Recently, I’ve had a deep desire to run from God and from everything that’s been my foundation all my life. I’ve been angry. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been confused. I did not feel these things when Ellie Kate died. I had complete peace then, even though there was much heartache (which continues in waves to this day). These recent feelings . . . are different.
It’s just that it never seems to stop for us. NEVER. Even yesterday, Mike lost a tire and ended up having to get four new tires (thank the Lord he was kept safe); add that to the recent termite findings, the broken microwave, the house flood and needed remodel, the bloodwork and treatment up in the air for Henry, and then many hospitalizations for Lucy – WHEW, I can’t even list it all. Literally, it’s one thing on top of another, repeatedly – for years and years and years, and I don’t understand it. I know we are not alone.
I’ve wanted to run from God in the last several days. I tried to block Him out. I didn’t want anything to do with this Creator of the Universe who was allowing so much turmoil, heartache, and struggle to our family. It makes me hurt for my children and for my husband, more than anything. I don’t understand, if we’ve surrendered our lives, our marriage, our children to the Lord, WHY there is constant turmoil. Then, it hit me . . .
In His patience and kindness, God has reminded me of some important things on this, the week of our 22nd Wedding Anniversary:
1. I am unable to separate myself from my God. I made a covenant with Him, and He with me. I am tethered to Jesus – not to a religion, denomination, people group, or political affiliation. I am forever woven in with Christ. This was a sweet reminder that I am not alone, that all those other things don’t matter – only my personal relationship with Him.
2. When we married, we dedicated our lives, our future, and any ministry God would give us, over to Him. Why should I be surprised at the “fiery darts” we face as a family, and as individuals, when we’ve given it all to Him? On the contrary, we should expect these trials when we’ve surrendered it all to Him. If you haven’t experienced trials, if you aren’t experiencing messy-ness as a Believer, then something is wrong. It may not be seemingly constant, like ours, but it will be on a regular basis. God allows that so we will draw near to Him and realize we need HIM alone.
3. God meets me where I am; the same is true for you! When you feel lost, confused, broken, hurt, disillusioned . . . God is okay with that! He welcomes it! He longs for you to come to Him in any way, shape, or form. He just loves you and wants communion with you. He will NEVER turn you away, no matter what you are feeling or thinking!
4. I still don’t fully understand. It’s true – I don’t understand all this mess we’ve walked through and all we’ve walked through the last seven weeks. It doesn’t make sense and it does make me hurt for my husband and children. The thing is – it is OKAY for me to not understand! There is freedom in that, for you and for me. Isn’t that amazing?!? He meets us where we are. He loves us where we are. He works in and through us where we are.
Jesus promises to never leave us or forsake us, and I can choose to cling to that, even if I’m barely holding on. God knows. He understands. He still has good things for me. As someone tethered to Him, He will still do good works through me, for HIS glory!
5. To be clear, I don’t pretend to have experienced persecution. Lord knows American Christians do not face the kinds of persecution other Believers do all around the world. Trials can (and will) be different than persecution.
As for updates, on Thursday we will get the results from some important bloodwork for Henry. These results will give us direction as to what comes next. He continues to struggle with flares – we aren’t sure if it’s due to the mold found in our house (thankfully now cut out), or if it’s caused by the upheaval from all that’s going on in the house.
Henry’s counselor, who has been with him for many months and has made great headway with him, has stepped aside this week, encouraging us to find a new person to take his place. You can imagine, this is frustrating and devastating to an extent. We need to know what steps to take next. We need things to fall into place for our son. Our family covets your prayers for clear answers and a direction/plan forward.
We hope to move into an Air B and B by next Monday, at the latest. So, we will be packing up valuables and our kitchen items/pantry. Thankfully, we do not have to move furniture – they will move that for us. We may be out of our home for a couple of weeks, which isn’t ideal since school begins August 8th. It’s been seven weeks tomorrow since the “flood” – much too long – and we are ready to get new floors, cabinets, and a few walls. We are grateful to have a trustworthy contract company! Thank you for praying for a smooth transition for Lucy, our nurses, and our kiddos during this time.
My hope and prayer is that this post meets you where you are and encourages your heart, mind and spirit. There is so much good yet to come.
With Hope,
Ryan
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