Deep Calls to Deep - At My Wits End

Oh Friend, is your heart heavy? Are you at your wits end? Do your tears flow, day and night, wondering where God is in your turmoil and distress?  Do you wonder how God will provide your needs, and does it seem impossible to do so?   If you are any of these things, I AM WITH YOU.  For Ages, Believers have felt this very same way.  Look at the Disciples with their trials.  Look at the tribulation Jesus experienced in the Wilderness.  

Psalm 42:5-9 TLB

My soul is cast down within me . . . 

Deep calls to deep at all your breakers and your waves, 

the roar of your waterfalls have gone over me.  

The Lord commands his steadfast love, 

and at night his song is with me,

a prayer to the God of my life.  

I say to God, my rock:  “Why have you forgotten me . . . ?

Psalm 107:27-28, 

"They were at their wit's end.  

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, 

and he brought them out of their distress."

"Wits End Corner"
By Antoinette Wilson

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Christian, with troubled brow'
Are you thinking of what is before you, And all you are bearing now'
Does all the world seem against you, And you in the battle alone'
Remember at Wits End Corner Is where God’s power is shown.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Blinded with wearying pain
Feeling you cannot endure it, You cannot bear the strain.
Bruised through the constant suffering Dizzy and dazed, and numb
Remember at Wits End Corner, Is where Jesus loves to come.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Your work before you spread?
Or lying begun, unfinished And pressing on heart and head.
Longing for strength to do it. Stretching out trembling hands
Remember at “Wits End Corner” The burden bearer stand.

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Yearning for those you love,
Longing and praying and watching, Pleading their cause above,
Trying to lead them to Jesus Wondering if you’ve been true'
He whispers at “Wits End Corner” “I’ll win them as I won you.”

Are you standing at “Wits End Corner” Then you’re just in the very spot.
To learn the wondrous resources Of Him who faileth not!
No doubt to a brighter pathway Your footsteps will soon be moved
But only at Wits End Corner Is the God who is able, “proved.”

When Ellie Kate was born the song, "I will Praise You in this Storm," came out.  I remember my Precepts teacher playing it in class, singing it over me and physically holding me close.  With all of my heart and soul, I believed our "Storm" would soon pass.  I was realistic, of course.  My Daughter had a terminal genetic disorder but, I was sure the Storm wouldn't last forever.  And yet, here we are, still in what feels like the very middle of the storm, not anywhere close to the end; not anywhere close to the shore, to calm waters, to the day when the heaviness is all-together lifted.  

I don't understand why the "Storm" still lingers.  In my weakness, when my heart is weary, as it has been these last weeks, I find myself wondering if it truly will ever come to an end.  YES, God provides.  YES, He is still God and He provides and holds us; yet, the Storm continues to rage and it's so easy to get lost in the sorrow, heartbreak and unknown of what that is.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way.  I cling to this knowledge: God too has tasted such Storms, in the human form of His Son, Jesus.  Even Jesus asked His Father to "take this Cup from me . . . " knowing the brutal beatings, crucifixion and earthly death would be too much for Him to bear.  

Lord, brand this TRUTH on our hearts . . . 

• Until He brings us out of our distress and heartache, He has promised to be with us and to never forsake us.  The GOD of Creation, who knows the number of hairs on your head, has promised not to let you walk this heavy road alone.  To me, what's even better than that, is the promise God will draw us closer to Him through the deep waters, no matter how long they last.  

• It is THERE, in the deepest of deep, in the hardest of hard, when there seems no end to heartache and distress, where GOD draws us ever-so-close to HIM.  It doesn't happen when everything's going right or when you don't have reason to depend upon God.  It doesn't happen when you are in "control" of your schedule, finances, and plans.  It happens when you walk through the DEEP, when you cry out to God for His intervention.

Even if the Storm doesn't stop, even if the Storm doesn't seem to ease up immediately, or gets worse . . . we CAN trust Him.  I am learning to CHOOSE to trust and CHOOSE to believe, even when it feels impossible.  In these times, may we ask Our God, "I believe, help my unbelief," Mark 9:24.

