A Difficult Update

I've started and stopped this post no less than ten times.  There is so much to say, so much difficult news to share, that it's hard to even know where to start and where to stop.  So, I'm not putting it off any longer and I'm diving in and posting this evening, for better or for worse.  Bear with me and hold tight as my heart is raw and open, and I plan on laying it all out on the table . . .

Life has been extremely difficult.  Dark, heavy, heated, strained - we've felt all of those things and more over the last few months in particular.  Depression has come and gone in me, in Mike and the kids as we've faced some harsh realities.

Lucy has been suffering greatly.  She's lost weight and her body isn't working the way it needs to, nor the way that it should.  Lucy is often in immense pain and is up most nights screaming out in both pain and fear, sometimes seizures are involved and sometimes they aren't.  This marked decline in Lucy's health has come on rapidly and has included a recent hospital stay as well as doctor and ER visits, and the usual battery of tests.  We know her bladder is retaining urine which is causing some pain and we know now too that Lucy has bladder spasms.  My heart hurts for her knowing she's dealing with these things, as I too face those same diagnoses and they are super painful and frustrating - and that's for me as a typical adult!  How much more frustrating and agonizing it must be to have waves of pain you cannot describe or even seek help for?!

Happy Lucy with her Easter Basket!

Pure, Innocent JOY!

Our Sweet Girl has missed so much school this semester because of the pain and because of her sleepless, scream-filled and restless nights. We've even taken a break from our outpatient therapies which Lucy has been a part of since leaving the NICU at one month of age.  It's all just too much for LuLu, at least for now.  While I know she misses her friends and activities, I find great peace and in knowing I can help her in this way, by alleviating stressors and avoiding foreseeable pain. I get to be Lucy's mommy by doing this, by providing for her needs in these ways. 

It's hard to believe, but Lucy will be SIX at the end of September and the knowledge that Ellie Kate was barely seven when she died, hits me often now, taking my breath away more times than I can count.  We didn't think Lucy would follow after or pattern Ellie Kate in progression, but it's been noted that she very well may be rapidly progressing and declining around the same timeline as her Big Sister.  What do we do with that information?  How do we parent that, live and love through that and do it all well?

Lord, help my heart and capture my thoughts!  

LuLu and Bowie, all dolled up for Easter 

(Check out Lucy's pretty necklace, which he is so proud of here in this photo)!  

Lucy LOVES her some Bowen Jane (most of the time) - 

look at this genuine smile of happiness and LOVE!  

Henry too is suffering, although PANDAS is oh-so-different than NKH.  His MRI showed no changes in the brain malformations and though we are quite grateful for that good news, almost everything is overshadowed by the fact that PANDAS wreaks havoc on every single part of our lives - ALL of our lives and not just Henry's.  The mental illness it brings on, the confusion, the extreme OCD, the imprisoning social anxieties, the stifling separation anxiety and more - it's all VERY hard, EXTREMELY hard, SO much harder than what we deal with daily for Lucy, and I mean that in all sincerity.  

There is no true formula to follow with this new disease and we are still struggling to get in with the right doctors and to make the connections needed to overcome and survive PANDAS.  We so desperately want to do more than just survive - we want everyone in our family to get to a healthy place on the other side of this.

Yes, Lord, we SO DESPERATELY WANT to get on the other side of this, 

IF there is another side, a winning side, the OVERCOMING side.  

Easter Sunday, 2017

 

It looks like we will soon go out of state for treatment for Henry and while we don't know exactly where to go, we have been given a short list of doctors and facilities to possibly visit.  This is something we are praying hard about and asking God to miraculously open doors for appointments and tests, and asking the Lord to provide for it all, someway, somehow.  We need the Lord to move mountains, Friends and I say that with everything that I am, completely being open and honest.  We can't have Henry continuing to live in the stressful way that he is living now and we refuse to allow that stressfulness to so detrimentally affect the rest of our household.  It WILL NOT WIN.  We need God to sweep in and literally and save the day for Henry and for us as his family!  We need Him to supernaturally move in the hearts of doctors on our behalf, promptting them to see Henry, prompting them to treat Henry, prompting them HELP our Henry.  Would you pray alongside us for these things mentioned above?  

