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Gorgeous views on Bowen's Birthday, reminding me of Ellie in Heaven!
The Holiday Season is coming to an end. Twinkling lights, vibrant colors and stunning Christmas carols surrounding us as we are out and about, are all being put away. It makes me sad. I want to hold on to this Season just a bit longer. It's Ellie Kate's Season, the time of her birth and her death, and all of the lights, colors and music remind me of my Precious Daughter. I miss her. I miss everything about her.
It's been six years since Ellie Kate took her last breath on earth - writing that even brings a heaviness to my chest. Some would think I would be much more "over it" by now, but I assure you, I will never be "over" my Daughter's earthly death. I will always miss the sound of her voice, although she did not speak. I will always miss the way she entered a room, although she did not walk. I will always miss the way she miraculously breastfed as a baby, then ate by mouth for a year before needing a feeding tube; to this day, it is difficult to set and gather around our dinner table because the obviousness that Ellie isn't there. In our Family, someone is always missing.
“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.”
― A Grief Observed
I've come to see the last six years very much as I see the Advent song, "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel" (which has been my very favorite Christmas song for as long as I can remember). I feel the longing in the lyrics. The melodies groan within me as a people groan for freedom and redemption. I see myself as a Hebrew, waiting for God to deliver me from Egypt. I see myself as a Hebrew, waiting for God to deliver me from the Wilderness. I see myself as a Hebrew, waiting for God to bring my Savior. My Savior HAS come to Earth and I relish in that incredible, undeserving Gift. I've accepted His gift of Eternal Life and yet as Believers, we still call upon Emmanuel - we still long for Him to move in our lives. For me personally, I've longed for Him to move us out of certain Seasons (seasons of death, seasons of constant need, seasons of fear, etc). I've been in this waiting period for a very long time. In fact, I vividly remember singing this song when Ellie was first on the ventilator, just a few days old. It's a desperate cry to the Almighty and I know that cry very well.
“Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?”
― A Grief Observed
“For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time.”
― A Grief Observed
This year, for some reason, God has changed my heart-song for this season. I'm in awe of this change really, and wondered what God might be doing by changing my heart, moving it on from, "Oh Come, Oh Come, Emmanuel" to, "Oh Holy Night". A Dear Friend of mine has also been moved by this glorious hymn over Christmas, although the Lord has used in to move us both in very different, beautiful ways. He's good and creative like that.
"A Thrill of Hope . . . " these are the words which God has sweetly placed in my Soul this Season and as we begin 2019. I jump in excitedly, EXPECTANTLY, now not only for my Emmanuel to come, to step in, to deliver and make things right - but because I am HOPEFUL and thrilled for all God WILL DO through our weary hearts, minds and bodies.
"A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn;
Chorus
Fall on your knees, Oh hear the angel voices!
O night divine! O night when Christ was born.
O night, O holy night, O night divine". . .
HOPE - for what is to come, because of what has been.
A GLORIOUS new dawn is seen on the horizon.
The Divine Movement of Father, Son and Spirit
is worth falling on our knees for!
HOPE. I speak of it often, mostly in reference to Hope Link. What does it mean to me today, in this Season, in the now? HOPE - to me, for this New Year, it means NEW LIFE, goodness, joy; the thick, loving and happy presence of God. HOPE means GOD is moving me (us) on, moving forward, out of the marsh and muck and onto solid ground. I see it as a season of safety and light. Merriam Webster definition of HOPE
Job 8:11-13 (NLB), "those who forget God have no hope. They are like rushes without any mire to grow in; or grass without water to keep it alive. Suddenly it begins to wither, even before it is cut".
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Seeing this Christmas Season through, "A Thrill of Hope has been fragile, but sweet. Sometimes, it's hard to let yourself "hope"; I'm sure many of you know what I am talking about. This Christmas, as in the last six, I've clung to Jesus like my toddler clings to her daddy when she's really scared, crying-out for him, even in her sleep. He IS faithful. He IS true. HE is the ONLY way I make it through this life of unexpected things, and HE wants to be there with you, too.
Jesus is God's gift to us, fully-God and fully-Man, He lived in human form, experiencing everything we do - hunger, thirst, anger, fear; He longed for friends on earth and called out to His own Father, clinging to Him when He needed Divine wisdom and help. He lived a perfect life, for you and for me. He gave His life, for you and for me. He died a criminal's death, a horrific death and torture, then was buried, as a human. His earthly body died. God the Father breathed new life into Jesus, and He came alive again, proving forever and always that God Our Father has POWER over DEATH!
Romans 1:17 Living Bible (TLB)
17 This Good News tells us that God makes us ready for heaven—makes us right in God’s sight—when we put our faith and trust in Christ to save us. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith.[a] As the Scripture says it, “The man who finds life will find it through trusting God.”*
Precious Friend, I want you to know about this New Life offered through Jesus Christ - Abundant Life here on earth and Eternal Life after death! Your life can count for eternity. When you accept Him as Savior, He promises to never leave you nor forsake you. You will NEVER be alone, on your own. He doesn't promise a life without problems, without loss, but He DOES promise to be with you, every step of the way. I personally couldn't possibly get through one day of NKH, one day of PANDAS, one day of child-loss without having Jesus Christ to carry my burden. Because of Him, I have HOPE. He placed Hope within me, an expectant joy for how He will move in and through me. And, because of my personal relationship with Christ, I have the assurance that I will be with Ellie Kate for eternity! I want you to have that assurance, especially going into the New Year. You can start 2019 off being REDEEMED, renewed and restored - there are no magic words or prayers to pray; just share your heart and give Him your everything.
With a Thrill of Hope,
Ryan
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Oh, Father! I am yours. Everything I have, everything I love, I lay before you. I give you all of my dreams, my desires, my wants. I give you my thoughts and longings, my fears and failures. Truly, I am nothing without you.
YOU, Emmanuel, the Great I AM, God With Us. YOU are EVERYTHING, you've created all things for your glory and for some reason, you were thinking of us when you created it all! For OUR good and for YOUR glory - why are you so overwhelmingly generous?!? I am so unworthy of the blessings and redemption you've bestowed.
You have rescued me from the Valley of the Shadow of Death. You continue to rescue and relieve me from despair. You carry my burden and provide for my needs, above and beyond what I could ever hope or imagine!
THANK YOU for giving me a new song, literally. A THRILL OF HOPE - I am entering this New Year with thrill and excitement, knowing you are with me; you light my path. Oh, Father! I need you for every breath, every thought, every decision.
I choose to put my trust and hope in you, Creator of All Things, the Protector of my Soul. Everything I have is yours - my marriage, my children, my talents, my gifts, my earthly possessions; use it for your glory in 2019, Blessed Lord. I lay it at your feet.
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