make sense.  But if you have trouble understanding Henry, maybe it will help to know that he has all of the symptoms of Aspergers.  Does that make sense?

This week has been really hard on Henry and on me and Mike as parents.  It's affecting our marriage in ways that the girls' illnesses never has.  It's affecting Conner in ways too - especially in his relationships.  And it's detrimentally affecting Henry's relationships with friends and with those in our neighborhood and even at school. Our hearts are just broken.  I'm thankful for a few friends in the neighborhood who have jumped in and protected Henry and myself and who have truly understanding hearts.  Bless them, Lord!  

I KNOW I ask for prayer so often.  I really and truly believe that it is something we are called to do as Believers - share burdens. pray specifically for one another.  It's theraputic for me to share my heart with you here as well.  So, thank you for praying specifically for Henry and for our family.  I'm asking the Lord to richly bless each of you for your faithfulness in loving and serving our family so well.  


Father, IT HURTS.  
-Ryan