Oh, My Friends, it isn't ALL "doom and gloom", although I'm sure it seems like it's that way with our family sometimes (I'm so sorry for that, by the way).  Here are some of the GOOD things God has reminded me of and recent signs of His faithfulness: 

• Henry was seen by a new PANDAS Immunologist here in OKC recently and we are anxiously awaiting results from testing he had done with her.  We are grateful to have this opportunity here near home!  
• The New Doc has suggested IVIG treatment, which was also suggested by Henry's other specialists, so we DO have an idea of where we need to go (the direction).  This is a big deal and we are grateful to at least now have a map to follow.
• As of this week, Henry has officially finished his work with homebound services!  This is a HUGE accomplishment as daily work has been increasingly difficult to tackle.  But, Henry did it and is set to successfully go into the third grade!  YAY!
• God brought us a new "Gatekeeper" in the form of a Nurse Practitioner at the Sooner Pediatric Clinic, and she is gladly taking on our entire family (which is a big deal since we are so complicated!) and is helping us get connected with proper resources for each child.  
• Conner is wrapping up his 7th-grade year and I'm increasingly grateful for his NON-type-A personality!  
• Bowen Jane is growing like a WEED and a growing baby is a true gift - one we surely won't take for granted!  
• Mike's job is steady and he continues to love his work AND the people he works with - that is a gift we are grateful for!
• Hope Link continues to grow with new moms and families all the time with two fundraisers taking place this month alone - fundraisers that God brought to us!  God continues to show us favor and is making Hope Link all HE wants it to be, which is what we want too! 

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More on Conner . . . 

Our laid-back, eldest son now wears his daddy's shoes and has grown FOUR sizes in pants this year alone (we are now in men sizes for everything, ya'll).  Conner easily picks me up now and tries to carry me around the house, which must be some rite-of-passage for young, teenage boys and their mommas and truthfully, I don't mind it one bit.  Conner loyally loves his friends and is looking forward to the end of school, although he already has several books picked out for "summer reads". This boy of ours is turning into a man, right before our eyes and we are so proud of the tender-hearted, gentle, thoughtful, and kind young man Conner is growing into.  He adores his little sisters and has especially fallen in love with Bowen, and I often find him carrying her around the house, cradeled in his arms, and I often hear the trailings of his hilarious musings with her, as he tells Bown all about the world and current events, in a cute, high-pitched voice that I am SURE he would HATE for me to record (I better record it soon bc it's so sweet!).  

Although I do often wonder where those first-born traits of competitiveness, perfectionism, organization, etc are within Conner Mac, I am increasingly grateful for Conner's lack of need for all of those things.  Conner is exactly who he needs to be, who God created him to be, perfectly equipped for this unpredictable, messy, wildlife we live.  

More on Bowen . . . 

This Little Love will be FIVE months old on May 23rd and I can hardly believe it!  Oh, how healing Bowen Jane has been and continues to be, for our hearts and for our home, Friends!  

I had no idea just what a gift God was giving us with this precious little girl of ours and I am absolutely sure there will be layers upon layers of blessings where This Gift is concerned and I have NO doubt we will be spending the rest of our lives enjoying her and watching the blessings and gifts continue to unfold right before us.  

Everything has fallen into place and we are just waiting for our final date before the judge, when Bowen's last name will change to ours, forever.  That day will come soon but we have a few things that must be done first, including paying everything off as far as the adoption is concerned.  Although we had hoped to already have this behind us, I've learned that not much in "adoption world" is black and white or follows a certain timeline or checklist, especially since we are doing the adoption privately.  We hope to make it official very soon as we SO LONG to have the "official" part of it all behind us once and for all, forever!  

