Morning Has Broken!

My heart is overcome with gratefulness, spilling over with joy!  No, we did not win the lottery or fall into some lofty inheritance.   Mercy who has brought me to this place, allowing heavy, dark concrete to fall off my body, mind and spirit at this moment in time.  This joy isn't because of anything I've done, but I am more grateful for these moments than years of "thank you's" and praises could ever express!  

 

The Spirit speaks to me so often through song. Some may remember the old ballad of Cat Stevens' about a breathtaking morning, the peace so tangible, it dances like a mist over the meadow; the delicate birds begin to sing the songs God placed inside them. 

"Morning has broken like the first morning

Blackbird has spoken like the first bird

Praise for the singing

Praise for the morning

Praise for them springing fresh from the world" 

- Cat Stevens 

For the last thirteen years of our roller-coaster Journey, one desperate song has continually played in my mind, body and spirit.  God placed words in my mouth at the beginning, when Ellie Kate was in the PICU as a newborn, as the doctors told us she would likely die that very night.  I had no words - groanings too deep for words.  Some of you know exactly what I mean.   I only remember the chorus, but maybe that's all I'm supposed to have stamped upon my heart . . .  

"Oh, Lord Jesus, Come quickly to me!" 

 

 

But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

Romans 8:25-27

At times in recent years, I've felt empty and broken, as if a piece of me were missing - a piece I needed to keep going.  During the trials and heartaches of this life, every single one of those feelings is normal.  Every feeling is okay to have, to FEEL.  Don't be ashamed of those feelings - there is nothing to be ashamed of, Dear One.  You are human; God made you with feelings and created you in a way to express them. 

 

There are no magic words, no specific Christian book to read or Study to go through; your heart and mind won't change when you hope or "wish" it away.  No, it comes in the Lord's timing.  He may give you this joy and freedom DURING a struggle, or He may do so in between the seemingly constant trials.  All we can do, all we MUST do as Believers, is SURRENDER - surrender over and over, our hearts always bent before God. 

 

Your Father WILL sweep in and show Himself in your life, even in the midst of the heaviest trial.  He is, "Mighty to save", continually moving mountains on behalf of His beloved Children (even if we don't see them).  

 

 "The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; 

he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; 

he will exult over you with loud singing".

Zephaniah 3:17

 

Our God continually PROMISES to make ALL things work out for YOUR GOOD (and the good of your children, spouse, family), and for HIS GLORY.  As followers of Christ, what more could we want in this life than for God to be glorified through our lives and the lives of our children, AND for Christ to get the glory for everything?!? 

 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare 

and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

 

This is God’s Word on the subject: “As soon as Babylon’s seventy years are up and not a day before, 

I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. 

I know what I’m doing. 

I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, 

plans to give you the future you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 (MSG)

 
Oh, Father!  Thank you for this glimpse of happiness, joy and sweet expectation!  Thank you for relieving my heavy burdens, even if only for a moment!  How grateful I am to breathe so lightly, to rest so deeply and freely, knowing I can trust YOU with everything.  Life will always be difficult.  I will continue to live in survival mode because of our circumstances, however, YOU are there.  I find hope and peace, knowing you are using all of this for the good of my children, my family.  How humbled I am that YOU would be glorified in me, a broken and sinful human.  When I'm next in the darkness; if the heaviness of these trials once again dims my spirit, may I remember the feather-weight of these days.  

 

I Surrender, 

Ryan

 

CONNER is enjoying his freshman year at Westmoore and is working hard, playing on the soccer team.  High school is a whole new world, but we are incredibly proud of the young man Conner continues to be - tender-hearted, affectionate, witty, helpful with his sisters and patient with his brother. His life brings peace, balance and LAUGHTER to our Home.  I'm so grateful for Conner (or, 'Boy' as Bowen calls him). 

