Tired of Struggling

Remember my last post and the prophetic verse that God so sweetly sent for me to literally wear around my neck?  I've been doing so, as a reminder of His faithfulness.  How timely that gift was and yet, even when the Lord so CLEARLY spoke to me, I'm having to CHOOSE to believe what He has told me.  That's where I am.  Ya'll, I am choosing because I sure don't feel it right now.  

James 1:12

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

I have to tell you, more than once this week, I have told the Lord that I don't need or want a crown in Heaven.  Crowns don't matter to me now, and I don't really think they will matter to me then, when I'm in the presence of the Living God. I'm pretty sure everything else will fall to the wayside when that happens, and I won't be thinking about crowns and accolades.  

Instead, I'd like a break in the heartache and trials, and that's what I've told the Lord.  I'm just being honest.  I need a break from the bad news, from the reminders of unimaginable loss, from sickness, from the world of medical issues. I need a break from flares and tantrums and from OCD attacks.   I'm tired of the limitations that face our family, including financial limitations that seem to NEVER end. 

My heart is heavy for my friends facing death anniversaries.  My heart is heavy for my son who can't control his body or behavior.  My heart is heavy for my son who doesn't get the attention that he needs because his two parents are so often having to emergently focus on his siblings.  My heart is heavy for my daughter - as I was decorating Ellie's Spot today and I had Lucy there with me, I was shockingly reminded that someday her little body will be lying right there as well, and I will visit them both.  That makes me hurt for Lucy, knowing that she will suffer on this earth.  My heart hurts for my Husband, who didn't sign up for such a wild ride when he married me.  I hurt that he keeps going higher and higher in his career and yet we STILL struggle to pay old medical bills that hold us back from so many things.  How heavy that must way on HIM as a man and as a provider!  

I don't often hurt for myself or allow myself to sit and think about sad things.  You can't do that, really - if you did then you would be depressed all of the time, and no one should live life that way.  God doesn't want us to live depressed all of the time, as His desire is for us to live abundantly here on earth.  He wants us to have joy, giving it all to Him, trusting Him with every joy and every pain. He hurts knowing WE hurt.  I KNOW that in my head, and even in my heart (really I do, so you don't need to email me and remind me:)).  God does love me and He does good and IS good.  I KNOW this.  I just don't FEEL this right now.  

Being transparent with you isn't always easy, and even though my heart is overflowing with pain today, my first thought wasn't to jump on here and tell the world.  HOWEVER, I believe God wants me to, even though I'm not exactly sure why.  I want you to know that it's okay NOT to be okay. It doesn't mean that you love Jesus less and it doesn't mean that HE loves you less either.  HIS LOVE FOR YOU NEVER CHANGES, even if yours does!  That, My Friend, is the truth of the Gospel.  

What do you do when you are hurting for yourself and more importantly, hurting for those that you love?  

• First of all, cast your cares on Him - lay them at His feet (1 Peter 5:7).  He wants to carry them and take over so that you don't have to worry.  He will give you the tools to work through it and get through it.  Even when it doesn't feel like it, just CHOOSE to give it to Him.  And remember, chances are that you are making things heavier than they need to be. 
• It's okay to feel "down" and it's okay to let yourself have those feelings.  He will also use ALL HURTS for His glory - good hurts, bad hurts, ones I've inflicted on myself, those inflicted by others, etc.  Although I have a tug pulling me to jump in the car and take our family far away to start a new life and new adventure, I know that isn't what the Lord is telling us right now.  So for now, I will stay put and love my family and let myself be sad - especially when mourning losses.  It's okay and I'm giving myself grace to do it until the Lord tells me not to.  
• Make some choices, even when your feelings don't follow suit.  As I've mentioned, I'm making some choices as well - I'm choosing to trust that God will use this hurt to make me more like Him and more importantly, is knowing that God will use this hurt to make those I love more like Him.
• When you are down, it's also really good to ask the Lord to lift your spirits.  I've been asking Him to do that in a BIG way.  I NEED to see God move FOR me in a big way.  I'm begging Him, and you can too.  He WILL move - I just don't know when.  I'm asking the Father to meet me in an intimate, sweet, thoughtful way like a Daddy with His daughter.  I'm longing to hear from Him that way and to see His goodness from that perspective.  You can do this too!
• As a Believer, it's impossible to get through a low times without communicating with the Lord.  It's easy to make it a one-way communication relationship during the rough patches, but don't let that be the case (clears throat; speaking to myself now, obviously).  Press in.  Cry out to Him.  Hold up empty hands, which is exaclty what I have physically done today.  When we seek Jesus in these times, He WILL meet us and He will meet our needs.  He will give us joy once again and breathe life into our spirits.  I'm asking God to do that for YOU as well as for me!  

Today, I am tired of struggling.  I'm tired of needing so much help from other people. I'm angry from working and seeing very little, what feels like fruitless results in many areas of our life as a family. I'm frustrated that things aren't getting better as quickly as I have hoped and I know there are many of you out there who feel the exact same way.  

We may have drastically different circumstances, but our weariness can absolutely be very similar!  TAKE HEART, as you are NOT alone, Dear Friend.  You and I are in this together - we all are as Believers and one day, we will overcome it all by The Blood of the Lamb.  Until then, may we recklessly love and serve one another, staying open with our hurts, heartaches and even needs.  I'm asking the Lord to meet you in an intimate way and to show you too that He is WITH you and that He is FOR you.  

Wearily,

Ryan
PS: I have no idea what funky thing is going on in with the white background on the blog, so try to ignore it:)