Makenna

Well, I could sit and tell you about the boys' first day of the first and fifth grade.  I could also tell you about the wonderful support we've seen through the "NKH Ice Bucket Challenge" that we started yesterday to raise money for NKH Crusaders .  But, that's not where my heart is tonight . . .

"He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen.  For he is settled in his mind that JEHOVAH will take care of him.  Psalm 112:7

My friend Jenni Kufahl gave this verse to me, framed.  Someone had given it to her and she did the same for me.  She told me to put my name in the verse, and I did and I have, and I will continue to do so.  I did today because sometimes it's all you can do - to capture your thoughts; to remind your self that the GOD of the Universe is aware and in charge of every detail of every circumstance of your life.  Sometimes we have to choose to settle our minds on the LORD, on our Jehovah, who will take care of him.  I thought of this very thing as I visited "Jenni's Spot" briefly while Lucy and I went to visit Ellie Kate's Spot (my mommy-heart longed to be with the earthly body of my daughter today). 

I guess I'm rambling - Mike keeps telling me that pain will make you do that, and I am in immense pain physically and my heart also hurts.  In particularly, I'm burdened for Makenna Johnson's family.  Makenna is Ellie Kate's "hopping" friend, and although Makenna and EK have very different diagnoses, they have acted very much the same.  Makenna went on hospice the same time that Jenni did, and now it looks like Jesus is calling Makenna home. 

Can you imagine the excitement that little girl must be feeling?  Can she hear her Father calling to her, reaching out, telling her to come Home?  Can she already get a glimpse of where she is going?  Are the saints cheering her on as she drifts in and out of consciousness?  I don't know. 

But I do know a few things:

1.  Makenna is going to spend eternity with Jesus Christ, the Father and the Holy Spirit.  Her eternity is secure.

2.  Makenna's body will soon be perfected; no more tears, no more pain, no more sickness

3.  Makenna is not fearing the bad news (or what may seem bad to those who will be left on earth); she knows where she is going!  Her angels are around her singing even now!

4.  Makenna's family is hurting as they truly walk through the Shadow of the Valley of Death - it is an impossible, treacherous, gut-wrenching, breath-taking walk that no one wants to face, and yet - God calls us to go there and to walk through it.  And He is there with Marianne and Matt and Marlee and Micah - Makenna's family.  He is with them. 

5.  Jesus will still be Lord tomorrow, and tonight and in the next moment.  Jesus will be the same loving, tender, gracious, all-knowing, all-powerful, healing God that He has always been - no matter what happens to Kenna, no matter when. 

And a few other things I know . . . the Johnsons will still trust Jesus no matter what.  And they will be loved and supported by the McLaughlins and by the Haas family, and by many more who love them. 

And I also know that there are two beautiful little girls - one with blonde hair and one with brown curly hair, who are waiting for Makenna at the gates of Heaven; they are peeking over the edge on their sweet little tip toes, wriggling with excitement that their friend is coming Home to be whole and complete!  Lily Audrey Haas and Elizabeth Kathleen McLaughlin will be jumping for joy for you when you arrive, Kenna! 

Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.  It's a time to honor your mother; to love on her in special ways, to give her gifts of appreciation and to care for her in ways that you don't normally do in the everyday life.  But for moms who have lost children, it can be excruciating.  Really and truly, this day can be so painful.

Somehow, I think that Mother's Day may be harder than other holidays, for those whose children are in Heaven.  On holidays, birthdays and "Heaven-Days", people surround you and lift you up.  They love on YOU because they know how hard it is.  On Mother's Day though, they are celebrating their own mothers and grandmothers and rightfully so!  It's just that many moms of dead children (let's call it what it is, folks) don't always get the out-of-the-ordinary encouragement and reckless love that they may receive on other holidays.

Special Times with My Darling Girl

Yesterday was horrible for me (I'm just being real).  I was focused on the fact that one of my children was missing on my Mother's Day weekend.  Ellie Kate will always be missing from this special time; and that hurts.  I was in a terrible mood and stomped around the house, around the soccer fields and around the grocery store.  My poor family, including Nurse Mindy, put up with so much.  How grateful I am for their patience!

Since there's a chance for severe weather, I also took yesterday to put my energy into getting our storm shelter ready.  This included gathering Ellie's precious things that I want to be sure and save.  I stomped around in the attic, and then I broke down.  I fell on top of those clothes - the ones I never again will see Ellie Kate in.  I couldn't catch my breath as I opened her armoire.  I touched those dresses.  With each piece of clothing came a memory.  They flooded my heart so quickly that I almost couldn't stand it. I went to Ellie's spot and left a little gift (it's more for me than for her, obviously). I went to bed heavy-hearted, holding on to Ellie's shirt (which I do every night).

Ellie's Spot at Sunset Yesterday

Happy Mother's Day Gift for Ellie's Spot

I thought today would be miserable for me.  But you know what?  It hasn't been!  Even Lucy's extreme crying spells haven't made me upset (although I do hurt for her and long to help her).  I've felt special and loved.  Mike, Mindy, Conner, Henry, and even Lucy have made me feel loved and special today.  I proudly used the bag Ellie Kate gave me Mother's Day 2012 as my purse today, and it made me smile.  Of course, I miss her being with me, having all of my children together.  But, I'm thankful that she is complete and whole and is no longer suffering, and that makes me happy.  Lord knows all of us mommas want our children to be happy; we want to take away their pain, and that is something I could never do for Ellie.  But now . . . NO PAIN!

Thundering Up for Church!

On the 50th try (okay, I'm exaggerating), we finally got a decent one (halfway decent).

I am able to rejoice today - rejoice in the fact that I was able to have my children because I know that is something many people long for; including some dear friends.  I'm able to rejoice because my family is honoring me.  I'm able to rejoice because My Precious Daughter is with her King today!  It is a good day.

Thank you for your prayers, Dear Friends.  Thank you for your many texts and posts.  You have encouraged my heart.  If you know a momma hurting because of child loss, because of miscarriage or because of infertility, please go and love on them today in a reckless way.

Enjoying My Mother's Day,
Ryan