BIG grin from Henry - looking up to Big Bub

 

HENRY has been initiating his schoolwork and chores, showing more and more of the "Real Henry" we know and have missed.  He's growing more responsible and even more affectionate, hanging on to every verbal affirmation that comes his way.  Henry has changed for the BETTER since his IVIG treatment last fall, and we've seen a HUGE difference in his life.  His life is more calm and steady, without as many highs and lows.  He is able to eat and has gained back the weight lost last summer due to PANDAS symptoms.  Henry's playing soccer again this year and has played every game in it's entirety (without taking a mental break , quick walk to calm his mind, not even a break for reassurance from me!  This is HUGE.  I hope to update more on Henry soon.  In the meantime, THANK YOU for praying for our Sweet Boy.  Thank you for giving, helping to provide a way for him to go to D.C., paying for his IVIG treatment - a treatment which has clearly changed his little life for the better! 

Look at the smiles on those faces!

 

BOWEN is a light and complete JOY!  Speaking in sentences now, we take great delight in hearing her speak, which happens to be quite often.  Bowie is athletic and is now obsessed with our "mamboleen" (trampoline).  She's small for her age, which just adds to the fun for me, as I want her to stay a baby as long as possible:).  Bowie Jane is just as strong-willed as our other kids, and has recently said, "Mommy, YOU MUST obey me!", "Mommy, PLEASE, no talk, no sing (I like to hum and sing around the house)".  She's graduated from "Bubba" to "Enry" (Henry), although she still goes back and forth on those.  My parent's dog is named, "Duggah" (Sugar) and Lucy's name is not only "Sissy", but also, "Juicy" (Lucy).  She enjoys singing, "Lucy, My Belle" with me - a favorite of "Juicy's", which PawPaw Stan would sing to her often.  Mike and I can't imagine life without Bow, and the boys often say the same.  

Joyous Bowen!

 

LUCY is growing, which is wonderful!  A year ago at this time, Lucy was so still ill and thin; she barely had energy to move at all on her own, something she loves to do.  Now, she's weighing heavier than ever, which is a MIGHTY blessing!!  Her energy level amazes us, although she still literally falls asleep anytime, in any place, in any position (she's a flexible pretzel due to the affect NKH has on her muscle tone).  She's moving more and more on her own, pulling herself up to her knees.  We haven't seen Lucy this happy and have not heard her giggle this much, since she was an infant.  It is a GIFT we don't take for granted.  

Happy Day at the Park!

 

Mike and I have counted approximately 30 urinary tract infections, which Lucy has had in her seven short years on earth.  This is heartbreaking to us and, through many tests over the last several years, we know Lucy retains her urine and the retaining is only worsening, instead of getting better.  The medications we've tried have not worked.  Lucy's still often in pain and at times, in her own way, can show/tell us what's hurting.  I know how excruciatingly painful my Intercystial Cystitis can be, and I fully believe that is how Lucy feels, likely even worse.  I can't imagine a child in such pain.

 

Even though Lucy is on Palliative Care, we have decided, with her specialists, it would be best to place a permanent catheter.  Most of the time, surgery wouldn't be done on someone on Hospice or Palliative Care, but we all agree this step is a MUST for keeping Lucy as pain-free and happy as possible. The catheter will allow us to drain Lucy's urine as needed, preventing retention, which in turn, helps to prevent bacteria growth, which in turn, eliminates or limits the amount of infections, which in turn, makes a happy and healthy Lucy Belle!  She will have to go "under" and be placed on a ventilator during the surgery, something we are extremely nervous about, as there is no assurance Lucy will wake up from that state.  We've never chartered this territory before; EK never had bladder issues, so it will be a new learning experience for us all.  Surgery is set for the end of April.  

Thank you for praying.  Thank you for loving.  Thank you for supporting us, in so many ways. We'll keep you posted.

Kisses to Last a Lifetime

The true question which fills my heart and mind is this: 

How many more kisses will I get to give 

before Lucy takes her last breath on earth? 

How long do I have to study her face, her hands, 

those most perfect lips and movie-star eyelashes?  

When will be my last time to see and kiss on those 

 cute little earlobes and dimpled hands!

 I don't have enough time left on earth 

to give My Lucy Belle ALL of the millions of 

kisses I truly long to give her in this lifetime. 

