My Heart Hurts

My heart hurts.  Lucy's surgery went incredibly well, and she woke up quickly from anesthesia.  I tried to focus on my Sweet Baby in pre-op and post-op, but all I could see was this . . .

All I could see was Ellie Kate in those cribs, bouncing around.  She spent so much time in these old white cribs - too much time.  A little girl shouldn't have to be bound up in a crib like Ellie Kate was on and off for all of those years.  Now - now, she is free.  She is free of the pain.  She is free of the tubes and monitors and cribs.  She is free; but I miss her more than I could ever say.  And it breaks my heart; sometimes when I'm here I can hardly breathe.  

Now I sit with Lucy, Ellie's little sister.  Will Ellie ever know how much her life has helped Lucy's?  I sit and watch Lucy scream and writhe in pain as we have trouble getting her pain under control. I rock her in those same chairs - I must have rocked a thousand miles in them. And tonight, I will make my hospital bed like I've done for over eight years now.  And I pray that the Lord will lift my spirits and lift my heart.  I know that once we are home I will feel a bit better, but I will never stop thinking of My Big Girl in those silly old cribs that were such a huge part of her life on earth.

A huge thank you to Brittany for yummy meals, to Julie for caring for our boys and loving on them recklessly, to Heather who came and sat with us during surgery even though her daughter is also in the hospital.  And a huge thank you to our nurses who make me smile as I fight back tears, the Surgeon who makes us laugh, the Attending who gives me a hug, the Pediatrician who stops by to check in and chat . . . all of you make a huge impact on us; on me.  You make this burden a little easier to bear.  

Jesus, Help My Heart - 

Ryan