Tornado

Tornado - Did that title grab your attention this evening?  We had our first tornado of the spring season tonight, once again right down the street from our home.  While THIS tornado's strength is nothing compared to that of the May 20th 2011 storm, it still has us riled up tonight.  This tornado came out of nowhere.  We weren't even under a tornado warning, ya'll.  The bad weather was supposed to be on the other side of town, and then BOOM.  It was on us.  

Truly, the Lord was so good to spare us this evening, and I mean that with all sincerity.  Since the weather was set to get worse as the night went on, we got into our cars (our nurse included), and planned to head down to Purcell to avoid the hail and to eat dinner with Mike's parents.  The bad weather was West of us - we still had time.  So, we jumped in our cars, but before we left our neighborhood, I turned on the radio and heard that there was a tornado on the ground on 4th street in Moore - the VERY STREET we were about to get on; the main street outside our neighborhood; the one hit so badly in May 2011!  I turned around fiercely and we quickly got home.  The nurse, me and the kids piled out of the cars and ran inside, getting hit by hail.  I was so glad Lucy had her litle helmet on!  

Just as we were getting out of the car, the tornado sirens finally started to go off.  We tried calling Mike but cell coverage had already gone out (it does that in tornadoes).  I was so scared that he had kept going down 4th all the way to I35, and that's where the tornado ended up doing the worst damage.  I had peace, but at the same time, so much fear, panic and heartache of May 2011 came flooding back.  I think it affects our entire Community that way.  

We all hung out in the storm shelter which God so graciously provided last year.  Henry's tics were almost non-stop, but Conner was super calm and so was Lucy. Finally, we were able to get out of the shelter as the storm started to settle.  Just then, Mike walked in the door.  He had been at Sonic, under their carport, wondering where we were.  What in the world?!  Seriously.  We were NOT ready for tornadoes yet.  No sir, NOT READY at all.  I guess it's time to get my booty in gear and get those storm bags packed again.  I just didn't think we would have to do it so early in the year.  


Moving on to something beautifully intimate . . . 

This week, as I was going through some of Ellie Kate's spring clothes for Lucy, I found some of her shoes.  As I looked closely at them, I found one single hair on the velcro of that sweet little shoe.  One single hair of my Most Beautiful Daughter who is now with Jesus.  

I touched that hair.  I wanted to cuddle it, snuggle in bed with it.  I wanted to hold it and weep, but I couldn't do those things because I was too afraid to lose it.  I didn't remember to get a lock of Ellie's hair before she was buried, so all I have are these little keepsakes that pop up now and then.  I put that little hair on a piece of tape (medical tape, no less as it is naturally the only kind of tape I could find in my house at the time), and ultimately placed it on my mirror, writing a little note to remember:  

But now, I have Ellie's little hair on a frame in my bathroom - a frame which holds a most endearing picture of her hand and mine, two days before she left this earth.  It is priceless to me, and now I get to see her tender little hair when I look at this portrait which represents our bond in many ways.  I adore it.  I don't care if that sounds wrong, or if it IS wrong.  I adore it and I adore my Daughter.  And I miss her.  Oh, God!  I miss my Ellie Kate!  Some days it feels as though my heart is ripped out of my chest over and over again, with intense radical pain that cuts you to the core.  And then I look at Lucy and wonder, "How, Lord?  How in heaven's name will I do this again?  WHY do I have to do this?  Take this cup from me!"  .  

It's oh-so hard to see on the blog, but I promise it is there!  

Those irreplaceable Hands

As I was reflecting on that precious hair and on my most Darling Girl, the Father brought these verses to my  mind; and oh, how healing is the Balm of His Word to our open wounds! 

"But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:30

“What’s the price of two or three pet canaries? Some loose change, right? But God never overlooks a single one. And he pays even greater attention to you, down to the last detail—even numbering the hairs on your head! So don’t be intimidated by all this bully talk. You’re worth more than a million canaries." Luke 12:6-7

MY FATHER knows every hair on my head, every hair on Ellie's head.  He knows the number of this one that is now taped to my photo!  He knows the most intimate things.  He KNOWS, and I can rest in that.  I MUST rest in that.  I CHOOSE to rest in that.  I will LEARN to rest in that.  He knows me better than I know myself, and He knows what I need and when I need it.  

Just like this evening, when we thought we were doing the best thing for our family by getting out of the way of the storm - and yet he literally stopped us and had us turn around for safety.  What we thought was the best plan would probably have caused us great heartache and destruction as a family. God KNEW and He had us avoid that.  He re-routed us.  

If He re-routed us for that storm, what else does He re-route us from?  He is GOOD, even when we do not see it.  He is SOVEREIGN, even when we don't see it.  He is IN CONTROL, even when we don't see it.  With storms, with genetic diseases, with behavioral disorders, with medical bills, with depression, with heartache, He is there and He knows every single detail.  

May we rest in knowing that He knows us well

Thank you, Father for protecting us tonight.  The gift of Ellie Kate's single hair is more precious to me than I could ever express.  Thank you so much for letting me find this hidden treasure, Lord!  Thank you for your sweetness, even when I am hurting.  You know it all, Father.  You know each and every hair on my head - you know which one is which!  That alone should draw me to you; that alone should cause me to run to you. To see that you know me so intimately; to see that you love me so deeply, more than any treasures . . .  help me to grasp that, Lord.  Remind me of this great love that you have.  Remind me in those dark places of emptiness, those dark places of literally feeling torn-apart.  Thank you for knowing your children in such an intimate and spectacular way. 
 - Ryan