24 Hours

In just 24 hours, Lucy Belle McLaughlin will be SIX years old!  It's hard to believe that this Precious Little Gift-of-a-Girl was laid in my arms that long ago. Lucy is our dainty, feminine, "Beautiful Light", and I am happy to say that Our Birthday Girl is now HOME from the hospital!

We are incredibly grateful that the Lord has mercifully allowed Lucy's gut to work in this moment and that He has allowed her more time with us here on earth!  When we entered the hospital this last time, we truly did not know what would happen and even now, no one can tell us what will happen with Lucy Belle and her health or how long we will still have the joy of holding her here in our arms.


During this last hospital stay, we tried to find definite conclusions on why Lucy's seizure activity has increased so greatly, why she's had these terrible tremors, why she continually falls asleep, and why her balance is off, causing her to constantly fall from side to side.  Along with the doctors, we've tried to make sense out of Lucy's tummy issues,  searching for answers as to why, at times, she can't process her formula and medications.  We've tried to test and figure out why she's still having so many UTI's, why she's holding her urine for so long, and seems unable to void in every way.  The only conclusion we positively have is that NKH is progressing in Lucy Belle and, at this time, it's progressing much more quickly than we would like to believe.  

Lucy is home, but she isn't the same and I don't know that she ever will be.  She stays awake for only minutes at a time, then literally falls over into deep sleep. Her body tremors and twitches constantly, although it is NO where near the severity as when we last brought her to the ER.  Her actions truly remind us of those Ellie Kate's in her last days, which is strange and difficult. In fact,  looking back, Ellie Kate was struggling with many of these same things EXACTLY five years ago at this very same time, but we weren't fully aware of the short time we would have with her (less than three months).  This time, we aren't so naive and we will treasure each moment, each struggle, each day, with great value and sentiment.  We are treasuring these days, while allowing the Lord to prepare our hearts for the worst.  The physical decline is painfully evident, so we've made a few preparations for what we know will come sooner than we could ever hope. Oh, how we LOVE our LUCY!

The Body of Christ has surrounded us so beautifully, you guys and we are TRULY blown-away!  We didn't know what to expect at all, especially since we've left our Church Home of over 16 years.  Mike and I didn't expect any type of support at all during this time, really and truly - that's why the outpouring of support has been that much more encouraging!  God has lifted our spirits, renewed our hearts, and sparked our faith through the actions of His People - many of whom we don't even personally know.  It's an unimaginable treasure during a time we've needed to see Him move on our behalf - when we've felt alone and lost in so many ways.  Isn't God good to step in like He does?  It's never how WE would picture or plan and yet, it's always so much richer and more-encompassing than anything we could hope for!  Truly, I CANNOT WAIT to tell you all God has done for us through His People (but I will save that for the next post)!!

As for the Birthday Girl, since hospital stays have caused delay in celebration plans, I'm busy trying to make this sixth birthday the most happy one yet, even while on Hospice!  Lucy has finally decided on Unicorns and "My Little Pony" for the theme again, after she's fallen back in love with her ponies during this recent hospital stay.  Our plan is to try for a skating birthday party, where we can wheel Lucy around the rink in her chair.  She's pretty excited at the thought of it so far and lights up with excitement when we mention her Big Day.

We've had some questions pop-up recently concerning Lucy and our family, so I wanted to answer those clearly here on the blog . . . 

• Care Calendar - a precious friend is heading up a calendar where you can sign up to help our family in various ways.  We are incredibly grateful for everyone who is helping us in so many ways, allowing us to focus on Lucy and catch up on homeschooling for Henry!  To help, simply go to the following: lotsa helping hands care calendar
• Go Fund Me Page - we do NOT have such a page, nor are we interested in having one at this time, although we are grateful for the offers and suggestions of those wanting to help us financially during this time.  The best way to do this is through our Helping Hands account, where you can receive a tax write-off for your donation and can be assured that your funds go solely toward our medical needs.  With this organization, we turn in our receipts or bills directly, thus receiving the utmost accountability with your generosity.  For more information, please go to the the following:  McLaughlin Family Helping Hands Fund
• We still have Lucy's "Life List", but apart from getting Lucy to the beach and allowing her to feel the ocean, we really just want to spend time with her here at home.  This seems to be what her little body wants as well and we are set on listening to Lucy's body during this time, as we want whatever is the very best for her and what will keep her the most happy and at peace. 

