Deep Calls to Deep - At My Wits End

Oh Friend, is your heart heavy? Are you at your wits end? Do your tears flow, day and night, wondering where God is in your turmoil and distress?  Do you wonder how God will provide your needs, and does it seem impossible to do so?   If you are any of these things, I AM WITH YOU.  For Ages, Believers have felt this very same way.  Look at the Disciples with their trials.  Look at the tribulation Jesus experienced in the Wilderness.  

Psalm 42:5-9 TLB

My soul is cast down within me . . . 

Deep calls to deep at all your breakers and your waves, 

the roar of your waterfalls have gone over me.  

The Lord commands his steadfast love, 

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.  

I say to God, my rock:  “Why have you forgotten me . . . ?

Psalm 107:27-28, 

"They were at their wit's end.  

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, 

and he brought them out of their distress."

"Wits End Corner"
By Antoinette Wilson

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Christian, with troubled brow'
Are you thinking of what is before you, And all you are bearing now'
Does all the world seem against you, And you in the battle alone'
Remember at Wits End Corner Is where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Blinded with wearying pain
Feeling you cannot endure it, You cannot bear the strain.
Bruised through the constant suffering Dizzy and dazed, and numb
Remember at Wits End Corner, Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Your work before you spread?
Or lying begun, unfinished And pressing on heart and head.
Longing for strength to do it. Stretching out trembling hands
Remember at “Wits End Corner” The burden bearer stand.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Yearning for those you love,
Longing and praying and watching, Pleading their cause above,
Trying to lead them to Jesus Wondering if you’ve been true'
He whispers at “Wits End Corner” “I’ll win them as I won you.”

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Then you’re just in the very spot.
To learn the wondrous resources Of Him who faileth not!
No doubt to a brighter pathway Your footsteps will soon be moved
But only at Wits End Corner Is the God who is able, “proved.”

When Ellie Kate was born the song, "I will Praise You in this Storm," came out.  I remember my Precepts teacher playing it in class, singing it over me and physically holding me close.  With all of my heart and soul, I believed our "Storm" would soon pass.  I was realistic, of course.  My Daughter had a terminal genetic disorder but, I was sure the Storm wouldn't last forever.  And yet, here we are, still in what feels like the very middle of the storm, not anywhere close to the end; not anywhere close to the shore, to calm waters, to the day when the heaviness is all-together lifted.  

I don't understand why the "Storm" still lingers.  In my weakness, when my heart is weary, as it has been these last weeks, I find myself wondering if it truly will ever come to an end.  YES, God provides.  YES, He is still God and He provides and holds us; yet, the Storm continues to rage and it's so easy to get lost in the sorrow, heartbreak and unknown of what that is.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way.  I cling to this knowledge: God too has tasted such Storms, in the human form of His Son, Jesus.  Even Jesus asked His Father to "take this Cup from me . . . " knowing the brutal beatings, crucifixion and earthly death would be too much for Him to bear.  

Lord, brand this TRUTH on our hearts . . . 

• Until He brings us out of our distress and heartache, He has promised to be with us and to never forsake us.  The GOD of Creation, who knows the number of hairs on your head, has promised not to let you walk this heavy road alone.  To me, what's even better than that, is the promise God will draw us closer to Him through the deep waters, no matter how long they last.  

• It is THERE, in the deepest of deep, in the hardest of hard, when there seems no end to heartache and distress, where GOD draws us ever-so-close to HIM.  It doesn't happen when everything's going right or when you don't have reason to depend upon God.  It doesn't happen when you are in "control" of your schedule, finances, and plans.  It happens when you walk through the DEEP, when you cry out to God for His intervention.

Even if the Storm doesn't stop, even if the Storm doesn't seem to ease up immediately, or gets worse . . . we CAN trust Him.  I am learning to CHOOSE to trust and CHOOSE to believe, even when it feels impossible.  In these times, may we ask Our God, "I believe, help my unbelief," Mark 9:24.

Jesus, your ways are always higher than mine.  You know my past and future; you know what is best for me, for my marriage, for my children.  YOu've felt human heartache and you know it deeply.  I choose to give you my Storm and I ask you to be in control, to take it and use it for YOUR glory.  Father, I ask you to use our Storms to take me deeper with you, to develop my character and the character of my family.  I ask you to be glorified, for that is the main purpose of your Children here on earth - to know you and make you know.  Even when I don't understand, even when I fight against the plans you allow and cause, I CHOOSE to believe you will cause it all for OUR good and for YOUR glory.  

