Eternity and the "In-Between"

For those of you who don't know, Ellie Kate McLaughlin was born on December 4, 2005 and died on December 23, 2012.  Having everything rolled into one month brings many ups and downs. It's a true, violent roller-coaster that you often want to get off of.  Correction. It's a violent roller-coaster that you simply want to jump off of, and back onto the safety of the non-spinning, non-moving, predictable, stable, ground.   

The truth is that this month has been wonderful.  So many stories of reckless love being demonstrated;   excitement over the gifts for Children's Hospital showing up at our door, Christmas cards hanging in our kitchen, Christmas parties, etc . . .  and then . . . this week everything really hit me.  I'm flooded with memories of two very important times in our lives - in Ellie Kate's life - the time surrounding her birth and those intense early days, and the short time we had at home with her before she went to be with Jesus (three days).

This week I am hit with the smells of Baptist hospital where we were told Ellie probably wouldn't make it through the night.  I can smell the soap and hand sanitizer so clearly.  Bittersweet memories flow as I remember walking out of the meeting with the doctor as Ellie was placed on the ventilator. As we walked out of the PICU  I saw so many people from our church on their knees praying for Our Princess.  It was surreal and I remember exactly how I felt at that moment.  I remember the song that I would hear on the radio so often as I drove to Baptist each day (they told us we weren't allowed to stay with Ellie Kate because she was too fragile), and even the smell of the cafeteria there.

Then there is the heartache of the end and the suffering that Ellie endured.  Those last several hospital stays from September to December, almost constantly in and out.  And then at home on hospice and what we saw, what we heard, what we did, what we felt . . . it's all very real this week.  I am torn to pieces over these dark memories.  They shake me to the core, but then I also see the goodness (yes, goodness) of God in His timing in that all of our family was near.  Everyone got to say goodbye and that wouldn't have happened any other time of the year.

Very conflicting feelings.  Very extreme.  Incredibly intense.  

One day this week, when I was having trouble simply functioning, my Mom  encouraged my heart with Scripture.  In the beginning of our loss, I hated hearing God's Word.  My heart was too broken to hear anything really, but now - oh, I want to know God's heart!  I must be reminded of His goodness and His love!  I must be reminded of eternity!  And that's what my Mom helped me to focus on - eternity and all that Ellie Kate is experiencing.  No more hurt.  No more sickness.  No more time.  No more sadness.  Everything we enjoy on earth, but perfected in every possible way. THAT is what MY DAUGHTER IS EXPERIENCING!

Mom also reminded me to focus on the "in-between", and not just on the dramatic and tragic beginning and end of sweet Ellie Kate's life.  The beautiful, glorious, joyful "in-between" that made up the majority of her remarkably unique life.  Our Daughter led such a rich life! Her viewpoint was simple and happy. EK loved her life. 

Thankfully, I'm truly not used to this deep sorrow and heart-sickness staying with me for such a long time anymore.  I'm so grateful that I have been able to focus on eternity for a while now, so feeling so broken and vulnerable has caught me off-guard.  But, that's what happens when you love much, when you love deeply, when you love recklessly.  And that's how I still love My Ellie Kate. 

I'm not sure how next week will be for us, or even next year and the anniversaries to follow.  I don't know if my body will always fail me during this time, or if I will be able to rise above it all.  I am CHOOSING to rest in these things tonight:  knowing that My Daughter is in a perfect eternity, where I will one day join her AND knowing that she lived a wonderfully, happy life here on earth.