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for loving us and serving us during this time.

Ryan

Sometimes, It Goes Downhill So Quickly (Lucy Update and More) . . .

Psalm 34:18 (ESV)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
    and saves the crushed in spirit.

There's much to update, especially since I haven't blogged in a while and haven't been very consistent in updating these last many months.  This has been quite intentional, as the Lord made it blatantly clear that my family needed my attention more than ever, which has recently proven itself to be true many times over.  I won't lie - today has been incredibly difficult for us all, and while I've felt a pull to post recently, I know after today's events, it is important for me to do so tonight (err - this morning).

 Please bear with me as I try to briefly but sufficiently cover several things, including Lucy's declining health, Henry's IVIG update, DC trip info and more . . . 

Lucy Belle:  Our Girl turns SIX next month, and it's so hard to believe that much time has passed since we were preparing for her arrival and even MORE hard to believe that it's been so long since Ellie left for Heaven.  I vividly remember thinking then, "if Lucy follows Ellie Kate, I at LEAST have SIX, FULL more YEARS of life with her and I will drink in every moment!".  I know that sounds twisted for some, but it is an honest picture of my mind at that moment.  Lucy has been a life-line for me in Ellie Kate's earthly death and she has saved me as I long to be a good mommy to her and to the boys, especially through all of the seasons we face.  

One of our Favorite Summer pics of LuLu - 

feminine and sweet, with her hair growing so long!

Our Sweet LuLu yesterday, snuggling with Mommy

Miss Lu Lu (aka, 'Lullie') has taken a turn for the worse, although she is stable at home tonight.  As many of you know, Lucy went on hospice a few months ago and while we knew she was declining, the main reason for choosing hospice was for palliative care, meaning we could better address Lucy's immediate issues (most definitely including her intense pain) while receiving the attention and other various benefits hospice provides.  It was at that time a few months ago, several of Lucy's doctors at OU told us they thought she was following "her sister's life-pattern" and because of that, they encouraged us to leave the regular Sooner Pediatric Clinic and thus, we are now seen outpatient at The Children's Center.  This was a HUGE decision for us, but we have not doubted it one bit (other than missing our favorite nurses and folks in the SP Clinic).  

Our new pediatrician specializes in medically-complex children and cares for many of our Hope Link friends, and he is on the Board for our current hospice service.  We've been SO blessed by Russell Murray Hospice and never could have prepare nor guessed that this same hospice, these same precious nurses, would soon be caring for FIVE of our Hope Link friends at the same time - walking with two of our dear families as their babes recently left this earth.  

In recent months, weeks and even days, we've noticed Lucy's seizure activity increasing, which we had addressed accordingly.  Right now though, her neurological state and seizure activity is changing SO quickly that we can't really keep up with it.  All along, especially in this decline and in light of what we went through with Ellie Kate (or rather, what Ellie Kate endured in her pain and suffering), our main concern has been that Lucy NOT be drugged and "out of it", but that GREAT efforts be made so that she may be at peace, her body and mind at ease and without pain. 

This week, despite some rough recent days, Lucy started school.  She even made it an entire FULL day this week and YA'LL, that's HUGE!  We are SO incredibly proud of Lucy starting kindergarten and we are forever grateful for her teacher, Jana Neisent and the staff in her classroom, who could NOT be MORE precious, sincere, intentional, kind, and even prayerful.  Though Lucy was able to attend some school, she still has experienced great pain, the source really unknown, and she's needed pain medications to keep her calm and happy.