May our storms and lives bless you, even if we don't understand!
Ryan

Psalm 107:27-32 The Message (MSG)

23-32 Some of you set sail in big ships;
    you put to sea to do business in faraway ports.
Out at sea you saw God in action,
    saw his breathtaking ways with the ocean:
With a word he called up the wind—
    an ocean storm, towering waves!
You shot high in the sky, then the bottom dropped out;
    your hearts were stuck in your throats.
You were spun like a top, you reeled like a drunk,
    you didn’t know which end was up.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
    he got you out in the nick of time.
He quieted the wind down to a whisper,
    put a muzzle on all the big waves.
And you were so glad when the storm died down,
    and he led you safely back to harbor.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
    for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.
Lift high your praises when the people assemble,
    shout Hallelujah when the elders meet!

Kisses to Last a Lifetime

The true question which fills my heart and mind is this: 

How many more kisses will I get to give 

before Lucy takes her last breath on earth? 

How long do I have to study her face, her hands, 

those most perfect lips and movie-star eyelashes?  

When will be my last time to see and kiss on those 

 cute little earlobes and dimpled hands!

 I don't have enough time left on earth 

to give My Lucy Belle ALL of the millions of 

kisses I truly long to give her in this lifetime. 

"Time" is a true thief; it steals the most precious of things, and I know you can relate.  

I find comfort in this:  God's infallible Word,  offers Eternal Life awaiting ALL children, all of those with profound disabilities AND all of those who've surrendered their life to Christ, asking Him to the be the King and Lord of their life!  

Even in knowing Lucy will soon meet Jesus and come face to face again with Ellie Kate (can you even begin to imagine what that will be like?!), My human, broken and motherly-heart still wonders and wails in so many ways.  Even as a Believer who knows where I will spend eternity, who KNOWS where my Daughters will spend eternity and that they will be completed, perfect, whole, without any pain, without any sickness, without any fear or tears or hunger or confusion . . . even still my heart cries out . . . 

Would you give me MORE and MORE and MORE times with Lucy

and special opportunities to hold her, love on her and sing to her, 

telling her stories about Heaven?

Will you go before us and provide in supernatural ways?

Will you comfort Lucy even now, preparing her heart, body and mind - her Most Precious Spirit for what YOU have in store, Lord?  

We see the signs and know them too well.  We told Lucy we would fight for her life as long as her body told us to keep fighting but now, just as Ellie Kate's body did, Lucy's is showing us how tired it is and how incapable it is of working correctly.  Hardly any wet diapers.  

No bowel movements, even with Senna (laxative given twice daily) plus daily enemas).  Almost constant state of sleep.  Twitching and seizing and muscles moving in a bizare fashion.  Her food and medicine doesn't go through her belly well and isn't absorbed.  Still, she screams and cries, even with pain medication.  Still, she screams when she even sees me bringing a syringe of formula over to her because she's anticipating the hurt.  

How much longer, Oh Lord will the suffering endure?  
Will you take it out of our hands?  

 Truly, My HOPE is in YOU, Lord from where my Help comes from!  
You reign in Heaven and on Earth and I am so unworthy of your goodness, your mercy, your provision, 
and your gentle hand with Lucy and with the other children.  

Please continue your mercy, Most Holy God.  Please continue to pour yourself out to us in this busy time, this confusing time, 
this space in time which is hard to understand - 
a space in time which I thought would be so far away, God. 
 I don't know how it can be, but I CHOOSE to trust you.  
I CHOOSE to take your cup and drink it. 
Not MY Will but YOURS be done!

 Oh, how I want to kiss Lucy's sweet, tiny feet (which are almost as big as Bowen's)!  I want to kiss the nape of her neck a million times over, to get a little kiss and breathe in her heavenly scent.  I want to kiss every dimple in her hand and then do it again a thousand times over! 

Those perched lips - perfectly shaped and perfectly pink when all is well - I want to kiss them a trillion time over again and put Lucy's "make-up" on her again and again until the dryness is gone.

This life is full of things we just don't understand and sometimes we will never understand what happens to us, through us, because of us.  Tonight I find solace in knowing there is NOTHING God does not allow - there is nothing that can be done without Him knowing and approving, just as we've learned from Job.  