Bowen Jane, Easter 2017

Our Sweet, JOYFUL Girl at 4months 

Oh, Father!  Thank you for this MOST Precious Gift of Bowen Jane, 

this little girl we never knew we would have, but who we very much have always wanted!  

You knew the longings of our heart, Lord.  

You heard the cries from our innermost beings - the broken hearts of a daddy and a momma - 

and you've decided to LOVE us and HEAL us by giving us another Daughter in Bowen!! 

You've surely blessed us beyond what we deserve, 

so far beyond what we could ever hope or dream, Lord. 

 It has nothing to do with us and has EVERYTHING to do with YOU, 

as it is YOU who made this plan with us, with Bow's biological mom, 

and with all of the other players in our story.  

You connected us out of the blue, in YOUR timing, God. 

 You did it in unexpected ways and have continued to 

fulfill your promises to me through Isaiah.  

We give YOU the glory for all that is Bowen Jane McLaughlin!  

Lord, you've given us this Baby Girl in your perfect timing and 

we ask that you would officially bring her into our family in your perfect timing.  

You have provided for this from even before it all started, God (only MY God could do that!), 

and we trust you as you stand in control of it all now as well.  

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A few last words to encourage your heart . . . 

Maybe you are like me and you've recently endured a season of depression.  

Maybe you still are IN that depression and the weight on your chest seems to grow heavier every day.  God sees you and He sees the burdens too.  He knows they are too heavy for you to carry, so He asks that you lay them down and stop trying to carrying them on your own.  You CAN stop trying to do it all on your own. That's actually, exactly where He wants you to be - at the end of yourself.  Cry out to Him from that spot, Friend.  He is always open to you, always listening, always loving.  

Psalm 143:7-8 

Answer me quickly, O Lord! My spirit fails! Hide not your face from me, lest I be like those who go down to the pit. Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

Maybe you've found yourself hardened, maybe even bitter - 
bitter towards the broken world around you or even bitterness toward your friends, family or God.  

In this world of great heartache and brokenness, it's so easy to compare ourselves and our possessions;  it's so easy to get caught up in the trappings of this world which are already fading away.  Surely, our hearts can be hardened to stone over bitterness, jealousy, envy, strife, and anger. Allow your heart to be palpable by God, just like clay in the hands of The Ultimate Artist.  A soft heart is a beautiful, beating heart; a heart that desperately depends upon God for . . . everything.  

May this be our prayer, that God would place within us a new, tender heart that beats for Him - 

"And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart". 

Ezekiel 36:26 NLT

Dependence upon God is a BEAUTIFUL, glorious, thing! 

Allow yourself to surrender to the Father, asking Him to soften your heart and breath newness in you! Ask Him to drive out the bitterness and hardness of heart and He WILL replace it with something soft, workable and tender.   He WILL do it because He loves us more than we could possibly imagine - He loves us too much to allow us to grow stagnent and hard.  He longs for a living, breathing relationship with us, one of great dependence on our part because when we are less, HE is MORE.  

Ellie Kate's Spot
Easter 2017

Maybe you are like our family, and you've been called to leave the unfamiliar.  

We've recently found ourselves without an official "church home".  
For us, God has clearly shown that our Church Family needs to be closer to our actual home, although we've struggled with this and truly put off the Lord's leading for a few years now.  It isn't a fun (or even pleasant) place to be, searching for God's best for your family, especially when you are leaving a home (church home, physical home, actual city, state, etc) which you have dearly loved.  

If this is you, please know that all of your fears and feelings are normal and God understands them because He is the one who created feelings in the first place!  You know what, though?  You and I do not need to live in fear or allow our minds and hearts to stay there, even if you are being called to live in an unknown place (whatever that 'unknown' might be for you or for your family).  As Believers, we can rest in knowing that God WILL cause All things (even the uncomfortable, even fear, even the unknown) and He will, without a doubt, use it all for His glory.  Not only that, He will use all of those things for YOUR good as well! 