"Time" is a true thief; it steals the most precious of things, and I know you can relate.  

I find comfort in this:  God's infallible Word,  offers Eternal Life awaiting ALL children, all of those with profound disabilities AND all of those who've surrendered their life to Christ, asking Him to the be the King and Lord of their life!  

Even in knowing Lucy will soon meet Jesus and come face to face again with Ellie Kate (can you even begin to imagine what that will be like?!), My human, broken and motherly-heart still wonders and wails in so many ways.  Even as a Believer who knows where I will spend eternity, who KNOWS where my Daughters will spend eternity and that they will be completed, perfect, whole, without any pain, without any sickness, without any fear or tears or hunger or confusion . . . even still my heart cries out . . . 

Would you give me MORE and MORE and MORE times with Lucy

and special opportunities to hold her, love on her and sing to her, 

telling her stories about Heaven?

Will you go before us and provide in supernatural ways?

Will you comfort Lucy even now, preparing her heart, body and mind - her Most Precious Spirit for what YOU have in store, Lord?  

We see the signs and know them too well.  We told Lucy we would fight for her life as long as her body told us to keep fighting but now, just as Ellie Kate's body did, Lucy's is showing us how tired it is and how incapable it is of working correctly.  Hardly any wet diapers.  

No bowel movements, even with Senna (laxative given twice daily) plus daily enemas).  Almost constant state of sleep.  Twitching and seizing and muscles moving in a bizare fashion.  Her food and medicine doesn't go through her belly well and isn't absorbed.  Still, she screams and cries, even with pain medication.  Still, she screams when she even sees me bringing a syringe of formula over to her because she's anticipating the hurt.  

How much longer, Oh Lord will the suffering endure?  
Will you take it out of our hands?  

 Truly, My HOPE is in YOU, Lord from where my Help comes from!  
You reign in Heaven and on Earth and I am so unworthy of your goodness, your mercy, your provision, 
and your gentle hand with Lucy and with the other children.  

Please continue your mercy, Most Holy God.  Please continue to pour yourself out to us in this busy time, this confusing time, 
this space in time which is hard to understand - 
a space in time which I thought would be so far away, God. 
 I don't know how it can be, but I CHOOSE to trust you.  
I CHOOSE to take your cup and drink it. 
Not MY Will but YOURS be done!

 Oh, how I want to kiss Lucy's sweet, tiny feet (which are almost as big as Bowen's)!  I want to kiss the nape of her neck a million times over, to get a little kiss and breathe in her heavenly scent.  I want to kiss every dimple in her hand and then do it again a thousand times over! 

Those perched lips - perfectly shaped and perfectly pink when all is well - I want to kiss them a trillion time over again and put Lucy's "make-up" on her again and again until the dryness is gone.

This life is full of things we just don't understand and sometimes we will never understand what happens to us, through us, because of us.  Tonight I find solace in knowing there is NOTHING God does not allow - there is nothing that can be done without Him knowing and approving, just as we've learned from Job.  

And 

Tonight, I also find solace in His Word - 

the ONLY true and trustworthy thing in this life . . . 

Isaiah 55:8-9

8 This plan of mine is not what you would work out, neither are my thoughts the same as yours! 9 For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than yours, and my thoughts than yours.

Isaiah 54:10-14 

10 For even if the mountains walk away and the hills fall to pieces, My love won't walk away from you, my covenant commitment of peace won't fall apart." The God who has compassion on you says so.

11 "Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied: I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise, Lay your foundations with sapphires, 

12construct your towers with rubies, Your gates with jewels, and all your walls with precious stones. 

13 All your children will have God for their teacher - what a mentor for your children! 

14 You'll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble - nothing to fear! far from terror - it won't even come close!

Care Calendar:  practical ways to assist our family

Helping Hands account: financial support

Where Is the Compassion?

This last month has been filled with incredible highs and desperate lows for my family and for many who are dear to us.  Our NKH Family lost three children in one week alone, with several more doing poorly, even close to death. 