This morning after an unusually good night with Nurse Emma, Lucy rolled over and vomited and let out a strange cry - all unusual for her.  Emma yelled out for me and once I got to the room, Lucy was completely and absolutely unresponsive in every way.  NOTHING was waking her and we noticed her breathing was labored.  She started taking some deep, strange and struggled breaths so we immediately called hospice, who joined us shortly after.  Lucy's BP has been low, her heart rate extremely high, her temp normal, but shes's chilling and shaking then sweating (unlike her completely).  Even in doing vitals, she didn't wake or stir for many hours this morning, so Mike came home and MiMi (Mike's Mom) ran over to get Henry and Bowie (Conner was at school).  Lucy stirred a couple of times throughout the day but never has been back to herself, back to "baseline".  Tonight, when she has been awake, she's been screaming hysterically with no way to comfort her, and we aren't sure if it's pain or something neurological.  


We know this much about Lucy: 

• Lucy's issues today aren't bc of an overdose of pain meds or meds in general 
• Lucy's gut hasn't worked well for a while; absorption and processing has been slow AND
• We know the gut issues seem to be getting worse by the day. 
• We know Lucy is no longer having bowel movements, even with "help".   

Our Fears for Lucy:  By far, the gut issues are the MOST frightening, as Ellie Kate's life ended when her gut eventually completely shut down, and it looked much like this.  Holding her listless body today as she was taking those labored breaths, so reminded us of Ellie Kate and her last days. Unfortunately, it does look like NKH is progressing rapidly in Little Lucy but we should soon know if new meds may play some sort of part, esp because of her metabolic issues.  Our hearts hurt and although we've known from even before we ever held our blond-haired girl, this would one day happen, it doesn't make the sting any less harsh or the thoughts any gut-wrenching.  

The Future for Lucy:  We don't know what will happen with Lucy; she could wake up tomorrow completely back to her normal, and if that's the case, we will dance up and down the streets in praise to God (I will even take video)!  But if she doesn't bounce back quickly, or if she doesn't bounce back at all, we will continue to huddle in as a family and drink in every moment.  

Our Current Feelings on Lucy's state:  Sincerely, we feel grateful in that we get a SECOND chance to walk the road of child-loss, and what I mean by that is, we already well-know what we WISH we would or could have done towards the end with Ellie Kate, but we GET the chance to do it better and accomplish all of those wishes and regrets as Lucy's NKH progresses.  Truly, Friends - we see this as a comfort and gift from God and once again, Ellie Kate's life has made Lucy's sweeter, easier, less-complicated and SO much more!  
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Adoption Finalization . . . On the last Monday in June, we officially and legally welcome our youngest into the family before the State of Oklahoma.  Bowen Jane is now a McLaughlin and we cheerfully have added, "Bowie Mac" to her list of nick-names.  We are BEYOND grateful for this unplanned, life-changing GIFT from God (which is one meaning for her name) and although the timing has been mysterious at times, we see Bowie as SUCH a healing balm to us ALL.  Watching the boys, Lucy and even both sets of grandparents enjoy such a joyful, happy, delightfully growing baby girl within our home brings us endless laughter, even during uncertain times. God's timing is ALWAYS best, even when (and especially when) we don't understand or expect it. 

Bowie Jane Mac and MiMi awaiting the finalization

It's Official!  Professional photos coming soon.

I couldn't hug him tight enough that morning, waiting for the judge to call us in.  

My heart is SO grateful for our New Baby Girl!  

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Henry's IVIG . . .The Saturday after Bowen's finalization, we flew to D.C., much to the courtesy of the Isaiah Stone Foundation here in OKC.  There was NO way we could have financially made the trip, even with Mike's excellent, steady job and paycheck (which we are beyond grateful for).  Our family spends over 20% income on healthcare each year, so a trip like this would have been difficult, especially after trying to settle and pay adoption fees.  GOD provided a way for both boys, Mike AND myself to go and we even toured the Capital a bit before and around Henry's appointments for his PANDAS.  What a GIFT!  

It's "Darryl" from The Office!  

Conner was thrilled - 

 my boys love them some Craig Robinson!  

Did you know that Albert Einstien never learned how to tie his shoes?  That's a familiar thing to Henry, so he made a cool connection!  

Henry's legs were hurting too badly to walk the museums 

(PANDAS can do this, much like Lyme Disease), 

so we used the wheelchair while "adventuring" together. 

The Air and Space Museum was a HUGE hit! 

      Tour Buses were our friend!

