Homegoing

 

Oh, the Holidays, this time of year, bring about countless emotions.  These emotions, thoughts and feelings run close to the surface at times, they show the good, the bad and the ugly – at least in me, as a mom.  I can only begin to imagine how my children must carry things; I know their emotions, memories, feelings lie close to the surface as well and I so want to give them space to feel in a healthy way.  One foot in front of the other.  One moment at a time.  As my Dear Mother reminds me, these are the magical years and I have the opportunity and privilege to make it special for my family, for my children – I’m determined to do that, even in my own chaos. 

 

December 4^th would have been Ellie Kate’s 18^th bday, but she is forever seven years old.  In a few days, on December 23^rd, we will celebrate Ellie’s Homegoing Day, the day she took her last breath on earth and her first breath in Heaven.  On that same day, during those same hours, we celebrate the birth of my little sister; we also celebrate the seventh birthday of our Beloved Bowen Jane, our gift of redemption, HOPE, joy and so much more.  How do you tie it all together?  How do you make it all make sense?  How should emotions, thoughts, feelings, memories, heartache, heart-joys all align????  How do you assist your children as they process those things?  How do you remind your precious, chosen Daughter, what a blessing she is, what hope and joy she brings, dreams she fulfills during a time she will always know we are mourning????  How do you do that?  How do I do that, as the mom, the one who is supposed to hold it together?

There are some traditions we’ve easily slipped into, like Bowie helping me decorate Ellie Kate’s Christmas tree, which hails brightly in our living room.  I hope this will be a tradition we hold dear and pass down for generations.  Each year, we seem to add more things – traditions which bring us more joy and keep us busier. Things like waiting to purchase most of our gifts until December 22^nd and 23^rd – we take Bowen out to help purchase Christmas gifts for the family, and she absolutely loves the two on one attention she receives on her special day!  We usually include lunch of her choosing, grab a hot chocolate and end the day wrapping gifts with Lucy (which happens to be Bow’s favorite part).  

Long gone are the days of pre-purchasing gifts, planning well in advanced, wrapping weeks in advance, having gifts slowly stack up under the tree in expectation of the big day.  Now, it’s more of a “survival mode”, at least for me, although I try not to let the kids in on that part of it all.  I hope it just feels more spontaneous, less planned-out, more exciting and fun, extra child-like, if you will.  I pray it will always be special and that precious memories are made. 

 

Advent is also something we are learning to fully celebrate and understand here in our home.  Playing traditional Christmas carols, hymns and songs, teaching the truth  about Christ coming to earth as a tiny, vulnerable babe.  The miracle and complexity of it all . . . it hits me differently every year; some part of the Truth and Mystery of it unfolds fresh and anew in my heart and mind, which I am eternally grateful for.  Is it the same for you?  I want it to be the same for my own family, for our children, to be able to look past our own tragedies and look toward (and forward to) THE Light of the World. 

My Precious Ellie Kate, with her beautiful, soft curls and tender, baby-like skin . . . that devious giggle we miss so much, and those “pat-pats” from our original Wildcat-girl.  While on earth, she was strong and brave and silly and goofy and GORGEOUS.  Yes, she was the most beautiful Ellie Kate of all time, and she was my daughter; she IS my daughter, and I adore her.  

It’s been eleven years and memories start to fade, pictures in my mind have started to shine a little less, and I am so devastated by it.  I long to remember how Ellie smelled, how it felt to kiss her earlobe (something I frequently did), even the heaviness of carrying her on my hip.  I miss the smell of her freshly-washed hair (I washed it everyday) and I hate that one of my last memories is touching those soft curls – but they no longer smelled sweet – they smelled of formaldehyde and that is devastating to me.  I miss dressing her and helping her get on the bus for school.  I miss hearing her make Henry mad, I miss hearing the sound of her knees sliding across the tile floor as she “hopped” around the house, so independent.  

I once told Ellie that she was my best friend, and it’s true – she was so dear to my heart, a part of me.  Ellie Kate is forever, always, a part of me, and she will be until I am reunited with her again in Eternity. 

I am so thankful for the Light of this Season and for the promises Christmas brings.  I am thankful for the HOPE of Christmas – the hope Jesus brings through His lineage, His birth, His life, His death, His resurrection.  HOPE.  I’m clinging to it this season, and I pray you will too.  If you'd like to watch Ellie Kate's Homegoing Celebration, please do so by going clicking HERE. 

 

Ryan