Even more personally, I've watched several mommas whom I dearly love, make tough decisions for their medically fragile children, some facing unexpected and life-threatening set-backs within a 24hr time period.  Hope Link has four children home on hospice at this time and one precious boy on the ventilator in a local PICU. 

During this time, I've seen the most beautiful Compassion unfold before me, with people loving those who are hurting, in tangible ways.  I've seen friends AND strangers serving those who are hurting.  I've also seen many missed opportunities to show for Compassion, in my own life and in the lives of many around me.  Because of that, I believe God has opened my eyes to Compassion because really, apart from Him, we have none.  He's sparked within me the desire to dive a bit deeper into "Compassion" itself, and I'd like to share with you a few things I've learned along the way (I do so hope you'll stay along until the end of this blog!).


Compassion (Meriam Webster): a sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

Compassion is when one person looks upon another person's heartache, hardship or grief; all with a desire to put an end to that heartache, hardship or grief,

OR to find a solution for it. 

Compassion isn't just feeling pity for someone's distress; it's not only feeling sympathy, not only weeping alongside them as they endure that distress.  No, compassion means you are SO deeply moved by what you see someone else going through, that you jump to help in any way possible - leaving your own comfort, desires and plans behind.  It's giving of yourself, your time and talents, all to better someone else; to help them through and to carry a burden along with them.

Here's the Thing . . .

Every Believer; every individual who has called Jesus, "Lord",

every Follower of Christ WILL posses and even practice compassion. 

They will also given opportunities to practice Compassion, even on a daily basis. 

Colossians 3:12English Standard Version (ESV)

^12 "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts,

kindness, humility, meekness, and patience".

It's my opinion that not every Believer finds compassion easy, although some really do - that is where the Holy Spirit and His giftings come in.  HOWEVER, as God's Children we are ALL called to LIVE out Compassion, He can and WILL give each of us the strength and ability to show and relay compassion to those around us who are hurting! 

• Christian = Compassion - God will always place it within the heart of the Believer and will give them ample opportunities to live it out for fellow Believers, and for the World around them!
• Compassion isn't just something we are called to practice when it's convenient.  Only helping when it's convenient isn't "compassion" at all.
• Within Christ's "Compassion", we find mercy, love, forgiveness and more, just as shown in Scripture.  He calls us to "put on" or "choose" to act in those specific ways (see Col 3:12).
•  Compassion is something we RUN toward, not away from, just as Christ in His compassion, has seen our distress and has come (and still comes) to us.
• Compassion is a trait of JESUS. In turn, it should be a trait of EVERY Believer. 
• Compassion is one of the main themes of The GOSPEL, and is seen throughout both the Old and New Testament.  is FULL and overflowing with examples of compassion 

Romans 12:20 To the contrary,“if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Matthew 14:14(ESV)¹⁴ When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

Romans 12:20(ESV)
²⁰ To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.”

2 Corinthians 1:2-4(ESV)
² Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

2 Corinthians 3:12 (ESV), Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

Are you living a life of Compassion? 
Do you scroll past those lamenting, sorrowful or "needy" posts on social media? 
Do you turn a blind eye to the neighbor who needs help with her trash cans?
Do you look for ways to show compassion during your day? 
Can you think of ways you've shown compassion recently? 
Does Compassion come easy for you, or is it difficult? 

Once you see how recklessly God loves you;

once you experience His goodness, mercy and forgiveness

in radical ways, and once you've been in a position

to need HIM and ONLY Him to meet your needs,

you will get a FULL taste of how

beautiful Compassion can be!

Friends, I know the updates from family's like ours aren't always happy or full of bliss, and I'm the first to admit that must get old! Some Believers can't stand the monontany of sorrow and pain because it's uncomfortable and "brings them down too".  Others may think, "Didn't they JUST ask for help or prayer?" or, "Seriously? Haven't we heard enough about that grief and heartache!?". However, I encourage you to REACT and ACT with compassion, above all else.  If it's hard for your heart to get there, try putting yourself in the shoes of those who've been called to live these life situations. 