Jesus, your ways are always higher than mine.  You know my past and future; you know what is best for me, for my marriage, for my children.  YOu've felt human heartache and you know it deeply.  I choose to give you my Storm and I ask you to be in control, to take it and use it for YOUR glory.  Father, I ask you to use our Storms to take me deeper with you, to develop my character and the character of my family.  I ask you to be glorified, for that is the main purpose of your Children here on earth - to know you and make you know.  Even when I don't understand, even when I fight against the plans you allow and cause, I CHOOSE to believe you will cause it all for OUR good and for YOUR glory.  

May our storms and lives bless you, even if we don't understand!
Ryan

Psalm 107:27-32 The Message (MSG)

23-32 Some of you set sail in big ships;
    you put to sea to do business in faraway ports.
Out at sea you saw God in action,
    saw his breathtaking ways with the ocean:
With a word he called up the wind—
    an ocean storm, towering waves!
You shot high in the sky, then the bottom dropped out;
    your hearts were stuck in your throats.
You were spun like a top, you reeled like a drunk,
    you didn’t know which end was up.
Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;
    he got you out in the nick of time.
He quieted the wind down to a whisper,
    put a muzzle on all the big waves.
And you were so glad when the storm died down,
    and he led you safely back to harbor.
So thank God for his marvelous love,
    for his miracle mercy to the children he loves.
Lift high your praises when the people assemble,
    shout Hallelujah when the elders meet!

Heartcry - I Don't Have It Figured Out

Literally, I have started and stopped this blog about ten times  So much to update you on since my last, long-ago post and so much share from what God is teaching me, and though it's the heartache part of it all which I don't want to bog you down with, I know in my heart I need to share where we are in a short, simple way (at least to the best of my ability).  It needs to be said and read and heard because WE are not the only ones going through such difficult, hard to understand things.  So, WARNING:  this will be an honest and brutal pen; a raw, post, to say the least.  I hope you can bear with me . . .

I wish I could tell you that we had it all figured out - for Lucy, for Henry, for the finalization of Bowen's adoption, but I can't.  We are struggling, more than ever before, and there are many feelings which have risen up with that that and really, I don't understand.

• WHY, after 11yrs within the special needs and medically fragile community, has it not changed?  WHY doesn't it get better?  WHY does it continue to get worse?  
• WHAT can we do to make things better for our family - to start new and fresh?  
• WHAT's the next move for Henry's treatment and how the heck do we get there?  
• HOW do we comfort and treat Lucy Belle?  
• HOWdo we continue to love Our Conner Michael well?  
• HOW do we survive this as a family because it's getting harder and harder to do.  

There are even more complicated questions too, such as have we not heard from nor seen dear friends, those we've walked through fire with, because they are tired of us?  Do once former friends and mentors now heavily sigh when they hear of our struggles because of the length of it all?  Is it "too much" to be our friends or to walk alongside us (I most certainly could understand)?  Do they question the decisions we've made or what we say on social media?  Is that the cause of the silence and what seems like abandonment in many ways?  

And, where is God in all of this?  

We have NO idea why things have AND haven't changed, despite our best efforts, despite our faith, despite our outcries, despite our research.  Why do things seem to get worse for Lucy and especially, why do they get worse for Henry when he is the child God so sweetly promised to me?  

We are desperate for God to start us fresh and new and we want big-time details and directions which can only come from God,  Will you heal us?  Will you start us fresh in every way?

Father, what's stopping us from moving forward to something BETTER or EVEN just something as easily as hard?  Different.  Just something different - something we are all longing for.   And really, Lord, WHY can't we get there - to that brand new start?  It doesn't have to be perfect; this life is so heavy and we need a break and to see YOUR face!  

The gift of relief, of joy, happiness, newness, renewal, provision and more . . . Lord, why not us?  Even Job was given a new start as well as King David, and though we are far from their level, couldn't we also be given the slightest of clean starts with our home, environment, treatment and more?  

Isn't 11 years enough?

