Kisses to Last a Lifetime

The true question which fills my heart and mind is this: 

How many more kisses will I get to give 

before Lucy takes her last breath on earth? 

How long do I have to study her face, her hands, 

those most perfect lips and movie-star eyelashes?  

When will be my last time to see and kiss on those 

 cute little earlobes and dimpled hands!

 I don't have enough time left on earth 

to give My Lucy Belle ALL of the millions of 

kisses I truly long to give her in this lifetime. 

"Time" is a true thief; it steals the most precious of things, and I know you can relate.  

I find comfort in this:  God's infallible Word,  offers Eternal Life awaiting ALL children, all of those with profound disabilities AND all of those who've surrendered their life to Christ, asking Him to the be the King and Lord of their life!  

Even in knowing Lucy will soon meet Jesus and come face to face again with Ellie Kate (can you even begin to imagine what that will be like?!), My human, broken and motherly-heart still wonders and wails in so many ways.  Even as a Believer who knows where I will spend eternity, who KNOWS where my Daughters will spend eternity and that they will be completed, perfect, whole, without any pain, without any sickness, without any fear or tears or hunger or confusion . . . even still my heart cries out . . . 

Would you give me MORE and MORE and MORE times with Lucy

and special opportunities to hold her, love on her and sing to her, 

telling her stories about Heaven?

Will you go before us and provide in supernatural ways?

Will you comfort Lucy even now, preparing her heart, body and mind - her Most Precious Spirit for what YOU have in store, Lord?  

We see the signs and know them too well.  We told Lucy we would fight for her life as long as her body told us to keep fighting but now, just as Ellie Kate's body did, Lucy's is showing us how tired it is and how incapable it is of working correctly.  Hardly any wet diapers.  

No bowel movements, even with Senna (laxative given twice daily) plus daily enemas).  Almost constant state of sleep.  Twitching and seizing and muscles moving in a bizare fashion.  Her food and medicine doesn't go through her belly well and isn't absorbed.  Still, she screams and cries, even with pain medication.  Still, she screams when she even sees me bringing a syringe of formula over to her because she's anticipating the hurt.  

How much longer, Oh Lord will the suffering endure?  
Will you take it out of our hands?  

 Truly, My HOPE is in YOU, Lord from where my Help comes from!  
You reign in Heaven and on Earth and I am so unworthy of your goodness, your mercy, your provision, 
and your gentle hand with Lucy and with the other children.  

Please continue your mercy, Most Holy God.  Please continue to pour yourself out to us in this busy time, this confusing time, 
this space in time which is hard to understand - 
a space in time which I thought would be so far away, God. 
 I don't know how it can be, but I CHOOSE to trust you.  
I CHOOSE to take your cup and drink it. 
Not MY Will but YOURS be done!

 Oh, how I want to kiss Lucy's sweet, tiny feet (which are almost as big as Bowen's)!  I want to kiss the nape of her neck a million times over, to get a little kiss and breathe in her heavenly scent.  I want to kiss every dimple in her hand and then do it again a thousand times over! 

Those perched lips - perfectly shaped and perfectly pink when all is well - I want to kiss them a trillion time over again and put Lucy's "make-up" on her again and again until the dryness is gone.

This life is full of things we just don't understand and sometimes we will never understand what happens to us, through us, because of us.  Tonight I find solace in knowing there is NOTHING God does not allow - there is nothing that can be done without Him knowing and approving, just as we've learned from Job.  

And 

Tonight, I also find solace in His Word - 

the ONLY true and trustworthy thing in this life . . . 

Isaiah 55:8-9

8 This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.

Isaiah 54:10-14 

10 For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart." The God who has compassion on you says so.

11 "Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied: I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise, Lay your foundations with sapphires, 

12construct your towers with rubies, Your gates with jewels, and all your walls with precious stones. 

13 All your children will have God for their teacher - what a mentor for your children! 

14 You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble - nothing to fear! far from terror - it won't even come close!

