Heartcry - I Don't Have It Figured Out

Literally, I have started and stopped this blog about ten times  So much to update you on since my last, long-ago post and so much share from what God is teaching me, and though it's the heartache part of it all which I don't want to bog you down with, I know in my heart I need to share where we are in a short, simple way (at least to the best of my ability).  It needs to be said and read and heard because WE are not the only ones going through such difficult, hard to understand things.  So, WARNING:  this will be an honest and brutal pen; a raw, post, to say the least.  I hope you can bear with me . . .

I wish I could tell you that we had it all figured out - for Lucy, for Henry, for the finalization of Bowen's adoption, but I can't.  We are struggling, more than ever before, and there are many feelings which have risen up with that that and really, I don't understand.

• WHY, after 11yrs within the special needs and medically fragile community, has it not changed?  WHY doesn't it get better?  WHY does it continue to get worse?  
• WHAT can we do to make things better for our family - to start new and fresh?  
• WHAT's the next move for Henry's treatment and how the heck do we get there?  
• HOW do we comfort and treat Lucy Belle?  
• HOWdo we continue to love Our Conner Michael well?  
• HOW do we survive this as a family because it's getting harder and harder to do.  

There are even more complicated questions too, such as have we not heard from nor seen dear friends, those we've walked through fire with, because they are tired of us?  Do once former friends and mentors now heavily sigh when they hear of our struggles because of the length of it all?  Is it "too much" to be our friends or to walk alongside us (I most certainly could understand)?  Do they question the decisions we've made or what we say on social media?  Is that the cause of the silence and what seems like abandonment in many ways?  

And, where is God in all of this?  

We have NO idea why things have AND haven't changed, despite our best efforts, despite our faith, despite our outcries, despite our research.  Why do things seem to get worse for Lucy and especially, why do they get worse for Henry when he is the child God so sweetly promised to me?  

We are desperate for God to start us fresh and new and we want big-time details and directions which can only come from God,  Will you heal us?  Will you start us fresh in every way?

Father, what's stopping us from moving forward to something BETTER or EVEN just something as easily as hard?  Different.  Just something different - something we are all longing for.   And really, Lord, WHY can't we get there - to that brand new start?  It doesn't have to be perfect; this life is so heavy and we need a break and to see YOUR face!  

The gift of relief, of joy, happiness, newness, renewal, provision and more . . . Lord, why not us?  Even Job was given a new start as well as King David, and though we are far from their level, couldn't we also be given the slightest of clean starts with our home, environment, treatment and more?  

Isn't 11 years enough?

I've related so much to Job recently (and have learned a ton from his story as well - hopefully, to post soon), and I'm infinitely grateful to know that my FAITH has NOTHING to do with the circumstances I am in nor the evils which come my way.  

Job 7:11English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;

I actually like the “realness” of The Message version even better . . .

Job 7:11The Message (MSG)

¹¹“And so I’m not keeping one bit of this quiet"

When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
    my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
    and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
    and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
    Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
    and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
    and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
    nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
    Why have you made me your mark?
    Why have I become a burden to you?

Job too, the man of God that he was, 
also lamented, and did so in very outward, public ways.  
This is why I no longer cringe at the thought of sharing the heartache of a special-needs or medically-fragile life.  

If a man whom God deemed to be faithful and righteous can lament over the losses suffered likely over several months, then why can't I lament as well?

I'm having to choose, admittedly many times not-so-willingly, 

to do the following . . . 

• Trust God as we start palliative care for Lucy Belle and seek help in her treatment
• Trust God as we seek out of state PANDAS help for Henry
• Trust God for provision of that help for Henry
• Trust God to keep Conner safe and secure, living the most "normal" life as possible
• Trust God to heal our family from the many heartaches we've faced
• Trust God to bring respite and relief; a new start - a desire He's placed in the hearts of us all.  

Job 19:28 ESV

Job’s words . . .

Behold, I cry out, ‘Violence!’ but I am not answered;

But even in ALL of these things, Job ends this chapter like THIS:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,

Job knew that His Helper, the One in Control of ALL THINGS, was indeed in control, despite the circumstances and despite how he may have felt at the time.  

He knows too that in the end, once this earthly suffering DOES indeed end

and on the day of that suffering-ending,

Job’s eyes would then behold the ONE –

THE One He had dedicated His life to and all that He had.

Father, may I get to the place where Job was.  May we make it through as Job did.  May you restore us and redeem to us all that was lost, just like Job. 
 You alone are our only hope.