And 

Tonight, I also find solace in His Word - 

the ONLY true and trustworthy thing in this life . . . 

Isaiah 55:8-9

8 This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.

Isaiah 54:10-14 

10 For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart." The God who has compassion on you says so.

11 "Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied: I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise, Lay your foundations with sapphires, 

12construct your towers with rubies, Your gates with jewels, and all your walls with precious stones. 

13 All your children will have God for their teacher - what a mentor for your children! 

14 You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble - nothing to fear! far from terror - it won't even come close!

Care Calendar:  practical ways to assist our family

Helping Hands account: financial support

Heartcry - I Don't Have It Figured Out

Literally, I have started and stopped this blog about ten times  So much to update you on since my last, long-ago post and so much share from what God is teaching me, and though it's the heartache part of it all which I don't want to bog you down with, I know in my heart I need to share where we are in a short, simple way (at least to the best of my ability).  It needs to be said and read and heard because WE are not the only ones going through such difficult, hard to understand things.  So, WARNING:  this will be an honest and brutal pen; a raw, post, to say the least.  I hope you can bear with me . . .

I wish I could tell you that we had it all figured out - for Lucy, for Henry, for the finalization of Bowen's adoption, but I can't.  We are struggling, more than ever before, and there are many feelings which have risen up with that that and really, I don't understand.

• WHY, after 11yrs within the special needs and medically fragile community, has it not changed?  WHY doesn't it get better?  WHY does it continue to get worse?  
• WHAT can we do to make things better for our family - to start new and fresh?  
• WHAT's the next move for Henry's treatment and how the heck do we get there?  
• HOW do we comfort and treat Lucy Belle?  
• HOWdo we continue to love Our Conner Michael well?  
• HOW do we survive this as a family because it's getting harder and harder to do.  

There are even more complicated questions too, such as have we not heard from nor seen dear friends, those we've walked through fire with, because they are tired of us?  Do once former friends and mentors now heavily sigh when they hear of our struggles because of the length of it all?  Is it "too much" to be our friends or to walk alongside us (I most certainly could understand)?  Do they question the decisions we've made or what we say on social media?  Is that the cause of the silence and what seems like abandonment in many ways?  

And, where is God in all of this?  

We have NO idea why things have AND haven't changed, despite our best efforts, despite our faith, despite our outcries, despite our research.  Why do things seem to get worse for Lucy and especially, why do they get worse for Henry when he is the child God so sweetly promised to me?  

We are desperate for God to start us fresh and new and we want big-time details and directions which can only come from God,  Will you heal us?  Will you start us fresh in every way?

Father, what's stopping us from moving forward to something BETTER or EVEN just something as easily as hard?  Different.  Just something different - something we are all longing for.   And really, Lord, WHY can't we get there - to that brand new start?  It doesn't have to be perfect; this life is so heavy and we need a break and to see YOUR face!  

The gift of relief, of joy, happiness, newness, renewal, provision and more . . . Lord, why not us?  Even Job was given a new start as well as King David, and though we are far from their level, couldn't we also be given the slightest of clean starts with our home, environment, treatment and more?  

Isn't 11 years enough?

I've related so much to Job recently (and have learned a ton from his story as well - hopefully, to post soon), and I'm infinitely grateful to know that my FAITH has NOTHING to do with the circumstances I am in nor the evils which come my way.  

Job 7:11English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;

I actually like the “realness” of The Message version even better . . .

Job 7:11The Message (MSG)

¹¹“And so I’m not keeping one bit of this quiet"

When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
    my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
    and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
    and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
    Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
    and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
    and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
    nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
    Why have you made me your mark?
    Why have I become a burden to you?

Job too, the man of God that he was, 
also lamented, and did so in very outward, public ways.  
This is why I no longer cringe at the thought of sharing the heartache of a special-needs or medically-fragile life.  

If a man whom God deemed to be faithful and righteous can lament over the losses suffered likely over several months, then why can't I lament as well?

I'm having to choose, admittedly many times not-so-willingly, 

to do the following . . . 