Sweet Boy, Taking it all in

We met with Dr. Latimer, one of the three PANS/PANDAS specialists in the U.S. (her words), and we were blown-away.  Dr. Latimer confirmed everything we felt and thought about Henry as parents and supported all of the test and blood results taken over this almost four-year adventure.  She collected ALL of Henry's info and studied each part, getting to really know him and US.  Dr. Latimer told us more about WHY Henry acts the way he does - ex: she noted Henry's chorea movements (which we barely notice), and some tics which also had not jumped out to us much.  She also physically pointed out Henry's reflexes aren't working in the normal way (he is hyper-tonic).  She read through the EEG's, as she's also a renowned Neurologist, and was able to give us insight there.  Dr. Latimer also told us more about those with PANDAS, who only get approx 3hrs of REM sleep every 24 hrs, so they are always tired in every possible way.  This gives way to extra crankiness and confusion, which can trigger the already heightened "fight or flight" response.  It's a recipe for disaster without sleep but there is no cure for that part of it, or for any of it, at this time.  

After visiting with us for several hours, Dr. Latimer suggested IVIG treatment, which is what we expected and hoped she would do.  Our doctors here in OKC have recommended it but it's rarely done here for PANDAS - that isn't the case out of state and it's an especially normal thing to do in that part of the country.  We hoped she would invite us back for the treatment sometime very soon, but to our SURPRISE, Dr. Latimer suggested we come in immediately for IVIG treatment.  Mike and I already knew this was what Henry needed.  It's the last-effort treatment, the best and most-effective treatment, for severe versions of this disorder.  It's not the quick or easy decision you hope it to be, as the cost is due in full upfront and in the clinic, was $12,500 without ANY assurance it would be covered immediately (or soon) by insurance (in hospitals it runs anywhere from 40-60K). Mike and I spoke in closed doors before leaving the doctor that day, and although we KNEW Henry needed this, there was NO way we could pay (We are still paying off some of Ellie's bills and of course the all-expensive law school (seriously ya'll, think about it before you go- tongue in cheek)).  

That night, we walked around D.C, staying out late (I admit to being somewhat down, wondering when and how God would provide, why He had given us this opportunity to just send us home, and more).  We literally, physically ran into Paul Ryan (surrounded by secret service but at least we got a smile and nod!) - of course I couldn't say a word except his name (why couldn't I have given him some friendly, special-needs momma advice the night before the big healthcare vote:)?).  Before bed, we received a text from some very dear and generous friends whom Mike had randomly filled-in about the treatment for Henry.  Ya'll, these friends offered to PAY FOR HENRY'S TREATMENT IN FREAKING FULL, with no pressure on us to pay them back in a certain amount of time, which means we can work hard with insurance and fight for coverage if needed (although we haven't yet heard from insurance).  WHAT?! WHO DOES THIS type of thing?!  I CRIED in JOY, thanksgiving and relief, amazed at God's provision yet again for our family.  He ALWAYS provides what we NEED!  I excitedly called the doctor early the next morning and made plans for the IVIG treatment to take place over the next two days, just in time for us to leave straight from the office to catch our flight home (yay for Uber!).   

Happy Henry during IVIG

Pals receiving treatment the same day!

Henry took it all on like a champ.  We didn't know what to expect, but there was another little guy receiving his second day of treatment our first day (it's a 5/6 hr treatment over two days), which provided Henry a true playmate for the entire day of treatment - we couldn't have planned it better.  It also provided solace and peace for us as parents, as we could connect and share stories and in sharing, there is HOPE.  We saw NO signs illness or reaction to the IVIG (reactions can look like that of chemo), although they loaded us with the proper meds and made sure Henry received plenty of fluids for the flight home.  It wasn't until we got back that Henry suffered set-backs and vomited with severe headaches, for over a day or so.  We know it could have been so much worse and are sincerely just grateful we could even have the chance to do it!  

