. . . and then she was FIVE

Lucy turned FIVE today.  I don't really know how that's possible and I wasn't really prepared for the flood of mixed emotions that hit my heart today, as precious memories of both Girls came to mind.  FIVE - it's a huge milestone for Lucy, and I remember well celebrating Ellie Kate's fifth birthday . . . wasn't that just a couple of years ago?  How is it that time crawls by and goes at lightening speed, all at the same time?!

Ellie Kate, 2005

Lucy Belle, 2011

It hit me today - Ellie Kate was five when Lucy was born.  That seems unreal to me!  Once Ellie turned five years old, we barely had two additional years with her.  Lucy is now only two years away from the age Ellie Kate was when she left this earth and ran into the arms of Jesus.  It's sobering and confusing and gut-wrenching; it's a roller-coaster of emotion in every possible way, bringing up fears and questions and doubts.  

Ellie Kate, age 4

Lucy Belle, age 4

Ellie Kate, 2006

Lucy Belle, 2011

It's a step of faith - loving someone in a fragile state because there is so much at stake.  There is so much on the line for oneself, for one's well-being, but true love doesn't think of oneself, does it?   True love puts another person above your own desires and feelings, in every possible way, and Jesus is the perfect example of that. God the Father knew, when He sent Jesus to earth, that His only Son would one day die a terrible, painful, earthly death.  He knew it and He continued to love Him like only a perfect Father can, providing His every need and being there at all times.  As Believers, we die to ourselves and as parents, we love recklessly with every fiber of our beings, no matter the consequence, no matter how much it may hurt.  And that is how we will continue to love Lucy, just as we loved her Big Sister.

Ellie Kate, age Five

Lucy Belle, age Five

Our Sweet, "Beautiful Light".  Our unexpected Baby, our Lucy Belle McLaughlin.  She has brought so much joy, so much hope, so much laughter.  God has given us the gift of  enjoying life through death, because of Lucy.  His ways are ALWAYS higher.  His plans are ALWAYS better than what we could ever hope or dream-up on our own!  I'm so grateful that the Lord created Lucy and gave her to us at the absolute perfect time for Ellie Kate, for me, for Mike, for Conner, and for Henry.  God gives GOOD and perfect gifts, and that is exactly what we have in Miss Lucy.

Oh, Father! Thank you for the precious, priceless gift of our Lucy.  I can never express my gratefulness for her Little Life!  Thank you for giving Lucy to us at the perfect time and thank you for granting us dreams better than we could ever hope for!  Thank you for healing my heart through Lucy Belle.  Thank you for the precious gift of Ellie Kate and Lucy being so close in appearance and mannerisms and for daily reminding us of how richly you truly have blessed us.  May we never forget your goodness, your kindness and your faithfulness to our Family.  We are so unworthy, Father.  We give you Lucy and ask that you continue to orchestrate her life according to your plans.  

Lucy, 2 Months

Lucy, One Year

Lucy, Two Years

Lucy, Three Years

Lucy, Four Years 

Lucy, Five Years

The Learning Curve - It's All About Grace

The past few months, I've been on a personal learning curve.  This Learning Curve has played-out in every aspect of my own life as we've been surrounded by change.  Many things are reminders of what I've learned in the past three years since Ellie Kate passed away, but many things are NEW.  All experiences and epiphanies make us grow and help us change into better human beings, better Believers, better parents . . .  BETTER. 

Here are some ways God has been teaching me and how

He's been stretching me to trust Him more:

• It's okay to still mourn my Daughter, Ellie Kate.  It hasn't been too long - it will NEVER be "too long".  It's also okay for some days, to feel the same initial pain as I did in the beginning. It's OKAY. 
• It's okay for me to take time for myself and to do the things I enjoy - walking in nature, exercising, random little day-trips with my family.  These are GOOD things to do and it's okay to drop things and take care of myself and my family in this way. 
• It's okay to let other's down (this is a HUGE one for me).  I can't always make everyone happy all-the-time.  Whether it's forgetting play dates or missing a thank you note/email, I must give myself freedom NOT to be perfect.  I can trust that the LORD meets all of the needs of my Friends. 
• It's okay to still mourn the "normal"- tight friendships we once had or dreams God still has placed deep within our hearts.  What HE wants is for us to stick close to HIM. 
• It's okay for me to think of Ellie Kate every time I see Lucy.  God has allowed it to be that way, and I will choose to rest in that sweetness, even though it sometimes stings my heart. 
• The Father has "fearfully and wonderfully made" ALL of our children, and HE alone knows the ins and outs of their minds, bodies and spirits.  We will cling to this Truth, knowing that somehow, someway, God will use all of these things for the good of our children AND for our good as the Parents!  Most importantly, God will use all of these things to show His Glory!
• It's okay for me to still wonder how we will pay for things; you know, to DOUBT - how we will cover medical bills that have come up this year for ALL of us, etc?  God has reminded me that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and He will surely take care of me!  He takes care of the mere sparrow, providing every need; He will surely take care of everyone of OUR needs! Read about it here: My Provider (Psalm 50:10); Do Not Worry (Luke 22:24-32)
• I'm learning to accept - the Special-Needs life often means, what might be normal and expected in the Typical World, isn't what's expected in the world of special-needs.  This is truly hard to accept; it's hard for me to trust God to show the people around me how to love me and my family.  I'm not the ONLY mouthpiece, that's for sure. 
• God has reminded me (and Henry) of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego - We KNOW how these men were obeying God and yet still were literally and physically thrown into the fire.  But, God rescued them and not only that - He was in the fire with them!  Just like these men, God is with OUR little family in the fire.  Even if God doesn't take it away; even though He has NOT yet taken it away, we will still choose to put our trust in him.  (Read the story here: Daniel 3)

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There's something else I ran across this week - something from a very cool blog.  It truly represents a picture of the special-needs life - the isolating, spinning, overwhelming, constant, permanent, blissful, joyful, rollercoaster of it all.  Parts of this article rang SO true with my own heart, that I found myself in tears reading it - sometimes ugly tears, as the truths are so real. 

Please read the blogpost: Loving a Child Who Cannot Speak 

"There are people in your life who are going through this never ending grief. And they have learned how to blend in. They know how to disappear when they can't blend in and after a few times you stop noticing their absence. But they don't. They wear the guilt of escaping on their shoulders. The isolation adds to their pain. But they simply cannot take one more raised eyebrow from a stranger. Every day they are at the brink of breaking. So give them grace". 

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Oh, Father!  Thank you for your continued grace and forgiveness!  May I learn to show this same type of love to those around me, even when it's hard, even when I feel wronged.  Remind me of your continued faithfulness and provision.  Remind me of the many times you have Divinely Intervened. Turn my mourning into DANCING, even now!  Allow me to truly accept myself where you have me; I give you my needs, desires and mourning.  Continue to bring hope, joy and peace to our family, for our good and for YOUR glory.

Ryan