If you've found yourself  feeling some of the things listed above OR

Maybe your heart isn't naturally tender;

your reaction isn't always to run in and relieve or revive.

Perhaps you're afraid of taking too much time away from your

business or your family, even hobbies which are important to you; 

with a humble heart, I suggest doing the following . . .  

• Surrender your ALL to His Lordship - 
• Give Him everything you have (possessions, good name, position)
• Give Him everything you are (personality, background/past, spiritual gifs)
• Give Him everything you hope to be (dreams and desires)
• Ask God to reveal His precious Compassion toward you:
• Ask Him to clearly show you His INFATHOMABLE love, mercy and forgiveness for YOU. 
• Pray that He would overcome you with His love, mercy and forgiveness. 
• Ask God to FILL you with Compassion -Ask Him to fill every part of your body, mind and spirit with His Compassion, Mercy, Love, Kindness, Forgiveness and MORE!
  

•  Ask The Father to give you opportunities - Ask Him to give you opportunities to practice and show Compassion, to live it out toward others. 

Surely, it's more evident now than ever before, that our world is broken. 

Our hearts are broken. 

We are broken as communities. 

We are broken as churches. 

We are broken as The Church. 

The World needs LIGHT, they need compassion, mercy, love, forgiveness, freedom, and all of the many other things Our Jesus brings to us!  The way for the World to SEE that Light is through us, Believers, Followers of Christ.  It's time to set aside selfish gain and pride, and step up and out, LIVING compassionate lives for all to see!  Let's go out there and give them the Compassion Christ so freely extends to us, every moment of every day.


I'm so grateful for the Great Compassion He has shown to me!

Ryan

*****************************************************************************
Practical Ways to Help/Serve a Family in Crisis:
(medically fragile, special needs, death, and more)

I encourage you NOT to say, "Call me if you need anything"; though it may be a sincere offer, the person in distress and crisis is already overwhelmed and deciding what they need you to do or what would be the most helpful, can be daunting. 

Instead, suggest a day and time you are already available to help, offering to do something specific that's easy for you or that you already enjoy.  For example: Hey, Susie!  I'd love to do laundry for you this week, if it will be of help!  The easiest day for me is on Wed.  May I pick up your laundry then? 

Below, there is a list of things in which you can put into practice what you've learned above by offering to do something you know you are able to consistently do or follow-through with.  It's also really fun and special to have things done without your knowledge.  May the Spirit lead you in loving and serving the world around you! 

• meals - frozen or fresh
• snacks - for the hospital or home
• mow their lawn/do their lawn work (with permission or without)
• bring up trash cans from the curb each week so they don't have to worry about them
• babysitting
• fellowship - offer to come hang out or invite them over to your place
• gift cards - for groceries and toiletries, restaurants and even for places you know they enjoy
• plant flowers in their flower beds (with permission)
• small gifts for the children involved - helping to make sure they feel loved during this time of distress
• and MORE:)!

 

Man of Sorrows

Sometimes I feel as though I am "Debbie Downer" when I post.  You know, the lovable (sarcasm) SNL character who always brought the room down with her depressing lines?  Ya'll, I certainly do NOT want to be a Debbie Downer, not in any way, shape or form.  And I want to fiercely apologize if I come across that way.

The woman in this photo is NOT Ryan McLaughlin

The truth is, we have lots of wonderful times as a family!  We have SO many blessings - food, a home, vehicles, medical insurance, a job, etc, etc, etc.  We have SO much to be grateful for, and everyday I really and truly have a grateful heart.  I have seen God's goodness and I know His heart is tender towards us.  In fact, this week has included an OU game, birthday parties, Community Group, sleepovers with grandparents, and a date night!  This Blog is my journal though, and sometimes you write your deepest, most heart-felt thoughts down in your journal, and those thoughts and feelings aren't always pretty; actually, they rarely are because they are raw.  Truth is raw and real and messy, so that's what you often see here in my words. For that, I will not apologize.