The ultimate test will be in four months, about six months out from the treatment, when we should see the height of the IVIG success.  Folks have asked, but until recently, we had not seen many changes in Henry.  Now though, he is doing SO much better - making better decisions and increasingly choosing to do what he needs to each day, many times even on his OWN. It's still a daily struggle and I continue to believe this journey is much harder than dealing with feeding tubes, pumps, suction machines, seizures, and wheelchairs. We hope the benefits will be even MORE clear this coming week as Henry starts at Epic Charter schools, with a special-education teacher and principal.  OUR God has provided this trip AND this treatment so clearly, so neatly, to timely, I have NO doubt that He's actively at work on behalf of Our Son!

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Oh, Friends - thank you for staying with me throughout this long update.  I'm sure you get tired of my words and the length of the blog, but you will never know how much your endurance and friendship means to us.  

While we do face struggles 

in other areas at this time, 

our current prayer requests are listed below.  

Thank you in advance for championing 

and interceding on our behalf!  

• Please pray for my Little Sister Rachael, who gets married later this morning (it's Sept 1st now!).  Ellie Kate died on Rach's bday and although Bowie was born on that same, precious and ordained day, it's still bittersweet for her.  While we do not believe Lucy will go to Heaven this weekend, I hate the thought that tragedy once again mars my Baby Sister's life and on one of her biggest days yet - her wedding day.  Prayers for peace, understanding, hope, and JOY are much appreciated!  
• Please pray for provision for the IVIG medical bills so that we can reimburse our friends, who so willingly GAVE that Henry could RECEIVE (they love him dearly).  Please pray too for those insurance issues to settle easily, quickly and peacefully, all in a Divine Way. 

• Please pray for Lucy's complete comfort and healing.  We pray she would be healed here on earth, but we want what is best for HER, always and forever, no matter what that may look like.  

• Please pray for all of those involved in Lucy's care - hospice, home health, doctors, specialists, and more; that God would open eyes and hearts and that He would guide every decision on Lucy's behalf, especially during this time of uncertainty.

• Please pray for us as Lucy's parents - that the Lord would UNITE me and Mike together, binding us tightly, and that He would draw us to Himself as well as to each other.  Please pray healing for us in ways God understands and we ask that He too will give us the Divine wisdom and direction we need to make every move.

• Please pray for Henry as his IVIG still "sinks in", so to speak.  Pray for HEALING here on earth for Henry - body, soul, spirit, and mind and that God would be preparing Henry for school starting next week.  Pray that things would fall into place with school, despite what's happening at home, and that Henry will once again be able to thrive and gain confidence in that.

• Please pray for Conner as he's started the BIG 8th grade - and we all know how difficult and scary that age can be. Please pray for Conner's heart to be engulfed by the Spirit and that the Lord would capture him even now and amidst the hardship surrounding our family.  He so often gets understandably angry and frustrated with it all and yet he carries it in ways I can't begin to understand or imagine.  We only have about four more years with Conner at home and we want those to be HAPPY, HEALING years. 

• Please pray for our families - our parents, in particular, as they struggle and hurt when their children AND grandchildren hurt.  Pray for strength, provision and availability for them to be with us as we need them and as they want to be.  

• As always, please pray for great peace and comfort as we face unknown days ahead - like so many of those dear to us are walking through now.  

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We BLESS you tonight, and as a united family, 

thank you and pray God's peace be upon you and your family and that He alone would meet your needs in the above ways as well.  

Psalm 34:1-4

I will extol the Lord at all times;    his praise will always be on my lips.
² I will glory in the Lord;
    let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
³ Glorify the Lord with me;
    let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

Ryan Elizabeth

Dreaded Post - With A Broken Heart

This is a post I've been dreading for a little while now.  Actually, those first pits of dread and fears came sweeping in upon burying Ellie Kate in 2012.  After that, I was often reminded of a truth I didn't want to believe, face or even realize - the truth that one day, unless a great miracle were to take place - Lucy Belle would also pass away.  Mike and I want to share with you tonight, that Lucy Belle has been placed on Hospice Care.  WE want to tell you because there are MANY layers to this news and to this choice, so I truly hope you will stick out this blog post (even with my inevitably, heavy-handed pen), making sure you get a clear picture of where things stand. 