I've related so much to Job recently (and have learned a ton from his story as well - hopefully, to post soon), and I'm infinitely grateful to know that my FAITH has NOTHING to do with the circumstances I am in nor the evils which come my way.  

Job 7:11English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;

I actually like the “realness” of The Message version even better . . .

Job 7:11The Message (MSG)

¹¹“And so I’m not keeping one bit of this quiet"

When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
    my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
    and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
    and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
    Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
    and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
    and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
    nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
    Why have you made me your mark?
    Why have I become a burden to you?

Job too, the man of God that he was, 
also lamented, and did so in very outward, public ways.  
This is why I no longer cringe at the thought of sharing the heartache of a special-needs or medically-fragile life.  

If a man whom God deemed to be faithful and righteous can lament over the losses suffered likely over several months, then why can't I lament as well?

I'm having to choose, admittedly many times not-so-willingly, 

to do the following . . . 

• Trust God as we start palliative care for Lucy Belle and seek help in her treatment
• Trust God as we seek out of state PANDAS help for Henry
• Trust God for provision of that help for Henry
• Trust God to keep Conner safe and secure, living the most "normal" life as possible
• Trust God to heal our family from the many heartaches we've faced
• Trust God to bring respite and relief; a new start - a desire He's placed in the hearts of us all.  

Job 19:28 ESV

Job’s words . . .

Behold, I cry out, ‘Violence!’ but I am not answered;

But even in ALL of these things, Job ends this chapter like THIS:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,

Job knew that His Helper, the One in Control of ALL THINGS, was indeed in control, despite the circumstances and despite how he may have felt at the time.  

He knows too that in the end, once this earthly suffering DOES indeed end

and on the day of that suffering-ending,

Job’s eyes would then behold the ONE –

THE One He had dedicated His life to and all that He had.

Father, may I get to the place where Job was.  May we make it through as Job did.  May you restore us and redeem to us all that was lost, just like Job. 
 You alone are our only hope.  

  

Outer Turmoil and Inner Peace

Outer Turmoil.  Likely, you feel it now too, whether it's within your family, or with the terror, madness and immense loss which has surrounded us as a Country.  It's impossible for us to escape  it - be it the death around us as a result of racial hatred or the death of a personal dream.  Precious friends of ours are mourning the deaths of their husbands, mourning deadly blows to their marriages, marking the anniversaries of children lost to disease and sickness . . . so.much.heartache and turmoil inside, outside and everywhere in-between.  

Turmoil (as defined by Merriam Webster):

 "a state or condition of extreme confusion, agitation, or commotion".  

Inner Peace.  I feel it - the Holy Spirit bringing complete peace to my own heart as I continually run to him during these uncertain times.  Peace is also in the hearts of my friends going through unthinkable heartaches.  It may come and go, but it is there because God promises it for us as Believers. Everything, and I mean everything, seems to be shaken-up and uncertain yet, somehow His peace is there, often times waiting in the silence.  

Peace (as defined by Merriam Webster):

• a state of tranquility or quiet; freedom from civil disturbance; a state of security or order within a community provided for by law or custom

• freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

• harmony in personal relations

• a state or period of mutual concord between governments; a pact or agreement to end hostilities between those who have been at war or in a state of enmity

• used interjectionally to ask for silence or calm as a greeting or farewell

Here's the thing - Merriam Webster can't define the peace that comes from God.  It's a peace that doesn't make sense who those who don't know Jesus as their Savior.  We can still be concerned with every.single.thing around us - every threat to our family physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and yet we can have a "peace that passes all understanding".  I KNOW that God can, is and WILL use ALL things to work together for MY good and for HIS glory, and the same is true for all of those who know Christ.  The world may fall around us, but we have a faithful God who is on our side, fighting for us.  There is PEACE in knowing those things, and you can have that peace too! 

Jesus tells us that we WILL have trouble in this world.  This world does NOT offer peace to us, or rather the peace that it DOES offer is quite fleeting.  

John 16:33(ESV), "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 14:27 (NLT), "I am leaving you with a gift--peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid".