Care Calendar:  practical ways to assist our family

Helping Hands account: financial support

A Beautiful Place

Last week we were able to sneak away to the beach!  Now, "sneak" really isn't the right word for our family, because it takes a lot to make it possible for us to do something like this.  My parents helped tremendously and our nurses served above and beyond, all so we could get away with Henry and Conner.

Every summer we try to take the boys somewhere to make them feel extra special.  We don't do anything fancy, but we do try to save and plan so that we can do something out-of-the-ordinary for Henry and Conner.  This is something we started about four years ago, when I was pregnant with Lucy.  I am incredibly grateful that we've been able to continue this tradition and I'm thankful for all of those who participate, helping us make it happen!  God is very good.

This summer, we visited Destin, Florida - my favorite beaches; the place where I was sent by my family not that long ago (I was in need of a break).  We stayed with my Aunt and Uncle, Cheryl and Todd Waddle, as well as my cousin, Brian.  It was SUCH great fun to spend time with them - meals, board games, walks, adventures - priceless time together!  The boys especially loved spending time with their dog, Dakota and feeding the turtles who live in the ponds close to the Waddles' house.  We also had a fabulous Fourth, spent with new friends, along with plenty of fireworks!

It was healing watching the boys smile and laugh so much!  It warmed my heart to see Mike being able to spend so much quality time with them, throwing them around in the ocean, carrying them in his arms, looking for fish and seashells (much of it was spent in the water). They played baseball on the beach and tackled each and every wave they encountered.

Leaving Lucy behind is really tough - I won't lie.  I do find comfort in the fact that Lucy doesn't seem to know a sense of time.  She loves her routine, which she was able to keep, so that means she was super happy the entire time we were gone!  Really and truly, our nurses kept Lucy happy and busy and were kind enough to send us pictures while we were away.  When we came home, I was hoping that Lucy would giggle and squeal, which didn't exactly happen.  She was happy, but not overly so.  To me it just shows that she didn't realize how long we were gone, which is a good thing, in all reality.  I love our Lucy Belle so very much and it was so good to kiss those sweet lips after being away from her for so long!


We are now settling back in, which has been hard on little Henry.  Any changes seem to be rough, although he did amazingly well on our trip!  We came home to find that our handicap-accessible van is broken.  One of THE most important parts isn't working - the ramp!  We aren't able to get Lucy in and out the way that we need to, which defeats the purpose.  Please pray with us that it is an easy fix.  This van is an absolute true gift from the Father, no doubt about it!  We've put in so many miles driving to and from the hospital, to and from therapy, etc.  It's crazy how many miles we've racked up just by driving around town, to and from appointments, to and from the hospital, etc, etc, etc!  We need the van.


God is so good to give us what we need, when we need it.  It may not feel like it comes at the right time; in fact, I often feel as though God has His timing a little off.  Things don't seem to happen when I want them to or how I want them to.  You know what, though?  That's the beautiful mystery of our Father.  His ways are not our ways.  He gives us good gifts.  He knows exactly when we need them and exactly when we don't.  We can trust Him with every detail.  Trust Him to take you to a beautiful place, in His time.


Resting In His Timing and His Goodness,

Ryan

Revival - It's Time to be Well

Reviving: the act of breathing life into something that was once dead, or close to death. To me, revival is an awakening of the heart, of the Spirit within me.  What once was dry and cracked, in a drought; those places that hadn't seen growth now given life - immediate, powerful, indescribably beautiful, abundant, life!  I have experienced revival over the last several days, and it is something that I have thirsted for so long.

We all get so caught up in the busyness of this life - it's inevitable really, since the world runs a million miles an hour (or so it seems).  We get so busy that we forget to take care of ourselves, or maybe we truly just don't have the time or resources to do so.  We run until we can't run anymore,  sometimes that means our bodies are affected and become sick because of the overload.  Our Souls, our Spirits become dry and cracked.  Not only do our Spirits need life, they need a healing balm, because being Spirit-dried and cracked hurts physically, spiritually and emotionally.  This is where I have been.  Spiritually, I will never be dead because I have a new life in Jesus Christ which started the moment I gave my life over to Him.  However, I have been dry and cracked in a desert, longing for water, longing for new life.