If you've been following Our Blog, you've noticed that Lucy's been suffering for some time now.  We've run test after test after test, mostly invasive, some in-patient and some outpatient; ALL uncomfortable and even painful for Our Sweet Girl - things we absolutely HATE for her.  We still don't have full answers on bladder/kidney pain nor on the endless, sleepless nights full of screeching and painful cries.  But, there have been comfortable times too, as well as somewhat restful nights.  Lucy's still smiling and still finds joy, still showing interest in the things that she loves like her brother, her doggies, her grandparents, her Daddy, taking walks, swinging and being outside (whenever it's not piercing hot); she still LOVES shopping with mommy, loves being in a pool, her friends and nurses, and being around other kids here at home.  LUCY IS A JOY and lives up to her name, "Beautiful Light"!

The hardest truth that's come to light is that Lucy Belle is declining, or maybe it's NKH progressing; probably BOTH.  Our doctors are aware of this and are actually the ones who've brought it to our attention, although we've known in our hearts that this decline has been taking place.  All of us have noticed the progression of the disease and the level of suffering continues to rise, despite our best efforts on all fronts. 

The MOST important thing to us as Lucy's parents, is to know that she is as pain-free as possible.  After watching Ellie Kate suffer SO greatly with pain her entire short life, we promised ourselves and Our Daughter (all of our children, really) we would do EVERYTHING within our power to keep the pain away, even fighting for them to be pain-free, consistently staying on top of the medical teams until they did what we thought needed to be done in order for Lucy to be comfortable.  It's in this light which we've made the hard decision to place Lucy on Hospice Care. 

Friends, obviously this decision hasn't been made lightly, but after visiting with trusted doctors and nurses, as well as the Pediatric Palliative Care team, we agreed with their decision that Hospice would be the very best way to keep Lucy's pain under control. You see, Hospice isn't only end-of-life care but in fact, can also serve as palliative care.  The Hospice Nurse will be able to deliver whatever meds Lucy might need, whatever time of day or night she might need them.  Also, a special pediatrician will be in charge of Lucy's care now, working closely with Hospice and the Palliative Care Team, meaning she will receive the more personalized treatment she needs - the kind we've been praying AND searching for! This knowledge gives us as parents much hope, solace and satisfaction and we know that no other service could bring this type of care, despite the heaviness of it's name. 

It may bring your heart comfort to know this, as it's brought me much comfort in remembering it . . . this is much how we ended up treating Ellie Kate's first year of life which was spent on hospice as well, and as she continued to thrive and survive despite being on Hospice Care, as she defied the doctors yet still needed close attention, including pain medication and palliative care intervention, it really was the perfect coverage and situation for Ellie Kate.  God orchestrated it all without us even fully understanding it at the time and now, when the choice was brought up to us again with another precious Girl, it wasn't difficult  for us to fully understand and remember it benefits, making it so much easier to make the right decision. 

I know the words sounds so tough, HOSPICE and believe me when I tell you that it's incredibly difficult for me to even udder, much less write to you tonight.  I'm crying now, because I didn't think it would be like this, and even though we've known Lucy's quality of life has deteriorated greatly.  Making these choices are sickening - even WHEN you KNOW it's the right thing, even WHEN it's the second time around.  I didn't know these years would go by so quickly, you guys.  I just didn't know. 

Something bringing us great comfort - something we want you to know -  is that Lucy is STILL FIGHTING and as long as she's still fighting in this life, WE will be fighting for her, every step of the way, just like we did with Ellie Kate. We have no plans of backing down on Lucy's treatment, nor any plans of future treatment at this time.  Also, we trust that in this, you respect us as we make our own decisions based off the Holy Spirit's leading and recommendations by our trusted doctors and nurses.  While we appreciate your own experiences, remedies and ideas, we ask you refrain from sharing those with us at this time.  Thank you in advance for understanding this important request.


"Life List" . . .

Once we knew Ellie Kate would be going home from the hospital on hospice that last time, we quickly made a "Life List" which is much like a "Bucket List", but instead is focused on things we believed Ellie Kate would want and enjoy doing before going to Heaven.  With your help, we made a few of those things happen, even though literally within only a couple of days, and we couldn't be more grateful! 