Philippians 4:7 (MSG), "Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

Since Ellie Kate's death in December 2012, our family has faced many trials and much turmoil.  I don't like to think back on it too much, because it truly can be overwhelming.  My Grandmother passed away tragically and unexpectedly.  Both of Mike's grandmothers have died.  My Aunt  unexpectedly passed away and other loved ones have had serious accidents and hospital stays.  Three of our family dogs have died.  We've dealt with unexplainable heartache with Henry and have had his diagnosis of both PANDAS AND epilepsy.  We've added counseling, extra therapy and other doctor appointments to our already busy schedule.  

I've held babies who've just taken their last breath and held the hands of some dear friends as they kiss their babies for the final time, watching the funeral home coming to take away the earthly body of their precious children.  I've attended around 15 funerals since Ellie Kate's - of my own friends and of friends whose babies and even husbands, have left this world.  Mike and I had the unspeakable honor of having our lives intertwined with several of those who lost children in the 2013 Tornado here in Moore, OK. I received my Interstitial Cystitis diagnosis, and it has rocked our world as a family - more doctors, more surgeries, more pain, more therapies.  Mike had his accident where he hurt his ankle so badly in December that he is still recovering - more surgeries, more therapies, more doctors.  

More recently, we've watched my Mother on life support not once but TWICE, due to medical neglect, not knowing if she would wake and come back to be the momma that we know.  I've held her hand as she's navigated her new "normal", where her body and mind won't allow her to do what they once did.  

SO many ups and many downs, My Friends.  So  many losses - too  many to mention, really.  BUT, GOD.  GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL AND TRUE.  He has been faithful in our earthly losses.  He has been faithful in the diagnoses.  He has been faithful in the hospitalizations.  He has continued to provide, above and beyond our most basic needs.  

GOD NEVER CHANGES.  Everything, EVERYTHING around us in this world changes, but not Our Savior.  Because of Jesus, our sweet times outweigh the heartache - truly, that is ONLY because of Jesus.  

We are not the only family to face heartache and hardships; we are not the only ones who taste the effects of death, of sickness, of loss, of depression, of silence.  Everyone faces these things, and maybe YOU are facing these things now.  The only hope; OUR only hope . . . YOUR only hope . . . is Jesus Christ.  He is the lover of all Souls - red, yellow, black, and white.  He fights for ALL of us because He died for every.living.soul.  None is better than the other; all are equally precious in His sight.  

If you are facing heartache today, know that Jesus loves you.  It's not just a phrase to make you feel better.  It's the truth.  He made you.  He loves you.  He fights for you.  We must love each other and fight for each other just as He did, My Friends.  Knowing His love is the ONLY way to know peace.  

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Personal Peek . . . Very recently, we were able to head down to San Antonio to spend time with my brother and his family before they move overseas.  My beautiful sister-in-law is an Infectious Disease doctor in the military and is being stationed in Germany, while my brother has just been accepted into Oxford University (yes, my brother AND my sister are both working on their P.H.D's - I'm the slacker here).  We had a very sweet time full of rest, love and laughter. It was an incredible gift to be able to spend time together before their big move, and I'm so grateful we were able to make the trip as an entire family! I hope you enjoy some of the photos of our time away together . . . 

Lucy LOVES the pool and we someday hope to

 have one at our house so she can exercise and play daily!  

God planned it out so my Auntie Cheryl met us in Waco on the way down, 

on her 60th birthday!  What a fun treat!  

Teagan, Lucy and Liam

Precious girls with Matching Hair

Lucy LOVED Morgan's Wonderland, the special-needs amusement park in San Antonio.  It was amazing!!  Look at that smerk! 

Lucy, Lovin' Life

Our almost-teenager loved it too!

We celebrated Henry's 8th birthday as a family down in San Antonio!

Look at these smiles on the Ferris Wheel!  

Everything was handicap-accessible for Lucy - it was a dream!  

Meet, "Ruby" (our new, baby cocker spaniel).  

She loves Lucy and decided to ride on her lap most of the trip.  

Tully Cousin Time!

Magnolia Market

Precious shot of my Mom and her little Sis in Waco!