My little family made huge sacrifices to send me to  my Auntie Cheryl in Destin, Florida.  I've grown up going to this area and I find immeasurable peace from simply laying eyes on the blue-green water of the Emerald Coast.  Mike and I have taken the children to this spot several times as well; all four of them have experienced the sugar-sand beach that calls my name. Getting away - stepping back from the regular pace of life for a while; even just being in new surroundings can be so refreshing, and each breath I took seemed to slow my heart-rate down and call me to The Word of God.  God drew me to the book of Isaiah; He told me to read it.  And so I began, there on that beach, diving into the Old Testament with great expectation.  I knew in my heart that this time away would be an Ebenezer for me -a markable moment in my life, both physical and spiritual.  God was going to speak to me during my time away. He was saying, "It's time to be well".

Me and Auntie Cheryl

The gorgeous water!

Spending time with our Florida NKH Family, whom I love (don't Aubree and Lucy look alike?)! 

Isaiah - it's "Our Book" as a family, so to speak.  Mike and I believe that God called our family to ministry through Isaiah 43, which has been confirmed to us in so many beautiful ways. This is the book where the Spirit spoke to us about having Henry, with the promise that He would do something new and miraculous, which He so graciously did.  Henry's middle name is Isaiah.  This is a very special book to me, and I knew that God wanted to speak to me this past week, in deep ways and that He had a treasure chest that He wanted to take me through. He HAS been healing me, and it is time for me to allow Him to complete some of that healing; to allow Him to speak to my heart about things that I've been carrying with me, things I don't need to carry anymore and to breathe life into my Soul. 

God spoke to His people through His prophet Isaiah, who wrote this beautiful book.  A good portion of the book is full of God calling out to His Beloved people.  He yearns for them to be close again, but His people have rebelled and run away from Him over and over.  God created them to be in an intimate, loving, living, two-way relationship - He formed us this way, Friends.  And yet the people weren't able to live it out or experience it, because of their own actions.

In Isaiah we see that the people of God have made idols and not only have they made them, they also treasure them above God. In fact, they don't even hide the fact that they are worshiping other gods.  That is the level of disrespect they are showing their God:  even though they have literally seen the works of God on their behalf, in front of their eyes, they STILL choose idols.  God is physically weary of carrying the burden that the idols bring over His Children.  The Lord is calling on His people to repent, to turn away from these idols that do not satisfy.  He is calling them refocus on Him and on Him alone.

I was cut to the core.  I have idols.  I have idols that I put before God.  I have idols that I blatantly put before God - I don't even hide them.  I make excuses for them.  God is jealous for me.  His grace and mercy are unending, and He has outstretched them to me time and time again, and yet I still kept some of those idols.  Some of my personal healing has been blocked by the fact that I've sought healing in the balm of my idols.   NOT ANYMORE.  Let me be clear, separation from God, or feeling separated from God doesn't always come because of something we do or don't do.  Healing isn't based always based on what we do or don't do because God oversees it, in His infinite wisdom.  It's different for everyone; the mysteries of God are deeper than the sea!  God isn't fickle, but our feelings sure are.  If you feel far from the Lord, press in and ask Him why.  Ask Him to show you what is standing in the way.  It may or may not be an idol.  There are many other things that can cause this, but for me at this particular time, I believe the Spirit is telling me that my idols, and those of my family, have caused my relationship with God to be more fuzzy than it was made to be.  

God spoke to me so crystal clearly, there near the water.  You see, I am Jacob.  You are too, if you've given your life to Christ.  He is jealous for us and calls to us lovingly and then sometimes, He calls us aggressively, like a Father calling out to his child who is about to run into the busy street.  He has given us life and formed us for His purpose and to live an abundant life, but when we are so far away from Him, putting idols above Him, we aren't able to experience that full and abundant relationship that we were designed for.  When I put an idol before the Lord, I am not experiencing life the way it was designed for me.  Why would I do that to myself and to those around me (no doubt, your idols affect everyone you are in community with, especially your family)?  I want to live the life I was designed for - I don't want the cheap version; I want the real thing in it's entirety!

