A Big Confession

I have a big confession to make, and although I don't feel led to share every detail with you, I am prompted to share a few things.  It's burning on my heart, even though it is extremely difficult to share.  It's not something I would choose to tell the world, but God often asks us to do things that make us feel uncomfortable.  It's another way to trust Him, isn't it?  So, here it goes . . . 

As some of you may know, I've been dealing with health issues since sweet Ellie Kate was born over eight years ago.  Those problems have increased, and new ones have popped up, since Ellie went to be with Jesus.  I've had no doubt that the mental and spiritual have collided with the physical, causing some serious issues.

Friends, I have been depressed.  It's important for me to share that with you because I believe the Christian Community, and even the Church as a whole, often overlooks depression.  It's not seen as a true sickness in many places.  Often times it is dismissed or even worse, people struggling with depression are told that they just aren't strong enough, that they should be able to rise above because of their faith.  Others are told that if they would just work hard enough, distract themselves enough, get into the Word enough, the depression would subside.  I'm here to tell you that often is NOT the case.

And while it may not surprise you that I've been depressed (I'm sure those close to me have seen signs for a while), it may catch you off guard to know that I have been severely depressed.  There are many reasons for this severe depression, for this downfall.  Some contributors would be medications I've been trying for my heart and for my migraines (have you seen the list of some of those side-effects on the commercials?!).  However, I fully believe that even though there has been a chemical reason for this darkness and despair, I believe it's unveiled the fact that I am hurting and I can't deal with it on my own any longer.

So, I've been making some big life changes.  With the help of family and several professionals, I've been able to focus on myself.  I used to think that was a bad thing, so I would stay incredibly busy helping others.  I would hide and avoid my sadness, thoughts and depression by loving on others and serving, staying TOO busy.  This meant neglecting myself and often-times neglecting my family, and ultimately my Father-God.  This is NOT how Jesus wants me to live my life.  He does NOT want me to stay too busy.  He does NOT want me to avoid the pain, the thoughts, the sadness that I feel.  He wants me to address it and learn to cope with it.

I'm learning, with intense training.  I'm learning that I have to be healthy mentally, physically and spiritually in order to be all that I want to be - all that I can be.  And this means changing some things in my life.  Right now, that looks like taking a step back socially, using my energy to focus on my relationship with Jesus, with my family and even with myself.  I've set limits on my Facebook presence.  I've set limit on my emails, on my Plexus business, even on the Blog.  I've set limits on my involvement with Hope Link and with social activities.  And you know what?  It has been SO FREEING!!

You see, Jesus doesn't want us running around like a chicken with our head cut-off.  He doesn't want us running from person to person without a break, trying to serve those we think we are called to serve.  First and foremost, we are called to serve Jesus, and learn to know Him more.  Then we are called to love and serve our families.  We are also called to take care of ourselves (I've been forgetting that part!).  Then, we are called to love and serve those around us.  Sounds so simple and easy to understand, and yet I was missing it all, trying to stay busy and avoiding my feelings of hurt and loss over my Beloved Daughter.

Now, I am healing.  I am holding tight to my family and learning how to better care for myself.  I'm getting my priorities straight and finally facing the feelings I've had over Ellie's death, over the devastation of NKH, over the sickness of Lucy, and all that has come with it in our lives.  It's been amazing so far, and it's just the beginning!

If I post less-often, if I'm not on Facebook much, if I don't return your email, call or text, know that it's because I'm trying to get my priorities straight.  That includes cutting out stressors of all kinds.



My hope in sharing this reality is that you will know these things . . . 

1. Believers DO suffer from depression, and sometimes it's a deep, blinding depression
2. Depression doesn't mean that you don't have enough faith or that you aren't trusting Jesus enough.  It's a true illness, and is something that needs to be addressed.
3. It's important for us, as Believers, to get our priorities straight.  We must cut out things that add stress to our lives.  We must push into the Father, and recognize the things that He truly is calling us to do.  
4. We can't avoid our troubles, our hurts, our disapointments by staying busy.  I promise, it WILL catch up with you.  Seek help and slow down.  
5. Taking care of ourselves is NOT a selfish thing when we do it in a balanced way.  We must take time and make time for ourselves so that we can be all that God wants us to be to our families and to the World!

I hope you find some encouragement in this, Dear Ones.  I hope that this admission of mine sheds light on depression and on those that might be hurting around you.  I pray that God uses this to bring freedom to your heart, to your mind.  I pray too that it inspires you to seek out help, if that is something that you need.  

Thank you for listening and thank you for your continued prayers!!

Ryan