 God has your best interest at heart and you can trust Him.  

1 Peter 5:7Living Bible (TLB)7 

Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.

Maybe you are so broken and are so tired of heartache, sickness, trouble, and trials which seem to be never-ending.  
Oh, I can so relate!  

May it ease your pain and lift your spirit to know that you are in good company, Friend.  

Throughout Scripture, those nearest to the Heart of God, are often subjected to terrible loss of all kinds, including unimaginable heartache, pain, sickness, torture, and more.  

Think about the faithful men of the Old Testament - Moses, Abraham, Job, David - 

ALL of these men walked with the Lord.  

He knew their hearts and they had personal relationships with God. 

 David is even called, "A man after God's own heart", 

and He is arguably one of the most blatantly sinful God-lovers there was.  

Yes, there were great victories in the name of Jehovah, but there were great losses, great misunderstandings, great heartaches, great pains, sicknesses, and more. 

Look on to the New Testament and we see the Disciples continuing the Ministry of Jesus after He ascended to heaven to sit at the right Hand of God - these precious followers lost all they had.  They had to leave all they had, in many cases, for the sake of the Gospel and in order for the Good News of Christ to be shared around the world.  There were imprisonments, beatings, and tortures; they fell ill just like any other regular human being would in those days.  Many lived destitute according to the world's standards and many died imprisoned, even dying a martyr's death because of their allegiance to God, Son, and Holy Spirit.  

Recognize your fragile state and bring it before the Lord.  You don't have to live in that place forever.  Ask Him to help make you obedient - ask Him to show you how to choose to better obey Him, and I promise you that He will do just that and MORE.  

• God is the ONLY true freedom and He alone is our answer to all problems and heartaches
• It won't always be perfect - if it were, then we wouldn't need God.  
• God has so graciously created us to need Him quite desperately, and desperately needing God, crying out to Him like a child who needs their daddy, is the best place a Christian can be.  
• Surrender may not change your circumstances, but it WILL change your heart - I know that first hand!
• You will be so impressed with the results of your surrendering, so freed by what He does, that you will wonder why you ever held tight to things in the first place

YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR SUFFERING, Friend.  THERE IS A PURPOSE FOR IT ALL, of that I am sure.  Trust God.  Surrender it all to Him.  Choose to obey and ask Him to give you a heart of obedience.  He will do all of these things and more, because of His great love for you!

In His Hope, 

Ryan

Isaiah 43:1-43

Heartcry - I Don't Have It Figured Out

Literally, I have started and stopped this blog about ten times  So much to update you on since my last, long-ago post and so much share from what God is teaching me, and though it's the heartache part of it all which I don't want to bog you down with, I know in my heart I need to share where we are in a short, simple way (at least to the best of my ability).  It needs to be said and read and heard because WE are not the only ones going through such difficult, hard to understand things.  So, WARNING:  this will be an honest and brutal pen; a raw, post, to say the least.  I hope you can bear with me . . .

I wish I could tell you that we had it all figured out - for Lucy, for Henry, for the finalization of Bowen's adoption, but I can't.  We are struggling, more than ever before, and there are many feelings which have risen up with that that and really, I don't understand.

• WHY, after 11yrs within the special needs and medically fragile community, has it not changed?  WHY doesn't it get better?  WHY does it continue to get worse?  
• WHAT can we do to make things better for our family - to start new and fresh?  
• WHAT's the next move for Henry's treatment and how the heck do we get there?  
• HOW do we comfort and treat Lucy Belle?  
• HOWdo we continue to love Our Conner Michael well?  
• HOW do we survive this as a family because it's getting harder and harder to do.  

There are even more complicated questions too, such as have we not heard from nor seen dear friends, those we've walked through fire with, because they are tired of us?  Do once former friends and mentors now heavily sigh when they hear of our struggles because of the length of it all?  Is it "too much" to be our friends or to walk alongside us (I most certainly could understand)?  Do they question the decisions we've made or what we say on social media?  Is that the cause of the silence and what seems like abandonment in many ways?  