Do you feel it, Believer?  Do you feel like there is something more to your life and to your relationship with Christ - a deeper connection that you are longing for?  The idols you have set up in your life, the things you have allowed to take the sacred high place in your heart, the place that belongs to God . . . will you lay them down? 

You see, the Lord has so much more for us; more than what the idols can offer that's for sure, although I know it doesn't always feel that way.  The pull of the idols and the comfort that they bring can be strong, but Oh! The freedom that Christ brings is worth so much more, Friends! And that is what the rest of Isaiah is about . . . the Father wooing His children back.

God tells them of the wondrous, miraculous, tangible, and intangible things He is going to do IN and THROUGH them.  He tells them that He has beautiful plans to unfold for their descendants, for their children.  See, the time of wandering, the times of calling out to God and not hearing Him - those times are coming to an end.  God is about to be closer to them than He has ever been - even better than before they set up those stupid idols.  God is going to defeat Jacob's enemies.  He is going to make Israel a great people and extend their land, giving them more than they thought possible.  THE DESERT TIME IS OVER and the NEW ABUNDANT LIFE IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. 

 He's listening and is actively speaking again, but even more so and also providing above and beyond the needs of the people.  They are obeying and He is moving on their behalf.  Side-note: Let me make it clear, God's movements aren't always based whether or not we are obeying.  Thank the Lord, His love AND His blessings are NOT based on what we do or don't do.  His ways are not our ways - they are mysterious.  But here in the book of Isaiah, God's ear has turned back to His people, and as I see it, His heart has softened . . .  He is communicating like crazy and is tangibly blessing them.  They are refreshed and renewed.  Life where there once was death.  Water for the dry, cracked Souls of the people of Israel.  REVIVAL.

"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old.  Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness

 and rivers in the desert." 

Isaiah 43:18-19

This week, through reading through Isaiah, God confirmed what He has shown me and spoken so sweetly to my Spirit.  God IS doing something new in our family - something that seems impossible to others; something that once seemed impossible to us! We have been in a dry and broken place - a desert.  Like a mirror to my own spiritual walk, we've been waiting and calling out to God.  He has never left us and we haven't been abandoned.  He's been there the entire time, although it hasn't always felt like it.  In fact, most of the time, He has felt far off.  But, God is about to do something new in MY life and that started with me laying down my idols.  And He is doing something new in MY FAMILY'S life!  He is sweeping in even now, and causing new life to grow.  He is breathing life on our mission, our lives, on our future.  New life, abundant life, fresh and renewed life - He is bringing it all to us right now, FOR HIS GLORY.  I believe He is doing something big IN us and also FOR us, which is incredibly exciting - especially when you've been crying out to your Father for new life for so long.

I don't know what the Lord is going to do, although He has given me glimpses through my Spirit.  He is so good to do that.  If you want to see him move right in front of you, in nature or even in your dreams, ask Him, Sweet Friend!  He WILL do it as He has done for me.  I can tell you that I feel completely safe and secure in what God will do.  I can trust Him as I know He has created me and formed me, and He knows our needs and the desires of our hearts.  He is going to fulfill some of those in this upcoming season of life for the McLaughlins and I cannot wait to share with you what He has done!  

Oh, Father!  Thank you for this precious time away with you!  My heart is full of gladness because you have come to me and applied the precious balm of your Word to my dry and broken Spirit.  Thank you for my family and bless them a thousand fold for the many sacrifices they made so that I could get away and focus on my relationship with you.  Thank you for my family who opened their home and hearts and showered me with love while I was away and for allowing me to feel safe, secure and at peace.  I do not take those feelings for granted, Father.  