Even though Lucy is stable and we don't expect any major changes ANY time soon, we've decided to go ahead and make a "Lucy's Life List"!  We'd love to accomplish the entire list by her seventh birthday on September 26, 2018.  We're still working on this all-importance list but we know a few things Lucy would enjoy and LOVE at this time . . .

• Going to the Ocean!  We'd love to take Lucy to the Destin area, or somewhere nearby, as Ellie Kate also spent a bit of time there and had a blast.  We took Lucy there on the first anniversary of Ellie's death but since it was unseasonably cold that time, Lucy wasn't able to get into the ocean in any way (although we have great pics of her sweet feet in the white sand!).  Feeling the warm sand and warm waves would simply be a dream come true for us and for Lucy! 
• Going on a boat!  We'd love to take Lucy on a boat ride!  This could be at the ocean or even at a local lake!  She could ride like a typical kiddo and could even get into a tube of some sort.  She loves driving fast and had a blast on the rides at Disney and Universal, so I know she'd love an "active" ride! 
• A pool - this is waaaay excessive, WE KNOW.  We just also know that Miss Lucy LOVES water and it calms her to be around it and in it, even though we don't have access to it much. When she is around a pool, she could stay there ALL day, soaking and floating - it's the only place where her body is free and I believe it helps with aches and pains as well. 
• Meeting Blake Shelton (and maybe Gwyn??) - Lucy LOVES country music, although she likes the guys' voices rather than hearing the girls' (which were EK's faves).  Maybe, since he's from OK, there would be a way to make this happen?  Obviously a sort of pipe-dream, but putting it on the list, nonetheless (EK wanted to meet Taylor Swift, Miranda Lambert or Carrie Underwood but received some special gifts, some autographed instead AND received a personal, taped message from Miranda, just for 'Ellie-Girl'). 

You know, I remember holding my little one-year-old girl, her little chunky legs and her animated face; those blonde, bouncing curls, gazing on her cherub-likeness - I clearly remember, at that very time and many times immediately after, that I had at LEAST SIX YEARS before I even had to WORRY about Lucy's well-being here on earth; before I even had to think seriously of her morality.  I don't know why I thought this as there has been no promise of Lucy's life being only the length of her Big Sister, and quite the contrary as Lucy's life has been spent OUT of the hospital and has been mostly healthy and happy!  Somehow, someway, I had that "worry" timeline in my head and I think of it now as a coping mechanism in some way.   I wish it had gone by more slowly. 

Six LONG years. It's a long time, right?  But it isn't, and we all know it.  And now, Lucy will be six years old this September, which means she is inching ever-so-close to that 7-year-mark which Ellie Kate barely hit (EK turned seven on Dec 4th and died Dec 23rd).  But,  please remember along with us, that Ellie Kate was only on hospice for three, suffered-filled days.  But you know what?  That WILL NOT be the case with Lucy.  While we cannot see the future nor what each day will hold, we do know that Lucy is stable upon admission to hospice, which is very different than Ellie Kate.  We have hope for more than a little more time with Lucy, holding to the expectant hope of more memories to be made, the realistic hope of more laughter and millions more kisses! 

Ya'll.  Whew.  Thank you so much for your support and encouragement over the years.  Thank you in advance for your support and encouragement through this as well.  Thank in advance for helping us work on crossing things off of Miss Lucy's "Life List", and for praying God would work in special ways where it's concerned. Most importantly, thank you for your prayers and petitions on behalf of Lucy's health, especially now. 

With Hope in My Broken Heart,

Ryan

Overflowing

It's been a while since I've written, and that's odd for me - especially during such a special, awkward and sacred time in our lives.  Writing here is such therapy for me - it helps me process my thoughts.  Even if it isn't read, I am thankful that I can put my words out there.

As you may know, our family has escaped to my favorite place in the world.  Only some of you know where that is, but I can tell you that a beach is involved.  Unfortunately, where we are staying doesn't have wifi (ugh!).  Nonetheless, I instantly, I felt peace upon arriving.  Peace with nature, peace with myself, peace from my Sweet Father-God.  Peace comes in His incredible creation.  So here we are, hiding out for these difficult days, as a family, while getting to see extended family and friends in the area.  It's been precious so far, even though my emotions have been up and down.