And, where is God in all of this?  

We have NO idea why things have AND haven't changed, despite our best efforts, despite our faith, despite our outcries, despite our research.  Why do things seem to get worse for Lucy and especially, why do they get worse for Henry when he is the child God so sweetly promised to me?  

We are desperate for God to start us fresh and new and we want big-time details and directions which can only come from God,  Will you heal us?  Will you start us fresh in every way?

Father, what's stopping us from moving forward to something BETTER or EVEN just something as easily as hard?  Different.  Just something different - something we are all longing for.   And really, Lord, WHY can't we get there - to that brand new start?  It doesn't have to be perfect; this life is so heavy and we need a break and to see YOUR face!  

The gift of relief, of joy, happiness, newness, renewal, provision and more . . . Lord, why not us?  Even Job was given a new start as well as King David, and though we are far from their level, couldn't we also be given the slightest of clean starts with our home, environment, treatment and more?  

Isn't 11 years enough?

I've related so much to Job recently (and have learned a ton from his story as well - hopefully, to post soon), and I'm infinitely grateful to know that my FAITH has NOTHING to do with the circumstances I am in nor the evils which come my way.  

Job 7:11English Standard Version (ESV)

¹¹ “Therefore I will not restrain my mouth;

I actually like the “realness” of The Message version even better . . .

Job 7:11The Message (MSG)

¹¹“And so I’m not keeping one bit of this quiet"

When I say, ‘My bed will comfort me,
    my couch will ease my complaint,’
14 then you scare me with dreams
    and terrify me with visions,
15 so that I would choose strangling
    and death rather than my bones.
16 I loathe my life; I would not live forever.
    Leave me alone, for my days are a breath.
17 What is man, that you make so much of him,
    and that you set your heart on him,
18 visit him every morning
    and test him every moment?
19 How long will you not look away from me,
    nor leave me alone till I swallow my spit?
20 If I sin, what do I do to you, you watcher of mankind?
    Why have you made me your mark?
    Why have I become a burden to you?

Job too, the man of God that he was, 
also lamented, and did so in very outward, public ways.  
This is why I no longer cringe at the thought of sharing the heartache of a special-needs or medically-fragile life.  

If a man whom God deemed to be faithful and righteous can lament over the losses suffered likely over several months, then why can't I lament as well?

I'm having to choose, admittedly many times not-so-willingly, 

to do the following . . . 

• Trust God as we start palliative care for Lucy Belle and seek help in her treatment
• Trust God as we seek out of state PANDAS help for Henry
• Trust God for provision of that help for Henry
• Trust God to keep Conner safe and secure, living the most "normal" life as possible
• Trust God to heal our family from the many heartaches we've faced
• Trust God to bring respite and relief; a new start - a desire He's placed in the hearts of us all.  

Job 19:28 ESV

Job’s words . . .

Behold, I cry out, ‘Violence!’ but I am not answered;

But even in ALL of these things, Job ends this chapter like THIS:

For I know that my Redeemer lives,

Job knew that His Helper, the One in Control of ALL THINGS, was indeed in control, despite the circumstances and despite how he may have felt at the time.  

He knows too that in the end, once this earthly suffering DOES indeed end

and on the day of that suffering-ending,

Job’s eyes would then behold the ONE –

THE One He had dedicated His life to and all that He had.

Father, may I get to the place where Job was.  May we make it through as Job did.  May you restore us and redeem to us all that was lost, just like Job. 
 You alone are our only hope.  