YOU are so good, God.  Thank you for allowing me to enjoy your beautiful creation and for giving me the time to sit and listen to you.  Continue to speak to my heart, Lord.  I will continue to lay down my idols before your throne because I want YOU and all of the many things you have designed for me.  I want what is best for me and for my family.  I WANT TO BE WELL and I want my family to be well.  Thank you for bringing us safely through to this point, for your endless forgiveness and for your gracious and continuous healing of our hearts.  

Such a warm welcome home!

"But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen! Thus says the Lord who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you: Fear not, O Jacob my servant, whom I have chosen.  For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour out my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessings on your descendants.  They shall spring up among the grass like willows by flowing streams.  This one will say, 'I am the Lord's', another will call on the name of Jacob, and another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's', and name himself by the name of Israel."  

Isaiah 44:1-5

Happy Updates!

I was hoping that this post would be from me on the beach somewhere, or maybe from my home AFTER I had been to the beach. I can get-away to any type of place and enjoy myself, but to me, BEACH=PEACE.  I am still hoping to get out of town for a couple of days to recharge.  I think it's super important for everyone to take time to recharge, although I know it can't always look like a physical get-away.  I've never done anything like this before, so I'm a littler nervous . . . but WAY excited.


Folks, I am happy to say that Henry has joyfully completed his testing at the school!!  Last weekend we were able to tweak some meds and since then, we've seen more and more of OUR Henry coming out.  It's beautiful to watch your child transform so quickly, right before your eyes, especially when they are changing in ways that you've been praying for!  Your prayers, texts and messages concerning Henry have encouraged us in ways that I cannot fully put into words.  Please, please pray that the Father would continue to allow the real Henry to be here with us, and not a Henry consumed with rage and violence.


Mike and I have been praying so intently concerning moving - especially moving before the next school year begins.  We can comfortably stay in our home right now, without a doubt, and we love our home.  But, we would also love for Henry to be at Wayland Bonds, where begs me to place him next year.  I do think that his equates it to stability because he attended there in pre-k.  Even today, Henry was talking so much about Ellie's death and how he really wants a fresh start with "new friends and new teachers and new schools".  I cannot promise this to Henry because I don't know what the Father has planned.  I do admit that the Dream House is still in the back of my mind (okay, it's actually in the front, or maybe the middle).  The back yard I've always dreamed of looks a lot like the back yard of the Dream House, and today we drove by a hammock and I immediately thought of how lovely that hammock would be out under the shade trees in that gorgeous backyard.

This is what I DO know and why I DO have peace:  God owns a cattle on a thousand hills and He is certainly able to work things to where we can afford that house, if He wants us to be in it!  He will move mountains, if that's His plan.  But if it's not, He still has amazing plan for us here in this house!  It will be beautiful to watch His plan unfold, whatever that might be.  In the meantime, we will start fixing things that need to be fixed in order for us to sell our house - whether it's for this school year or for next, we WOULD like to move over to the area I've mentioned (It just may not be to the Dream House).  SO much to do . . .

We've had several folks come in and help us with things in our home to make it more accessible for the Girls.  I have no problems in telling you that although it was donated, suggested and given to us without our initiative, our shower WAS NOT DONE CORRECTLY!!  It is an absolute mess, people.  We knew they left it unfinished, that much is quite obvious.  We called many, many times, but they never came back to do it, not even to clean it up.  NOW, we have a shower that is leaking into our closet.  EEK!!  And on the other side of the closet is Lucy's room, and she doesn't need to be exposed to mold - none of us do!  I guess I am saying that we need a contractor or builder to step in (I'm guessing NOT a plumber bc that's who came in to build the shower for us in the first place).  Mike plans on making a few calls in hopes of  hiring some very talented friends to do the work.

Whew!  I need a vacation from writing all of this tonight!  Be blessed tonight, Dear Ones.  You are so loved by the McLaughlins.  You are so appreciated and so needed.  We could not and CAN NOT get through this roller-coaster without your constant assistance and encouragement.  I mean that with all of my heart, so thank you for keeping us going.

Much Love,

Ryan