• Trust God as we start palliative care for Lucy Belle and seek help in her treatment
• Trust God as we seek out of state PANDAS help for Henry
• Trust God for provision of that help for Henry
• Trust God to keep Conner safe and secure, living the most "normal" life as possible
• Trust God to heal our family from the many heartaches we've faced
• Trust God to bring respite and relief; a new start - a desire He's placed in the hearts of us all.  

Job 19:28 ESV

Job’s words . . .

Behold, I cry out, ‘Violence!’ but I am not answered;

But even in ALL of these things, Job ends this chapter like THIS:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,

Job knew that His Helper, the One in Control of ALL THINGS, was indeed in control, despite the circumstances and despite how he may have felt at the time.  

He knows too that in the end, once this earthly suffering DOES indeed end

and on the day of that suffering-ending,

Job’s eyes would then behold the ONE –

THE One He had dedicated His life to and all that He had.

Father, may I get to the place where Job was.  May we make it through as Job did.  May you restore us and redeem to us all that was lost, just like Job. 
 You alone are our only hope.  

  

. . . and then she was FIVE

Lucy turned FIVE today.  I don't really know how that's possible and I wasn't really prepared for the flood of mixed emotions that hit my heart today, as precious memories of both Girls came to mind.  FIVE - it's a huge milestone for Lucy, and I remember well celebrating Ellie Kate's fifth birthday . . . wasn't that just a couple of years ago?  How is it that time crawls by and goes at lightening speed, all at the same time?!

Ellie Kate, 2005

Lucy Belle, 2011

It hit me today - Ellie Kate was five when Lucy was born.  That seems unreal to me!  Once Ellie turned five years old, we barely had two additional years with her.  Lucy is now only two years away from the age Ellie Kate was when she left this earth and ran into the arms of Jesus.  It's sobering and confusing and gut-wrenching; it's a roller-coaster of emotion in every possible way, bringing up fears and questions and doubts.  

Ellie Kate, age 4

Lucy Belle, age 4

Ellie Kate, 2006

Lucy Belle, 2011

It's a step of faith - loving someone in a fragile state because there is so much at stake.  There is so much on the line for oneself, for one's well-being, but true love doesn't think of oneself, does it?   True love puts another person above your own desires and feelings, in every possible way, and Jesus is the perfect example of that. God the Father knew, when He sent Jesus to earth, that His only Son would one day die a terrible, painful, earthly death.  He knew it and He continued to love Him like only a perfect Father can, providing His every need and being there at all times.  As Believers, we die to ourselves and as parents, we love recklessly with every fiber of our beings, no matter the consequence, no matter how much it may hurt.  And that is how we will continue to love Lucy, just as we loved her Big Sister.

Ellie Kate, age Five

Lucy Belle, age Five

Our Sweet, "Beautiful Light".  Our unexpected Baby, our Lucy Belle McLaughlin.  She has brought so much joy, so much hope, so much laughter.  God has given us the gift of  enjoying life through death, because of Lucy.  His ways are ALWAYS higher.  His plans are ALWAYS better than what we could ever hope or dream-up on our own!  I'm so grateful that the Lord created Lucy and gave her to us at the absolute perfect time for Ellie Kate, for me, for Mike, for Conner, and for Henry.  God gives GOOD and perfect gifts, and that is exactly what we have in Miss Lucy.

Oh, Father! Thank you for the precious, priceless gift of our Lucy.  I can never express my gratefulness for her Little Life!  Thank you for giving Lucy to us at the perfect time and thank you for granting us dreams better than we could ever hope for!  Thank you for healing my heart through Lucy Belle.  Thank you for the precious gift of Ellie Kate and Lucy being so close in appearance and mannerisms and for daily reminding us of how richly you truly have blessed us.  May we never forget your goodness, your kindness and your faithfulness to our Family.  We are so unworthy, Father.  We give you Lucy and ask that you continue to orchestrate her life according to your plans.  

Lucy, 2 Months

Lucy, One Year

Lucy, Two Years

Lucy, Three Years

Lucy, Four Years 

Lucy, Five Years

Mirror Image

You guys, I have been incredibly humbled by the fact that so many of you read and shared my last post, "Fixer Upper".  Whether it draws the attention of HGTVand Joanna and Chip Gaines of "Fixer Upper" . . well, who really knows, but that wasn't the point of that post anyways.  I'm still grateful for their example and ministry, and I hope you are inspired to find YOUR mission as an individual, couple and/or family.  There is great joy in knowing your life is living out the things that God has called you to!  