A few weeks ago I was thinking about all of those hurting, those who have experienced loss and grief.  My heart is often so very heavy for others.  One of my spiritual gifts is Mercy, so I long to connect with people and let them know that they aren't alone.  Sometimes though, this can get you in a place where you are mostly, if not entirely, surrounded by hard stuff.  Remember that truth is raw and messy, right?  Same with life.  Real life and struggles can be most disheartening for those going through dark times and for those who are around them, trying to love them through it, becoming emotionally attached and involved.  Let's be real.  Life is messy for ALL of us. 

Mercy- "kindness or help given to people who are in a very bad or desperate situation" - Merriam Webster

But here's the thing . . . Jesus had a heart of mercy too.  He created mercy after all, and He places it in our hearts for others because He wants us to be His hands and His feet.  And did you know that Jesus was called "The Man of Sorrows"?  He was so wrapped up in the hurt of others; He was so heavy-hearted for those around Him who were hurting, that He literally was called "The Man of Sorrows".  

Isaiah 53:2-4, "For He grew up before Him like a tender shoot, And like a root out of parched ground; He has no stately form or majesty That we should look upon Him, Nor appearance that we should be attracted to Him. 3He was despised and forsaken of men, A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; And like one from whom men hide their face He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. 4Surely our griefs He Himself bore, And our sorrows He carried; Yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, Smitten of God, and afflicted.…"

I am not claiming to be Jesus, Friends (Oh, I am SO far from that, you don't even know!), but I do know this:  when we give our lives and our hearts to Jesus Christ, He makes us tender towards others.  He allows us to mourn with those who mourn and weep with those who weep.  He calls us to do that as Believers - that's how He wants it to be!  And that means that sometimes, we are sorrowful and may seem surrounded by sorrow.  But don't let that dishearten you - it is a quality of Christ and one that we are called to! 

During these times when I see so many hurting and struggling, Scripture breathes life into my Spirit as I remember that Jesus promises to be with us.  Jesus promises that He has overcome the world, and THAT is something we can all rejoice in!  

John 16:33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

No matter what I'm facing, what my friend is facing, or what I am facing with/for/alongside of my friend, God has overcome and WILL be glorified.  

May you find peace in these truths tonight - 

Ryan 

A Raw Look at Reckless Love

Warning:  This is NOT a happy post, but a post to make you think and dig deep.  It's a true picture of my heart, and I'm afraid it's not pretty, but rather a very messy place at this time.  I promise that there is a lesson to be learned, and I assure you it comes straight from the depths of my heart.

I consider myself a "feeler"; I feel as though I am in tune with other's people's emotions and needs, even though I readily admit that I don't always follow through in loving other the way God wants me to.  I am a "Mercy" person, and my heart often hurts too much for others (although I'd choose this as a fault over others for sure!).  I hurt for people and I long for people to understand me and for me to understand other people.

But, what do you do (as a 'Feeler/Mercy') when your heart and your head are so mixed up that nothing makes sense?  You see, I've learned that stress and grief and loss take a toll on your body.  I mean, they really and truly take a toll on your body.  David wasn't kidding when he spoke in the Psalms about his heart and body failing him.  My heart, my body, my emotions are failing me.

For example, since Ellie's death, I have had something called Grief Eye.  It's a true condition that stems from your eyes producing too many tears.  It causes blurry vision and sometimes even pain in your eyes.  I've had GI issues that have inflamed, and I often can't keep food down or in my body.  My migraines (which I've always had) have flared to an all-time high.  And my heart - well, I have severe heart palpitations and I also have been diagnosed with Hypertension (in my case, extreme high blood pressure).  All of these things are because of grief.  Did you know that your mind is even affected by grief?  Your seratonin levels can get incredibly low; so low, that you don't understand or see the world clearly.  It's not just depression.  It affects the entire body, including the mind.  That's how God created us.  When our heart, spirit and soul are violently broken, our body responds in crazy and amazing and often devastating ways. 

Hang in with me, Friends because there IS a lesson in all of this sharing of my heart.  Just keep reading . . . 