  

I Wonder What It's Like

Recently at one of Henry’s Soccer practices, I watched on feeling defeated and frustrated.  The sun was setting, it was gorgeous and the little 8yo boys were working their hearts out, all but one, that is.  My Boy wasn’t with the group and  had no desire to be.  I felt bad for him for a while and even cried a bit thinking he must feel left out and abandoned,(even though the team was doing the right thing) but God quickly reminded me of several things about Henry’s disorders and I finally saw Henry for who he was and is.  I’m still seeing it in a fresh and NEW way even now, and I am so grateful for this.  It all really got me thinking deeply about things from Henry’s perspective and I truly believe God wants me to see things more from that view.  I think it’s important for you to see things from where Henry is and where our family is too – maybe why we do the things we do in a way, when it comes to these particular struggles.  As the Holy Spirit impresses upon me to share, I trust that there is someone out there who can somehow be encouraged by this part of our story tonight . . .

“I Wonder What It’s Like . . . “

By Ryan McLaughlin, Dedicated to My Son, Henry

I wonder what it’s like to be a boy in a world which doesn’t understand you.  What’s it like for those around you, having certain natural expectations for your behavior and yet, you truly cannot comply, cannot even force yourself to conform to what is the societal “norm”. It is simply mentally and physically impossible for you to do so because your brain works differently, it’s wired differently, and that is the true and only reason.   Dear Boy, what is it like, having the world around you, your community, teachers, coaches; your neighbor and friends (and parents of friends) misunderstand your every word, your every move?  Truly, your language is not ours and yet you are no less of a person than me, or anyone else on this planet!  You have just as much right to be heard as anyone else, no matter what your language, so keep communicating, Dear Boy.  

I wonder what it’s like to think differently, to process everything differently than the rest of the world. No checks and balances, no groundings or time-outs or any other mixture of discipline; not even rewards for good deeds because those things don’t register in your brilliant mind.  How do you NOT understand true right from true wrong?  It’s possible.  Consequences are hard to wrap your mind around if you don’t feel the danger or warning most of us do.  What goes through your mind as you run across a busy street without a flinch, just to gather your ball which ended up on the other side of the road?  What you are you thinking when you decide to climb to the very tip top of a tree and attempt to jump all the way down?  Nothing phases you, nothing that should concern you concerns you, ever (like your own safety or ideas about ‘what would happen if I . . . ?). 

I wonder what it’s like to physically touch, feel and sense things so differently than everyone around you.  Your senses are like mine yet multiplied by 10,000.  A tiny pinch or minor fall is a major ordeal to you, full of pain, causing sobs, feelings of agony and even fearing the pain of death! How do you go about the day feeling that intense pain over and over again?  Your overwhelming feelings in the environment cause you to run and hide, finding the tightest of places – shelves in the grocery store, the bath tub, storage bins, even the clothes dryer brings comfort your senses. You want to feel safe. It’s your “fight or flight response”; you want to feel secure – something every human longs for.  You feel every movement, hear every sound and the sensitivity to it all must be maddening even in everyday life – the school bell, the TV, sisters crying, big brother’s friends loudly playing; the lawn mower buzzing and even church music meant for praise . . . the sounds of the world can be torture to you.  I’m now sensitive to that.

I wonder what it’s like to have the same thoughts run through your mind continuously, endlessly, seemingly without end.  Your focus right now is on dogs and you’ve started looking for the next dog you want in life, even though we have two healthy ones at home.  You learn about breeds and memorize the details; you make lists of what to name your “one-day pet” and dream of where they will live, how they will act, and more.  You talk about dogs to everyone who will listen and you draw pictures of them with your family, then show us internet picture upon picture of a certain breed you decided upon that particular day and you start trying to convince mom and dad your new dog would fit right in.  Do the constant thoughts make you tired?   Do they stop when you close your eyes at night, Dear Boy?  Do you notice when the obsession comes in and takes over or is it a silent dictator, seemingly ravaging your entire being?

