The Spoiled Child

Hi.  My name is Ryan Elizabeth Tully McLaughlin, and I have been acting like a spoiled child.  There, I said it. And the worst part folks, is that it's true.

You see, God has been incredibly good to me.  He's been good to my family.  The things He's done for us - well, they don't just happen, people.  I mean really, Mike winning a car after his was stolen a few years ago? Mike and I being sent on a trip to Mexico (without paying a thing), just because? Those things don't just happen, and I know that.  I hesitate calling them "blessings", because some may think that means we've earned those things, or that God loves us more, or that we've been so awesome that we've made those things happen, so to speak.  Totally not the case, I assure you.  It's just God's mercy.

It's not often that I get "down" for days at a time.  The last time that happened was when Ellie Kate died and a part of me died too.  But this week, that "down" feeling, that depression, that anger has not only crept in - it's run into my life, my heart, flags-a-flying.  I'm sad to say that I've given into that and I've hurt those I love along the way.

I'm not sure what sparked it all.  I'm just plain weary, and I say that knowing that I am not the only one out there (including in the world of Believers) who is down, out, sad, angry, and weary.  I am WEAR.Y.  Weary.  Worn.  Tired.  We've been on this ride for over eight years now, and that's one long fight (and many of you have been fighting even longer - God bless!).  Eight years is a freaking long time, ya'll!

Here's what I mean . . . on a daily basis, I do the regular things like keep our home clean, try to keep up with laundry, try to keep our fridge stocked (not up to my restaurant-owner-friend Nina, but good enough; maybe).  I try to keep homework going, get the kids dressed half-way acceptably and to school on time, and all of the other things that go along with being a typical mom (and I have a lot of help from our nurses who go above and beyond).

Then there's all the stuff that goes along with being a special-needs mom and living in that world.  On a DAILY basis, I am contacting nurses, nursing agencies, therapists and their offices, pharmacies and their pharmacists, doctor offices and all that comes along with that.  I also am in touch with insurance agencies, the state's early intervention programs, the companies that provide our home health supplies, the companies that supply Lucy's equipment.

Everyday, I fight for my daughter.  Everyday I push so that she receives what I feel that she needs.  Everyday I am her voice because she literally cannot speak for herself.  I am her advocate and I fight for her care every moment of the day, and her well-being is continually on my mind.

And then there is my precious Hope Link mommas and their struggles and my NKH Family and their struggles. And my friends struggling with cancer (Jenni!), and friends struggling financially. All of these trials I take on personally because I LOVE these people and they are truly my family.  It's a privilege to love them, to hurt for them and to pray for them and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Lastly, and most close to my heart other than Lucy's care, I mourn the loss of my daughter.  Every day I am reminded that Ellie Kate isn't here.  Every day I see her bus and picture her on it.  Everyday I touch her clothes (In fact, I sleep with one of her favorite shirts).  Everyday I wonder what she would look like.  On holidays especially, I wonder what I would have been dressing her up in (surely some giant hair bow and some monogrammed clothes).  Sometimes I think I hear her scooting across the floor.  Sometimes I accidentally call Lucy "Ellie" (many people do this, and it's endearing).  Everyday it hurts even though I know where she is.

Add it all up and, well . . . sometimes it isn't so happy.  Sometimes I am struck with the fact that my life is hard and it isn't going to change anytime soon.  Sometimes it isn't so easy to "rise above" to focus on "things above" to remember that "God is good".  When you are smacked in the face with reality, it knocks you down.  And that is where I am this week.

I'm acting like a spoiled child because I know the character of My Savior.  I've seen Him provide above and beyond over and over and over and over again.  I've seen him meet me in my dreams and in His Word.  And still, I'm stomping my feet.  

• I want my daughter to be healthy.  
• I want Ellie Kate to be here on earth.  
• I want Ellie and Lucy to be able to go to the Daddy Daughter Dance that so many of your sweet girls went to. 
•  I want my Daughter to go to dance class and actually be able to participate in a typical way. 
•  I want to be potty-training my daughter rather than trying to figure out how to order bigger cloth diapers and a carrier that will help me carry her around the house for years to come. 
•  I want to be there for my boys.  
• I want to volunteer at their school.  
• I want to be present there like the other moms, maybe even substitute. 
•  I want to take them to the batting cages, or get them more involved in sports with us taking them to practice and games.  
• I want them to be more involved in church and get to go to all of the activities that go along with that.  
• I want a pool.  
• I want a car that isn't beat up (who dreams of handicap-accessible van, btw?). 
•  I want to be out of debt (including medical debt). 
•  I want time with my husband and time alone with my husband.  I want to be able to work out on a regular basis. 
•  I'd like to consistently go to Bible Study. 
•  I want a storm shelter! 

But alas, this isn't what God wants for us right now.  And, did you notice something about that list of mine?  It's selfish.  Nothing on there is bad or harmful.  It's full of GOOD things.  But, it's selfish nonetheless.  The main theme is "I want".  But see, this life isn't about what I want.  It just isn't.  As a Believer, as one who has asked Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior, I am called to die to my self.  That means dying to these things I want; it means giving them up to the Lord and letting Him do what He wants to do, when He wants to do it.

The trials of this life are only for a little while.  As one who has accepted Jesus and depends upon Him for my salvation, I know that this life is but a vapor (James 4:14).  My life in eternity is the best part, and I have that hope!

I think that God knew that I wouldn't just choose to die to myself.  He had to give me a life where I HAD to die to myself constantly.  I'm grateful for that, and for today, I am choosing to walk in gratefulness rather than dragging my heels like the spoiled child I have been lately.  How thankful I am for a Father who loves me even when I stomp my feet.  How thankful I am for a Husband who continually loves me and blesses me, even when I act terribly.  How thankful I am for parents that continually help and serve me, even when I act like a brat.  And, how very grateful I am for the promise of a new eternal life that I have in Christ Jesus!

Choosing not to be spoiled!
Ryan

• Please continue to pray for my friend Jenni and her family as she continues to deal with her stage four cancer
• Please pray for my dear friend's husband, Bill Archibald.  Bill and Kristin are fellow NKH parents, and Bill is having terrible complications from a major surgery he recently had.  He is a precious man who needs our prayers!