I had no idea how this Thanksgiving would affect me.  We packed for a little family trip, and as I got out the gloves and hats, I saw Ellie's things right there with the rest of them.  Oh, that sweet little hat that I had saved for Christmas last year (Hello Kitty).  Why didn't I give her that little hat early?  And those sweet little gloves that never stayed on her busy hands.  Her coats still hang in the coat closet.  I bought her a new one last year because she had grown so much.  I wish she had been able to wear it more.  I didn't know.  We didn't know that last year would be Ellie Kate's last Thanksgiving on earth.  The boys say it was the best Thanksgiving ever, and in many ways I would agree.  I just wish I hadn't taken it for granted.

And as we drove to our destination several hours away, I cried almost the entire time.  I cried that Ellie wasn't with us.  I cried that she wouldn't get to see or play with her cousins.  I cried that she wouldn't get to experience our time together surrounded by the beauty of God's creation.  

During our short time away, I cried that she wasn't there.  I cried in gratefulness when our family brought up her name.  I took some walks, and I took a drive (which my close family will tell you is the way I deal with things when I need to get away, as I no longer can 'work out' or run it out because of my heart issues).  I let my emotions get the best of me.  

It just all became truly REAL. You see, God blessed us with something very bittersweet.  In less than a month's time, we will celebrate and remember many things.  We will celebrate Ellie Kate's birthday.  We will remember that last hospital stay.  We will remember the day we met with her precious doctors as we made those terribly hard decisions that no parent should have to make (not a dry eye in the room, mind you). We will remember the incredibly precious moment when all of Ellie's beloved nurses came out and cheered for her as we left the hospital one last time.  We will remember the day we brought EK home on hospice.  We will celebrate my sister's birthday - the very day that we will celebrate Ellie Kate meeting Jesus face to face (He was REALLY excited to welcome her home, but that's another story).  We will remember them coming and wrapping her blue, lifeless body in a cold white sheet, carrying her out of the house and loading her in the vehicle.  We will remember them driving our girl away from our house for the last time.  We will remember the funeral preparations, the burial preparations, and even seeing her one last time at the viewing.  And then there is Christmas Eve, then Christmas, then the day of Ellie Kate's Celebration of Life, then the day of the private burial.  All of this in less than a month.  Oh Lord, help me to accept your ways and to see your goodness in what seems so harsh!  

Finally, getting to the lesson in all of this and not just the bleeding of my heart; thank you for hanging on . . . 

I do not in any way share all of these things for you to feel sorry for me or for my family.  With all of my heart, with all of my being, I desire for good to come from our sufferings.  I desire for the world, particularly the Church as a whole, to learn to love, serve and better understand those who are truly at the bottom; those like me, who sometimes can barely find their next breath because of the pain of this life.

Right now; right in this VERY moment, think about those people around you who are hurting because of a loved one lost or because of a tragic situation; maybe that person who has been hurt so deeply by words that have been said and can't be taken back.  Think of that person you run into is undergoing chemo, and is desperately wondering how they will make it through.  Maybe it's the wife that's been abused or abandoned, or the tragedy that comes from tornadoes, fires, and other major life events.  ALL heartache can affect your body and your soul and your spirit, but the most hurt is experienced in those who have been hurt so badly that they can't see straight.  

Think about that person and GO LOVE THEM WELL.  I promise you, recognizing it and saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  REACH OUT and serve them by offering a meal or offering to babysit, clean their house, wrap their Christmas gifts.  I'm NOT asking you to do this for us, as we are surrounded by many friends and strangers who love us well.  I'm asking you to reach out to that person in your life that isn't loved well; maybe YOU haven't loved them well on purpose or out of fear.  Get over that fear and love well.  Do it for yourself.  Do it for us.  Do it in Ellie Kate's memory.  Do it because God calls us to STOP what we are doing and "mourn with those who mourn, and weep with those who weep".

BOTTOM LINE:  Grief and hurt run deeper than anything you could ever imagine.  They affect your mind, body, soul and spirit.  Use our life, use Ellie's life, as an example (or even as an epiphany or reason) to go and love well.  

Desiring to See More Reckless Love,
Ryan