Here's a taste of where we are . . . 

I'm of course reliving those last precious days with Ellie Kate while we are here.  Some of the memories are very, very painful.  When you watch your loved one suffer so terribly, it really does cut you to your core.  How I wish I could have taken that earthly pain away from her!

Thursday, December 19th:  We brought Ellie home from the hospital on hospice.  The night before, Mike had stayed the night in the hospital so that I could get ready for Ellie coming home.  I walked in her room on December 19th and was struck with how she looked.  She had truly taken a turn for the worse.  Every time I tried to feed her, she would scream in pain.  She was already starting to bruise all over her body.  At that moment, I knew that we had made the right decision as her body truly was breaking down.

That evening was a hard one.  We had planned some fun and special things, but Ellie was already in rough shape.  I realized the plans I had made were just that - MY plans, and not what was best for my Daughter.  So, we played it by ear.  And we loved on Ellie as much as we could.

Friday, December 20th:  On this day, Ellie still had a bit of energy.  She tried to engage with us a few times.  She touched the Christmas tree. And, by God's goodness, our friend and photographer, Holly Hall, was able to come to take hospice photos. Ellie was going downhill so fast, and our minds were trying to wrap around that.  We obviously had never done hospice pictures before, and neither had Holly; but God was with us all, and He inspired this artist.  The result was precious pictures, some of which we've never posted.   We invited her therapists and teachers over to stay goodbye that evening.  She had a burst of energy that night, and I'm so thankful that we were able to watch her "hop" her friends out the door, like she loved to do with any visitors.  It was precious.  I will warn you now: For those that know EK, the following pics may be hard to see, as she is so unlike herself . . .

Saturday, December 21st: This day, Ellie was going in and out of consciousness.  I held her most of the day, except for the times of vomiting I had brought on by my nerves.  My friend Jenni Khufal came to visit, even though she was suffering (and still is) from a rare and serious form of cancer.  We received gifts from Miranda Lambert, Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood - Ellie's favorites.  I like to think that she could still here us some, as well as the music we played her, and the prayers we said over her.

By that evening, one year ago tonight, we knew the end was near.  Nurse Mindy stayed with Mike and I.  We put her in bed with us, loving on her through the night.  It was the most precious night of my life.  See, Ellie never like to snuggle with me.  I think it was because we never physically bonded when she was an infant.  After all, she was on the ventilator for almost two months, then was in and out the hospital for most of that first year.  But that night, we snuggled like never before.

I will save the rest for later this weekend.  We so covet your prayers and blessings for us during this time.  As the end of our "Firsts" without Ellie Kate is drawing near, I find myself full of so many emotions, which I'm sure is normal.  I'm just glad to be in a peaceful place with my family, away from the normal and day-to-day, away from our home and those last hard memories.  I am SO GRATEFUL, friends.  God is infinitely good, and I'm only beginning to see the outskirts of His kindness.

Also, remember that the Month of Reckless Love in Honor of Ellie Kate is still going strong!  You still have time to jump in and participate with active, purposeful acts of kindness and love to those around you.  Here are a few ways you can still participate . . .

December 23rd: Ellie's Heaven Day! Post pictures of you and your family releasing PINK balloons in Ellie Kate's honor. Send messages with your balloons and be creative! This is a way to show our family that you remember our Sweet Girl.


FOR WAYS TO GIVE while receiving a tax write-off: 

*Give to the "Ellie Kate Project" through Helping Hands Ministries - This is the family medical fund, and giving goes directly to Lucy Belle's medical costs.  Although we do have good insurance coverage, many of the NKH meds and treatments are not FDA approved, and thus are not covered.  With Helping Hands, we turn in our receipts and they can pay they directly.  It's great accountability, which we are grateful for.  

*Give to NKH Crusaders and help us find a cure for this terrible disease which causes GI issues, epilepsy, extreme developmental delays, mental retardation, and more. 

*Give to OKC Hope Link OKC Hope Link- - a ministry we help lead; Hope Link reaches families of children with rare, serious and undiagnosed disorders.

Overflowing With His Love,
Ryan