The end of the summer is here and school starts for us next week!  There has been so much growth within our family over the summer.  No, we haven't added any new members ('Scout' the Cocker Spaniel is still on family probation, actually), but I have seen my children stretch spiritually, mentally and physically.  I've seen the same in my Dear Husband.  As for me, I'm not sure about other areas, but I have put on some weight, which was not planned (that happens when you stay home with your kids all summer, right??).  Overall, I am sweetly satisfied in how this summer has gone and I am grateful for what we've been able to experience and take part in! Not only has the Father faithfully provided our needs, but also some of "wants" by allowing us to take some trips and enjoy adventures as a family.  He is SO good, even when we are not.

Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow.

James 1:17

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Matthew 7:11

Little Lucy Belle has particularly changed this summer, growing a few inches and gaining a few pounds.  We've seen even MORE exciting changes though, things we never even thought possible!  Lucy is now holding a cup and drinking water herself;even though she struggles to get it into her mouth each time and struggles to keep it in her hands.  She shows the DESIRE to drink water.  She CHOOSES to bring the cup to her mouth.  This is HUGE!  Lucy also now lifts her arms as we walk by to show us when she wants to be held.  She is CHOOSING to be held - she is COMMUNICATING with us, letting us know what she WANTS!  Can you even imagine?! And oh, that princess attitude that she has developed, and it isn't always the humble, gentle princess of the Disney movies.  She's a literal biter and pouts, screaming when she doesn't get what she wants, which is hard bc we often have to guess what she wants and needs.  It is SO FUN to watch her change, grow and mature.  I am blown-away by it really, and this strong evidence of how cognitively aware Lucy truly is!  *Um, Jo-Jo, if you DO come to our house, can we make some mirrored furniture happen?

Another way Lucy has developed is with her vision and curiosity.  Recently, at a dear friends' house, Lucy fell in love with her own image.  She saw herself in a mirrored piece of furniture, and we all watched in awe as she sat and looked at herself for so long - tilting her head back and forth, moving toward the image and then away from it, even sideways.  She was enamored with her what she was seeing, and the fact that she has the ability to do that is astounding to me as her momma.  My heart leaps with joy!  What else will she be able to do?  Oh, Lord, bring do more in Lu Lu's mind and body!

Lucy's reflection with her image got me thinking . . . how often do you take a long look at yourself, at your life, at your ministry as an individual?  Let me gently remind you that it isn't conceded to step back and take a long look, an in-depth glance, at your life.  It's a deep thing, something that requires you to be open and honest, asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what needs to be seen and possibly, what needs to be changed.

I will admit it - I do NOT like looking at my reflection, folks.  It's hard for me to slow down, just like many of you.  Finding a quiet time and place to reflect?  Well, that sounds impossible.  But, God will allow it to happen, even in the strangest of places.  He will reveal himself because He cares and He wants your to grow and change. Thank the Lord for that (literally), for who wants to stay the same old non-growing, boring self?!  I don't always like what I see, in fact I don't enjoy the failures and flaws that scream out at me when I press in on my own image.  The thing God wants from us in all of this image stuff?  Well, it's SURRENDER.  Total surrender; because when we surrender it all to Jesus, He takes over.  For those who believe on His name, He has paid for our failures and mistakes and when He looks at us, He no longer sees those ugly things (can I get an 'amen'?!).  But when we continue to surrender to Him - that's when we start seeing the changes in our hearts, our minds, and sometimes even our beliefs.  Jesus changes it all . . . for the better.  He changes us to be more like Him, and as a follower of Christ, that is our goal!  Lord, give us your wisdom!

But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

James 3:17

The precious children in your life are looking at your image too.  They watch you - how you react to joy and pain; how you respond to difficult circumstances, surprise events and even loses.  They intently see our image, and that is why we must faithfully teach them WHO God is, living it out every day.

Do as Lucy, and look at your own image, taking all the time that you need.  

Holy Spirit, guide us as we seek you in this way.  Speak to us loudly and clearly so we know what you want us to change.  Encourage us by showing us what it is about us that you most celebrate - a part of our image that you take joy in. Reveal to us what we need to work on - the dark places that need to be surrendered again to your authority.  Father, may we then go and teach our children who you are and may they see you in how we live our lives each day.  Thank you for loving us so recklessly!