I wonder what it’s like to be homebound, unable to be in class because of the sheer fear and severe separation anxiety you experience on a daily basis.  I wish you could explain how you don’t miss school or your friends.  Do you wonder if you will ever go to school again, like your friends in the neighborhood?  Do you grow frustrated that this is the third year of struggling socially and, although you test above and beyond, you are unable to sit at a desk in a classroom where everything naturally changes from day to day, in a school where things naturally change from day to day?  Change is too hard – harder for you than for most.  I see it now: change is hard because it doesn’t make sense to you even when it’s explained. My Dear Boy, does the sheer thought of being unable to see me or hear my voice always make you crumble and come undone or does it pop up now and then?  I wonder what is it like to be crippled with fear, needing your “person” or object while you do everything from going to the bathroom, to fixing a snack; from playing in the backyard to taking the dogs on a walk; from brushing your teeth and getting dressed. Do you wonder if the fear will always be there? 

I wonder what it will be like when PANDAS dissipates and starts leaving your body (I hope it leaves in droves).  I wonder what it will be like to see if you without PANDAS as it’s been with you for so long.  I wonder what it will be like to see you FREE – FREE to love in word and deed.  FREE to give of yourself willingly and devotedly.  FREE to share appropriate emotion with your “tribe”.  FREE to care for your beloved animals without the worry of thoughts creeping in, wondering where the next one will come from. Free to understand what others are saying to you – for things to make sense and finally fall into place and in order; for the world of communication to open up before you! I wonder if you will be able to see God’s goodness through it all and how he used it ALL for His glory and for YOUR good. 

I wonder too, what it will be like when the PANDAS storm is over for you. Will you remember the bad and the good?  Selfishly, I wonder if you’ll remember how much we’ve fought for you, Dear Boy.  We’ve fought for you spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally – every which way possible.  There is no doctor I won’t pester, no agency I won’t call; there’s no company Daddy won’t track down nor pharmacy he won’t trek to in any type of weather.  We will continue to protect you, stand up for you and stand beside you always, forever. I have no doubt whatsoever God will bring beauty from the ashes that are PANDAS.

 “I Wonder What It’s Like . . . (continued) . . . “

Dearest Boy, May you never wonder how your mother feels about you or how she sees you the way you truly are . . .

·        You are so intelligent - you get bored with school and homework, making it hard to focus during school time.  You like your brother’s books and his games as they spark your imagination instead.

·        You are so giving – You give away even your BEST toys, even your favorite toys or new toys are freely given by you to your friends and family.  You get so much joy in giving and it comes naturally to you.  It most definitely is a spiritual gift!

·        You are so tender and sensitive – you cover your ears as the world gets too loud and yet you step out bravely and love on your sisters, gently talking to them and singing to them.  The way you still talk about Ellie Kate melts my heart and I hope those memories stay with you always.  You were the first to hold baby Bowen and you did great!

·        I love how creative you are, always thinking outside the box (Mommy usually gets stuck in a box of some kind) and you are always there, helping see things from a different point of view.  You are so creative, you make your own designs and styles, including with your clothes, shoes and accessories as well as toys and science experiments. I’m so happy I don’t have to pick out your clothes each day but that you have an imagination which allows you to pick and choose what “feels” best and looks best to you that day, in that moment. 

·        I love how STRONG you are!  You are so physically strong – strong like an ox, and I love it when you use your physical strength for good, such as helping others or bettering yourself by working out or practicing for your soccer team.  You are a great help to Momma, esp when we are out and I need you to push LB so I can carry Baby B.  Such a strong man!

·        I love that you are passionate and while I hope you will one day break free of focusing on one object or subject alone, I DO so enjoy how you plan out every intricate detail for all involved.  Nothing goes past you, Dear Boy!

·        I love that you communicate differently.  This one is the most difficult, I know, Bud and sometimes this love is a choice, an action for me, without a doubt.  It’s hard for you.  It’s hard for me.  It’s hard for all of us to understand each other.  It’s like speaking two different languages or being from separate planets where what I say doesn’t have the same meaning to you as it does for me and thus, things get confusing, misinterpreted and become beyond frustrating. Let’s promise to always communicate, Dear Boy and I will stand as your mouthpiece, your interpreter or as your liason for as long as you need me to.